Content as a houseplant.

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That's what I want to be. It seems like that's the only thing left I can strive for.

Most of my 29 years I have managed to stand aside the world and partake at will. On the outside you can see the rules and true nature of things without emotional distractions. My interactions have always been planned. If you build a rollercoaster you don't get the same thrill when you ride it, but a different kind of thrill. The unexpected always came both good and bad, but I could see where the ride was headed from the start. On to something new.

I adventured, always seeking something new to ride out. I had friends and girls only because they came to me. I never once initiated anyone. Being in relationships from 13 onward kept me connected to the world. I never identified with any groups, only beautiful girls that belonged to them. I've spent time with many different types of people. I learned to read people in a sociopathic manner, without the ill intentions. Being a blank slate most of my morals for the majority are good. Stoic. I was stepped on more than I stepped. And I always saw it coming.

So I found a girl I wanted to be with. I was with her for 7 years and have a daughter. She left me for my best friend who I grew up with. He became hostile to me because because of the situation they created, while I continue to try to avoid what I can. They are still together and I still have to interact with her as a mother. It's not easy. I've been through a few years of this, of their constant breakups always bringing hope that it's over. But that just worsened into hope that my daughter will not have to be around their fighting and making up.

So now I'm old. Older than my 29 years, tired, sick alot. I've always had severe migraines lasting several days. I get anemic from not eating during headaches and get used to not eating. Even though I can read people, I can't react naturally and quickly with someone I don't know. I have never had a job. I found ways to make money through ebay and online ventures. I've freelanced, bought and sold many things, had 3 business licenses but nothing pulled through. I always hit a wall. I hate the business world, I hate marketing, and I can not work on someone elses schedule. I still do things online to make a little cash, but I can't fully support myself.

I play dumb in public. I have long hair with dark eyes and an underweight body, an I'm naturally skinny anyway. People think I'm just a drug addict. Never have been, I don't drink, and I've only smoked pot in a few periods of my life. But I play into that identity if I need to, it avoids conversation. And I can think, and speak, if I really need to. Most of the time.

So not being able to support myself, I applied for SSI. Which is hard for me to do, and not something I'm proud of. I don't see a psychologist, I read psychology. So I don't have records, only migraine records. So SSI sent me to a Psychoanalyst for records.

My analyst session was horrible. I don't know how to converse without getting a feel for a person. I can't just sit and talk about myself, I can't tell anyone how I feel. He was impatient, thought I was a dumb drug addict who didn't want to work, and he thought I wasn't aware of what was going on. When people are dealing with an idiot or a child, they let their guard down. At first he played the typical hard role of an analyst, stiff body language and stern voice. He tried to show no emotion. But several times he spoke in condescending tones. I know this is probably standard practice, but when he asked me the same question several times to provoke a response I found it insulting the things he was insinuating without any prior knowledge of my character. My word meant nothing to him from the start so I couldn't trust him. I thought he would screw up my case if I said anything wrong. So instead I didn't say enough which lead to SSI ignoring me for 6 months.

I just sent in a request for his report which I hope to get.

So that's where I'm at. I can't support myself. I had a few girls since my big splitup, but I'm not the same. I've watched all the documentaries I could find over the years, I'm tired of reading books. I'm done taking pictures and exploring the state I live in. I'm alone through it all, and I can no longer deal with people. The only thing positive in my life is my daughter who I see 50% of the months, which is the only reason I'm alive and my only happiness. But without feet to stand on that's always in danger.