Time to give up and move on

Post Reply New Topic

Oh well. I'm back after several months. I posted a few messages and sought advice on this site shortly after I realised I was AS and was trying to save my marriage of 24 years.

Five months later, perhaps it's time to give up. I have been verry rude on the site, by disapearing abrubptly. I owe a very special appology to Recon in not replying to a pm. Feeble excusees - I did not have access to the internet for a much longer time than I had planned when I moved to a new place to live and I broke off from the site to try to distance myself from AS and make myself better. (Failed).

Here is a rather long rant of some of the lowlights of my efforts in the meantime. I have nobody else to share my story or feelings with.

After realising I was AS, my wife had put me on a six month trial. This is now approaching an end. I had hoped that we could work together on our relationship now that we could understand where the issues were and that there may be solutions. My wife had made her mind up that I would not be able to change and I now expect to start preparation for separation. This is destroying me.

I have worked so hard over the past months to come to terms with my AS. This has been a very painful time for me, getting to understand that often my logic was flawed because I was not capable of processing all of the complex messages that NT people can deal with at ease.

I have not been able to address my wifes biggest complaint; my total lack of empathy. I mentioned in my earlier messages that I am totally blind to non verbal communications. There is no improvement here. I have read books and can quote the theory but, in real time, I just don't see it. If I could understand what it is that I dont provide, I would provide it. I just get things wrong through trying. This has been particularly painful for me as my wife has put up additional barriers to me. No hugs or kisses. She cant hug, kiss or hold hands with someone that she does not feel close to. It was my only way I knew to express my closeness. I wanted to try councelling but could not find anyone to help in Hong Kong, where we are living at the moment. My wife announced this week that she did find a councellor but did not inform me or follow it through.

If we do separate, I am really going to miss my kids. Travel between Hong Kong and the UK is a bit prohibitive for weekend visits. I'll specially miss my ten year old, who is also AS. We have a special understanding, possibly related to our AS, that is a mystery to my wife.

Any advice on dealing with separation is greatfully received.

I haven't been there but it sounds like an incredibly hard spot. Good luck, and feel free to stop back and say what's on your mind. I'd say, especially since it sounds like she's accepted that she can't accept you, you may want to find some good counseling in someone who can advise you on how to get through it.

I'm curious - do they have life coaches in the UK? I'd think this would be much more helpful than a psych providing of course that you found the right person (someone who starts criticizing off the start or doesn't understand AS would likely be a person to thank for their time on the first meeting if possible and go somewhere else immediately).

If you're living in the UK, get divorced through an Islamic court that practices Sharia principles.

Islam in the UK Article

Yeah, that only works if you're a Muslim. And I can't believe they even allow that in the U.K. The Muslims tried raming Sharia law down our throats in the country we live in and we told them to f**k off.

Just trying to help the guy. Maybe it would be worth it to convert to Islam instead of having soul-rending alimony, child support, and being kept from his kids rammed down his throat.

I'm actually living in Hong Kong at the moment. There is very little here that I have been able to find to help. Regarding Sharia, my last job was in the UAE. I could not have took advantage there and even if I could, I wouldn't consider it an option. I still love my wife and daughters. I resale it is me that has caused my wife hurt,even if I don't understand how.

I'm in such a darknplace right now. I don't know what to do. I neeed someone to talk to.

So you're not sure?

Follow through with the counsellor on your own. It might help a lot.

Not sure!

My wife is making up her mind what to do. I am not hopeful because we have been at this position for almost six months. My efforts to fix myself, which I have found very difficult, painful and I had thought successfully, have gone unnoticed/unappreeciated.

I never suffered badly from meltdowns but I have managed to control them completely (Some recognition of this when reminded)
I am respecting my appearence more through the use of routine (not well enough)
I have tried gluing a false smile to my face to stop appearing missarable (a simple task but tough going to keep it up)

From my wife's point of view, I am still not responsible enough for my appearance and she doesn't want to be my mother, I am still too insistent, when I don't think I have got my point accross and my worst fault is that I do not make her fel loved. On this last point I still do not know where to start. I have made efforts but its difficult trying to cherrish an iceberg and my efforts, at best, go unnoticed or, more usually, end in disaster.

All of the above are important to my wife.

I suppose I am just a horrible person to live with. I cant think of the positive side.

If you can point me in the direction of a councellor in Hong Kong, I should be very grateful.