zombie insane asylum confessional, nothing to live for

Post Reply New Topic

I set my alarm every night for 10AM, and when it rings in the morning I consecutively hit the snooze button over and over, falling back asleep again and again until 1PM. This makes 18 times a day I decide that there is nothing I would rather do than not wake up again. The lucid dreams are wonderful, drawing me out of my miserable reality, and offering me the only social interaction I ever experience. Literally, the only time I'm with other people is when I'm unconscious. The best part of my day is already over before it begins.

When I'm awake, the first thing that comes to mind is how truly disappointing the rut I have fallen into has become. For about a year, I have had not one friend or social acquaintance to share my world with. I have been living food stamp to food stamp, check by check, begging mommy and daddy to pay another bill. They don't want me in their lives anymore, as it's more worth it to pay me not not be part of their world. It's like child support for some sad bastard son nobody wants anything to do with, only I'm 20 years old. Too afraid to apply for jobs, unable to socialize properly, no valuable skills or characteristics to offer society, locked up in my apartment to hide such a nuisance from the world.

My apartment is empty. In my bedroom: my bed and my dresser. In my living room: a lonely coffee table and one very uncomfortable wicker chair. Aside from a microwave oven and my laptop (which has a broken power chord that forces me position it just right so the wires rest gently on the little cylindrical node, while I sit on the floor and right this), I have no possessions. I ask my parents to help me move free furniture from craigslist, but they refuse, my mom saying she's too weak and my dad lying and telling me his shoulder is damaged and he can't even lift a gallon of milk. My home feels like an insane asylum with padded, blank walls, only lacking other people. in my minds eye, I have been in this solitary confinement space for nearly a year, wondering why nobody has come to set me free and help me return to the general population.

I have no hobbies or artistic talent, nor the desire to. I tell myself all I need to do is anything, something to keep my mind from the vast void that's consuming itself, but constantly question what the point of anything is. If it weren't for the guilt of how it would make people feel, I surely would not be alive anymore. I would much rather hit the snooze button and fall back asleep forever, back to the best part of my day. But if I did people would cry, and the grief would hurt other people, and there would be a hole in their lives of where their little zombie in a fish tank once was.

I wonder, what if I just dissapeared; rob a liquor store and high tailed it down to mexico; cut off my birthmarks and moles, and ended it far far away so that the news would never get back to anyone who ever knew me. Write some romantic letter telling them I'm finally free and won't be coming home. At least I wouldn't be lying, and then nobody would have to share the pain.

But in reality, I'm certain I will never be free, at least until someone finds the compassion in their heart to save me, help me, tell me what to do with my life.

Thanks for reading.

I heard a screenwriter say the very same thing about falling back asleep, and his wife didn't understand. And you don't have to have any artistic ability whatsoever.

You are a valuable human being, even though things are difficult and awkward and dicey with your family. They probably believe some version of <"need to try harder"> which is unfair for a person with Asperger's / Autism spectrum.

Okay, one thing, with you being 20 yrs old, your entire adult life has been lived in an economic recession. The recession started hard Oct 2008, and really probably precursors going back to 2007.

If you could connect with some Asperger's / Autism Spectrum group in your area, somebody who could basically lobby with your family on your behalf, that could understand that jobs are tough, not fitting in is tough.

And you have a tribe. We can help you in certain ways, and you can help us in certain ways.

Come on, fellow members, jump in and help this young person. Pitch some ideas that might be helpful.

Okay, I'm going to propose something off the wall. First off, please give yourself permission to dream. You are a young person. You have a lot of potential in a lot of different areas. Okay, you don't have artistic talent, so be it. And maybe it's a bit of a stereotype that someone who's aspie is artistically creative. Not necessary, for we're all unique human beings, of course we are. As the saying goes, you've met one person with Asperger's, you've met one person with Asperger's, all that good stuff.

Please consider a profession: Architecture, law, accounting, engineering, medical, academics and being a professor. This isn't the off the wall suggestion. This is just right down the middle. A job like being a CPA is easier in like 5 different important ways than a job like working in a grocery store (truly the 7th level of hell, first and foremost because the so-called managers allow the employees to engage in bullying behavior). And a profession can play to different aspie strengths. I personally wish I would have found a way to more seriously consider medical school, but you need to make forays what's best for you.

The off-the-wall suggestion: Take the tax class and work with H&R Block this December and January. For new people, the job usually begins mid-to-late December and ends first part of February. It is an unethical company because they don't adequately disclose the negatives of their bank products. Why would a person ever want to work there? you might ask. Well, with you working there, it doesn't need to be unethical because you can disclose. You working there can make a difference. And it is face-to-face work with a real live client. This is not trial run or pretend in any way. This is the real thing. A fair number of middle-class clients, but also a fair number of low-income clients. Whether or it, you know Earned Income Credit, it matters. And whether or not you adequately disclose in the course of a back-and-forth conversation so a client can make the best decision for him or her, it matters. The biggest negative: I didn't really connect with co-workers because I did take it seriously, and I wasn't chasing the bonus. First-year people have no realistic chance of getting it. But it's not your or I's role to tell them that. I did connect with co-workers because I was kind of a go-to person with the computer system. And I'm pleasant and polite, and I appreciate that we're doing real work with clients.

