Always out of place (on the border of a meltdown)

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I was likely targeted on OkCupid because of being too eccentric, and they removed my photo for being too much of a closeup, I guess - yet they allow others to have similar photos - and if I'd upload a similar closeup, they may just close my account, instead, and since you pretty much can't be searched, and not at all search, without a photo, I may just as well close my account. There goes my chances on that site. I can't upload my full photo because then I may get hanged out in society or even committed into a psych ward - I mean I want a romantic suicide pact with my true love and if the psychiatry would find out about that, they'd have a legal right to have me committed.

Fùck I hate my life.

I really do hate it. Fùck it! What the fùck am I doing on this shìt planet?? I am almost thirty, now, and I see NO hope other than collecting anime and manga, and I may even lose that legal right, soon. Not that I care about laws but yup I do live in a world where the drones need laws in order to not lose control over themselves. I am so bitter over everything and I think I may just snap, soon. I try to be somewhat happy but it's impossible - something always gets me down in full force. Why should I keep going? I have nothing to live for. I am never happy.

It's so funny how I am with people - most I talk with in real life end up liking me. Well they wouldn't if they knew me better. I have so much hate and disgust in me. Yet, at the same time, I have this loving part that just wants to help and be sweet to people. But then comes the "dark", murderous part that envelopes my mind in "darkness" that is more like the purest form of light, really. I may seem like one person to people, and obviously I am one person to ME, but I wonder how people would react if they'd know me better. I doubt they'd even want to speak with me. And I know I wouldn't want to speak with them, either, if I knew them better. I hate almost everyone. I am kind and polite to people by default but I know I'd likely hate them if I really knew them.

I tend to be "happy" about that "dark" side of me, but really, it doesn't make me happy. And being loving and sweet, as I can be, doesn't make me happy, either. If I'd have to choose, the "darkness" (of *my* mind - not general darkness of this horrid world) is better than the "light". But even the "darkness" is pointless and of no meaning to ponder about. And collecting anime, what's the point with that, too? I'll get bored with that, too, with time, just like I did with videogames. Not even photography, that I dare say I am better at, by far, than most so-called "professionals" - not even that is fun, anymore.

What's the point? Do I live to collect stuff and then die latest at the age of 39 (preferredly earlier), in order to be able to feel young to the end, and then leaving my collected stuff behind me, anyway... that really is full of meaning, isn't it...?

I miss the times of my childhood when I had been looking forward to a game so much that I read the instructions booklet before I started playing it.

I miss being excited about the game so much, back then, that I drew pictures about the game, before it was released, and put them on the wall.

I miss how much I loved getting my first Game Boy - the Game Boy Pocket.

I almost can't remember how that felt, anymore. Being able to be happy and excited.....

I doubt they targetted you just because you're eccentric. It may just be that the mods didn't notice the other photo yet or it's a new rule that they're just starting to enforce now.

Either way, they're kind of doing you a favour; you're more likely to get a response if people can see your whole face or a picture of you doing something you like.

You need to find your spark again. A fun way to do that, is to experiment with many different hobbies and interests until you find something that makes you really happy.

They aren't doing me any sort of favour. I can't have any photo at all, now, and therefore my profile on that site now is useless. They could just as well have removed it, entirely. It's incredibly risky for me to add my photo, and I'd get too many replies, then, anyway.

I do believe I was targeted. It's not the first time that I've been shut off from a place of social interaction, due to the reasons that likely are the cause, this time.

I'm not on the border of a meltdown, anymore, and really just felt that way at the moment of posting my thread. But I do feel without hope. I hate my life.


...I'm going to begin experimenting with one new hobby, actually... dekoben. When I manage to build up enough energy to start with it, anyway. It's a Japanese pretty food artform. I've got all the equipment necessary, already, and everything.

I'm doing fine, now. =_= I don't need that site to find my true love. I overreacted.

My life is kind of sh***y, though, but I suppose I shouldn't give up hope just yet.