How DARE He!!??

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Hey Wrong Planet-eers, I'm back, and boy am I steamed! I just got finished with a conversation with my little brother, and he said some things that really burned me!

And the conversation started off friendly enough, but then I mentioned something that a best friend of mine said, about his philosophy in life: "I don't fail, I succeed at finding at what doesn't work". I said to Dave (my brother) that I was just the opposite; that I tended to believe more in the 'one strike and you fail' way of life. His response? "Whatever helps you sleep at night." WTF?!

I was like "and what's THAT supposed to mean? I just happen to believe that it's all or nothing, there is no in between!" Then I mentioned something from "Revenge of the Sith", in that just as the Sith think in absolutes (either 'with' or 'against'), so do Asperger's people. That's what really set him off, and he said "okay, don't you dare lump everyone in the autistic spectrum into your 'I'm right, you're wrong' mentality. All it does is make you look like a jerk to your own kind. If you wanna play Pity Party on WP, that's your business, but don't brand your philosophies with every Asperger's person." And I lost it in return, stating that this conversation was over, and hung up.

I mean, maybe I got upset because he hit a bulls-eye against me, but I have to think to myself, do I *really* fish for pity and sympathy that much? I mean, I still stick to my belief that you have to hate yourself to redeem your faults, but I never mean to take it out on the rest of you. I dunno, I'm just so confused...

Usagi1992

This is my opinion, do not see it as fact.

Your brother said what he said because he strongly disagreed with your statement. He didn't say it with tact, as he should have in situations like this, but I also have to agree with him.

The "one strike and you fail" way of life that you've described is very defeatist. There's been countless situations where amazing things were made only after trying again, and again, and again. Human's wouldn't make any progress on anything if we immediately gave up on whatever we did upon failing.

We're a stubborn race after all.

I also disagree that you have to hate yourself to get better at something. Mistakes and failures, while disappointing, are opportunities to learn and improve, to make yourself a stronger person. It's not necessary to beat yourself up upon learning that you didn't succeed, but you do need to notice what you did wrong, and improve on it. Your best friend isn't quite right by saying he doesn't fail, even though he probably doesn't mean his philosophy literally. All people fail, in the tiniest, most insignificant way. Noticing these failures is important to not make the same mistakes in the future.

I agree with your brother.

OP, I'm not sure I understand what your viewpoint is, but I think I agree with you. Can you describe it more?

While I don't agree with your friend that failure is only success at finding what doesn't work, I also don't agree that if you fail once at something, it's an absolute failure. I also stop short of subscribing myself to any life philosophy that requires George Lucas, and that includes my beloved Indy Jones.

Your brother sounded disrespectful, probably because he's tired of the defeatist attitude. He likely no longer feels obligated to be polite. "Whatever floats your boat." is really dismissive. Unfortunately, as an aspie who is raising an aspie, I agree with him completely. I understand his frustration because I can't stand to be around negative people. Since you're claiming your defeatist, negative nature is all aspie related, I'm grateful that your brother pointed out to you how offensive that is to other aspies.

Thank him for me, please. Not everyone cares enough to be as direct and honest with an aspie as your brother. I wish you would listen.

To Bethie and OhGodSpiders -

Yes, I did anticipate that some people on this forum board would side with my brother in regards to disagreeing with my poor outlook on life. I guess what the founder of Wrong Planet said was true after all: no two aspies/auties are alike. We're all unique individuals, just like any normal NT walking the earth. But in any case, I'd like to elaborate further into why I believe so strongly that there is no such thing as redemption.

Even as young as age EIGHT, I've strongly believed that failing equals being a loser in life, and that getting better at what you first fail at doesn't change that fact. Every single one of my homeroom teachers have always said to me that I am much smarter then I take myself to be, but I would always throw it back in their face by countering 'smart people don't fail.' But some of them would say "Smart people also make mistakes", and if they did, I would yell back 'NOT TO ME!! That sort of thing SHOULDN'T happen to me!'

A few weeks ago I had my most recent good example of this philosophy of life. I was to undergo a job assessment of data entry at a non-profit organization, but I would be getting paid for doing so. Well, because of certain circumstances, I showed up to the assessment 10 minutes late. I mean, I know that's not a good way to start an assessment, but my supervisor in charge was extremely curt with me to the point that I thought she was going to deck me! She could've at least asked me the reason why I was late, or showed concern for me, but no, she was a total robo-bi*ch who operated solely on pure professionalism. I wasn't even angry so much at her, but at myself, because she made me feel like I failed from the very start at trying to be a good worker.

Well, I was able to hold myself together emotionally until the assessment was over, but afterword, I had a word with her out in the lobby, saying that I didn't want to be a part of this assessment anymore; if I can't be counted on to show up on time, then that means I'm unreliable, and that I don't deserve a second chance, because that's what would happen in the real world. Lateness is rudeness, PERIOD, and it doesn't deserve redemption.

Looking back, I am smart enough now to know that everything my teachers said was true, just like what my brother said to me last night was true. But even at that young age, my brain has permanently rebelled. It just simply cannot accept the fact that I'm just a normal human being who is just as fallible (I couldn't even spell that word right at first, go figure) as anyone else. To be acceptable to other people, and to be loved by other people, you have to push yourself above and beyond the call of duty...make yourself look like a superhero who never fails, even if it means being MISERABLE for the rest of your life!

Heh...my former therapist says that it's such a f**king tragedy that I'm so smart, yet so rigid and unforgiving of myself. Yes, I am miserable most of the time, but that's just the way I roll. And the most tragic thing of all? I can forgive other people for not being perfect, so why not me?

Well, 'make one mistake, and you pay for it the rest of your life'.

That's all I have to say about that. Feel free to disagree with me all you want.

Usagi1992

Negativity doesn't only suck the life out of you, it sucks the life out of those around you. When you love someone and do everything in your power to help them through and they continually fight back and refuse to help themselves, there is only so much you can do.

'whatever floats your boat.' Whatever helps you sleep at night.' Both say - I give up. I've tried and any further conversation is pointless. I leave you to your misery.

The fact that he continually fight with you on this point should be a big sign for you. He is fighting FOR you. If he didn't care he would just walk away. I hope you realize how lucky you are to have a brother that cares this much.

It is one thing to what understanding and sympathy - it is another to wallow in self pity and allow it to keep you from living your life. You need to decide which it is you want. Everyone here wil lbe more than willing to give you a shoulder to lean on when you need it but make sure what your motives for it are. After all, you are lucky enough to have a real live shoulder ready and willing to do the same. I think many of us here would KILL for that luxury.

Sounds like you are at a crossroads usagi. Only you know what works for you. Be kind to yourself in the process.

personally i don't think proved wrong = stupid.