Here's a post of mine about H&R Block:
http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt147123.html

Here's a guy talking about his experience and some comments from other people:
http://www.eastbayexpress.com/eastbay/a ... id=1089343
(my experience, a person will make the base wage of 9 or 10 dollars an hour and that's it. But you a person has the potential growthful experience of working as a professional, not well paid, but real professional work that impacts a client's life.)

When I was 20, my entire adult life had been lived in a recession, albeit one not quite as bad. First, you need SSI, which is the disability pension in the US. You need to apply. That will take your mind off needing to rely on your parents. Second, you need to go to college. If you live in the US, you can usually sign up for community college. Some states will waive your tuition if you're on SSI. You won't have to decide what to major in for a while. Being out and among people, even getting out of the house, will improve your mood. You need to experiment with different things until you find what you're good at. The old saying is, if you've met one person with autism, you know one person with autism. What that means is that you can't stereotype aspies, it doesn't work. You can't say "well, I'm not artistic" or "I'm not a computer genius" "therefore I have no point in life". We all have something we're good at, you just need to find yours.

mrtuurtle, do you have a mental health diagnosis? Have you sought one? Would understanding yourself better help motivate you? Shutting yourself out from the world and sleeping too much is a downward spiral and you know that. Those behaviors are not indicative of mental wellness. Neither are they indicative of an Autism Spectrum Disorder. If you have been diagnosed with an ASD, it is likely you are manifesting another issue as well.

Why don't you do this first - find yourself. You can pursue a better understanding through mental health services, support groups, spiritual affiliations or online. Once you understand yourself better, then you can take the next step.

Also, given your age group, if you are well enough you can always join the armed forces. I don't know what country you call home but I get the hunch it's the US. If so, the military can teach you a trade as well as providing educational options after you get out. It's something to think about, a good skill is a great start in life. Get the mental health help first, they don't want anyone that is suicidal, find some foundation and then go to them.

I'm the same exact way with sleep. There are times in my life where lucid dreaming was all I have had to look forward to. And the tendancy to indulge that is markedly worse when I'm depressed. it's a vicious cycle. Many counties and states have mental health clinics. Reach out for some help. I'm not saying they are all good, or understanding but it's better than the alternative. Something as simple as a weekly group meeting might give you some hope and maybe make a friend or two in the same boat.

Whatever you are interested in, there is a way to turn it into a profession. You have that internet connection, put it to work. Find out how to make a living doing whatever it is you love best. Whatever it is you are interested in, there is probably some one here that shares it. Bounce some ideas off of those already doing whatever it is you are thinking of.

To answer Dino's question - yes, I have been diagnosed with aspergers syndrome, borderline personality disorder, and psychosis.

After searching everywhere for support groups related to mental health and general wellness, the only things I can seem to find cost money, and there isn't anything in particular for what I'm struggling with. I could travel from Olympia to Tacoma or Seattle and meet with a group, but spending several hours commuting just doesn't feel like a good idea. Your ideas of finding a "tribe" seem to be on the right track, but where is one? Additionally, I think I'm an "introvert", or at least naturally anti-social.

Reminiscing to my childhood days when nothing seemed to matter, kids used to poke fun and say things like "get a life", and now it really means something, but what's there to do.

And thanks for the tip on SSI, I thought the only way to get it was to have already been in the workforce for some time. I will be applying soon. Thanks for the encouragement, the more the better. Hearing from someone who has been at a standstill like me in their life would be very encouraging, as there isn't really anyone I feel I can relate to at this point. Thanks again, everyone.

Hi mrtuurtle, I feel my life has been at a standstill at times, although probably not as bad as you are currently experiencing. The year after my senior year in high school, I stayed home, I think in part because I didn't want to abandon my sister and didn't want my Dad's violence to shift to her. I felt I was more successful at standing up to my dad than she was. That year, a lot of loneliness, a lot of not showering and dressing poorly, and a lot of walking, which is sometimes positive.

