Seriously wish I was dead

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In the past three weeks I have been to the psychiatric ward twice. I started intensive outpatient therapy on Monday, and they moved me over to a building closer to Centerpointe Hospital. I spoke with my doctor today, and now he's making me sign a contract that states I must not hurt myself, or else I'd land in the hospital AGAIN. They still don't know just what the f**k is wrong with me, I have one doctor leaning on schizophrenia, the other leans towards bipolar.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS I HAVE DAMMIT!

Is it that damn hard to figure it out? Not only am I on Zyprexa, but I'm also on Latuda; some newfangled medication that I have never heard of at all until today.

This group thing makes me want to grab a knife and slit my f*****g wrists.

Now they want me to go live in a group home.

I didn't ask for this, the Creedonian people didn't ask for this.

I trust no one at all. I don't think I'll ever trust anyone again.

That sucks. It sucks that those people are threatening to put you in a group home. I know a few people who live in a group home. Those are not nice homes to live in. I hope that you can find the strength to get those people off your back.

Where are you living now?

At home, with the main conspirator: my mother. I see this as a bad situation, only made worse by my mental health.

Sometimes it's not easy to figure out. It's better that they're cautious than to slap a misdiagnosis on you. I do hope they figure it out soon.

That really does suck. Being admitted to a psych ward is no fun, and not knowing what's wrong just makes it all worse. Is anybody (doctors and so forth) interested in hearing your opinions about what might make life a little bit easier?

What a joke, eh?! Of course you would land in a hospital -- no contract required!

I have promised my psychiatrist I will call her beforehand and then listen to her recommendation.

Well, my diagnosis was made official today.

I have schizophrenia. More importantly, schizoaffective disorder. It was reported from the doctors note.

Where do I go from here? I feel like it is a heavy cross that I cannot bear to carry.

i'm really sorry about all that bro. i think i can relate, if only a bit a least - my parents are wreaking some havoc for me too, they're definitely helping out with getting me labeled with schizophrenia. i might be a bit paranoid, but i know in my heart of hearts that the last damn thing i need is more, more, and some more professional bs breathing down my neck. i certainly can't condone self harm....... but it's so frustrating to be told what "your best interests" are. it is so for me, anyway. i agree with cockney, i hope you find the strength to get these people off of you.

I feel safe in my little world. There, no one can hurt me and there is no paranoia there.

The challenge is to find right and accurate perspective. The dullards do not understand, but then neither do we know quite as much as we might think. So, and like for anyone, the focus must be on sorting fact from fiction without regard for labels.

It sounds like they still haven't nailed the meds right.

I hope you don't mind my asking, and you don't need to answer this in more detail than you comfortable with, but just for general direction - is it paranoia that's kicked up this hard in the past few weeks, depression, or is it something else?

me too.

That would give certain members here fuel for their fires on having me banned.

Just because those members are outspoken, do not kid yourself for a second that there aren't twice as many that support your place here Ackman. Push comes to shove, there are plenty of people here willing to back you up. I'm one of them.

Hang tough! And I agree. Don't give the haters any fuel. Keep on keeping on... do what it is you do. Ever hear the saying - "The best revenge is living well."? Live well, and let those of us who do support you lend a hand. Let the haters starve...

Same here.