My sister then graduated from high school, and I went to the same college she did 4 hours from home. I remember thinking, well, things will go better for me if I get good grades, but I didn't have a particular lot of energy. I had energy for philosophy, but there are so few jobs in the field, it's all about terminology and what I view as pseudoprofessionalism. My first semester in college, I heard this guy and his roommate from the first floor had talked about raping me. Yeah, scary stuff. And this guy on my floor that knew them and hung out with them and began hanging out with them more, made jokes about it. This guy on my floor I thought was my friend told me he didn't think I should worry about it and how the guy went into classes he wasn't a member of and wrote damaging teaching evaluations. My friend, as if I was worried about being stereotyped as gay, no, I'm worried about physical violence against my own person. Years and years later, aabout 20 years, it occurred to me, you know, if a person is not at risk themselves, they can kind of write something off as a longshot. When you personally are a risk, even a longshot, not necessarily to be discounted. And my friend didn't make eye contact when he was saying this, awkward thing, I guess anything having to do with being gay. No, I was not raped. But it was perhaps a closer thing than I realized at the time. And scary in retrospect and a source of anger. So, I go from my home of origin to this. Not the escape I had hoped. And people didn't really talk about things in philosophy class (that was a disappointment). I am 5'5" and have a speech difference (maybe I talk a little bit like Coach K of Duke Blue Devils). I am sometimes stereotyped as being gay. I think this provides zero evidence that I am anything more than the baseline odds of 10% of being gay. And whether I am gay or not, I would certainly object to being raped.

I advocate ju jitsu as perhaps the most easily obtainable marital art for serious self defense situations. A couple of months and you actually have a measurably increased chance of defending yourself. For BS things like a pushing incident or a lowgrade fight in a bar, I recommend "tight, defensive boxing to a draw," and I've written a whole post on this. http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt134616.html

When I was 21 at the end of my second college years, I allowed two 'friends' to talk me into having sex with an escort. I think that was a contributing factor to about a year and a half dark and closed and lonely period. I felt I had let myself down.

I lived on my own 1982-84 and again from 1985-2008. Since Oct 2008, I have been back living with my parents. s**t. Yeah, the same dad who was violent when I was a kid. He is somewhat "better" now. He is still harshly critical. I just want out, and I want to be decent about it. And the so-called job market is goddamn tough for me as it is for other people.

---------------------

I think it's perfectly okay to be an introvert or even anti-social. In fact, I remember reading about some humanitarian in the 1800s and someone wrote about him that he seemed to only like people in large groups! And that's okay, he did some good according to his style.

-------------------------

I have a theory that only about 1 out of 9 social groups really work out, and so that just means light touch a variety of groups, and take it in a series of medium steps (I remind myself of this again and again). The ones that don't work out, well, leader almost immediately regrets taking on all this obligation, people are working 40+ hours plus family, don't have the energy to meet new people. Well, it's their loss, but it's also kind of my loss.

----------------------

At times, without really realizing it, I think I have used sleep deprivation as a drug, and actually it's a pretty good drug. And sometimes getting out way early like waking up before sunset, even if it's only for maybe an errand and then the university library and breakfast, sometimes works for me. A late morning nap can work. What does not work for me is a late afternoon nap as I tend to wake up depressed.

----------------------

I used to think the ideal vacation would be something like a zen monastery, where I could do writing, walking, studying the whole first part of the day, and it would be completely normal and accepted behavior. And then in the evening there would be light social like boardgames and TV and ping pong, occasionally swimming. The few zen monasteries I've read about actually sound like regimented places. But, but, in a way college is like my idealized monaster. And not everyone drinks, it only seems that way from the movies. And not everyone is shallow and superficial. For example, a person might have success with either the political or artistic kids even if they are neither because these kind of young people tend to appreciate someone who is different. No guarantee of course, the theory of 1 out of 9 groups still pertains. Plus, I have had some success my own style of low-key leadership (I tell myself, instead of doing a lousy job of learning conformist skills and a pale shadow of 'fitting it' which I'm not really interested in anyway, why don't I learn the really good skills which by their very nature are imperfect!) And I think both, SSI tends to take some time and you might eventually need a lawyer (for SSI, lawyers usually accept contingency, but that also means they can often be overly picky about taking 'good' cases. But all that said, your case might be the one that sails through and the system works like it's supposed to), but also making some real money from a profession even if it does take a while to gear up.

And oh yes, school itself, I think pre-studying is so effective it's almost cheating. In fact, it is kind of cheating, just an entirely legal form of cheating!

---------------------------

Hang in there. Keep talking with us as if feels right.
Obviously, a lot of the stuff I wrote is personal, might be a little while before I can get back, or not. A little funny in that regard, hard to predict in advance.

And I would be remiss if I did not say, situational depression can become biochem (as I understand it) or the two can spiral together. And the good news, if a person can get ahold of any one of the two, he or she might be able to spiral things upward.

I recently made a post "SSRIs and SNRIs for depression?" http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt158330.html
mrtuurtle, you may or may not find this helpful, but you should be aware of it.

And your situation, very directly and very matter-of-factly, is that your family is not behind you. Or they don't have the wherewithal, or they're not in a place in their lives where they can, or whatever. Any chance you migh have a grandparent, aunt, uncle, older cousin who might kind of be able to lobby with your parents on your behalf? And I don't mean something tricky. I just mean in a very straightforward, human way. Just an idea. Just pitching potentially helpful ideas.

Take care.