Diary of a binge eater: OBSESSED with food... no way out :(

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Two years ago I started binge eating as a way of coping with an emotionally intense traumatic incident. For three or four days nothing but apples and cereal bars, then I would just go crazy with junk food-- an entire cake, or half a dozen ice cream sundaes, as many as I could fit in. I finally wisened up and took on a better nutritional variety, and even though my personal issue blew over, the "snake diet" has continued unabated ever since. I'm obsessed with fat, I have lost 25 pounds since this started and my weight fluctuates as much as 5 pounds per week.

I only eat every three or four days, depending on my most recent weigh-in. I plan where I'm going to go (I never eat at home--only on holidays-- life's too short) days or even weeks in advance.

The other day I ate:
--a full-size chef's salad
--an 8-inch pan pizza with everything on it
--a plate of pudding
--two heaping scoops of ice cream ($6 cone)
--a thick coffee milkshake

and was STILL hungry.

On my days off I'll maybe have a can or two of soup and a blended coffee drink, which keeps me feeling less-than-starving for the day.

BTW I'm tiny-- 5'5". I have no idea where all this food goes, but it goes down and stays down.

I don't see a way out.... I just want that Chinese food I'm going out for tomorrow... I have been obsessing for days over what I'm going to get... Chow mein for one dish, and then what for the second? Mongolian beef? Moo shu? Arrgh. Chicken curry? And what flavors of ice cream am I going to get afterward? There's so much to try and so little time in this life. I'm going to be 30 in two months and maybe someday I won't be able to eat whatever I want.

My town in small and I'm known around all the local eateries as an eccentric who can pile away MAD amounts of food. I don't like eating with other people because it's embarrassing. Or, more accurately, I hate listening to, "How do you eat so much?" "Boy you're hungry!" and staring at me as I'm still eating twenty minutes after they're finished. I hate multiple course meals because I'm frothing at the mouth while other people are bantering. And I can only eat early in the day because I take sleep meds which must be used on a empty stomach.

I installed a random number generator on my phone which I'm going to use to decide where and when I eat.

I love my binges and am not willing to give them up for anything. But the "off" days, where I eat hardly at all, are miserable. It affects my mood, my impulse control on my off-days is horrible. Yesterday I told my parents something I didn't want to tell them for another few months, and I don't think I would have if I hadn't been so danged hungry and irritable. But I can't eat much on my off days, because I won't feel satiated unless I binge. I'm only not hungry when I'm full. If ONLY I COULD EAT WHAT I FREAKING WANTED AND NEVER HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT GETTING FAT! That would be heaven...

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You're trying to fill a hole that can't be filled with food. I am the same. I am right now watching a show about food addiction. They are saying whether you are a compulsive over eater or anorexic/bulimic it is a symptom of the same disease. Hoping to learn something. They are basically saying it's about unresolved pain. That reminds me, I am an alcoholic in recovery. When I was in rehab there was not a single person there who had not experienced a traumatic event, whether it was childhood rape or even one who witnessed his best friend electrocuted in a freak accident. It was only by chance that it wasn't him that was killed. Not everyone chooses food, he chose cocaine, but it's still the same.

Sounds like your blood sugar is all over the place. You want to ration that out, if you have days that you don't eat your body stores the fat.

Best advice - avoid hydrogenated stuff, high fructose corn syrup, margarine, etc.. My current model is drink, water, coffee, or tea (no pop unless its got whiskey in it), and I stay mindful to keep my refined sugar and cereal intake reasonable low, as I realize I can't avoid those last two things but I try more for rice or potatoes in lieu of bread when its an option.

Oh yeah - and stews are wonderful. Make a big batch of something and the leftovers taste better with every passing day. Plus, stews are super-healthy and low calorie. One of my favorites is an Arizona desert stew chili that I make (lean stewing beef, garlic, unions, green pepper, peeled roma tomatoes, cumin, oregano, can of beer, one of those deals).

Binging and fasting can lead to a deadly ion imbalance and cause a heart attack.

You should contact a professional who specializes in eating disorders.

I like eating too. Especially if I'm out with my husband and there are lots of different flavours going on. Sometimes I eat more than he does because of the variety. I get through a lot of junk too if I'm at home by myself. As others have suggested, I think part of this behaviour is filling a hole in my life. I like to be at home because I can't mess things up if I stay at home, but at the same time there are other things I wish I wanted to do.

I don't know what to suggest to help you. You're obviously aware that your behaviour isn't normal and even if you're not putting on weight it still isn't good for your body. Perhaps on your off days you could try to consume more calories in order to control your hunger and thus your emotions. You could eat lots of fruit, vegetables, and smoothies, stuff that is good for your body but doesn't have the calories of the food you eat on your on days. If you could take control on such days then maybe you would be able to think more clearly about your needs and how best to fill them.

This is definitely an eating disorder. It doesn't matter if you don't get fat from it, or if you try different diets. It is an out of control obsession with food that slowly but surely takes over your life. Two suggestions: Overeaters Anonymous. And a medical professional specializing in eating disorders. I was an anorexic/bulemic in my teen years. It has finally calmed down. I still over eat on occasion, but nothing like it used to be. I slowly phased out the foods that trigger binging, and that made it easier. Things like candy, baked goods, gluten, white sugar, yeast, etc. You may end up with high blood pressure diabetes, and heart issues if you don't get some help.

The fact that you posted in the Haven tells me that you are aware that you need help. I hope you seek it.

I'm concerned about you, OP, and agree with hartzofspace that you should consider seeing someone for help. I know it's not something you can do until you are ready, but please think about it.

With all of the people with ED's on WP, we really should start a support thread and get it stickied. Part of me gets very angry when I read threads like this, knowing that ED's are so prevalent in the AS community, but also still so misunderstood and so rarely talked about. I have a history of these problems myself and still feel like I'm walking a fine line with it sometimes. I view an ED very much as something you manage, not something you just 'get over' and we can all learn from and help each other, regardless of what stages we are at.

I posted this hoping to raise awareness on here and share my experiences and I appreciate the support you all have given. This issue I am having has become a frequent topic of discussion with my psychiatrist.

I say this as a contribution to the discussion of eating disorders among people with ASD, not as a statement of arrogance: the plain truth is that eating what I want from time to time in terms of food is not something I am willing to give up. Even if it is bad for me, I will continue to do it, because it feels that good. I'm a smoker unwilling to quit, or an alchie unwilling to stop drinking. I am able-bodied, my blood pressure is excellent, and by all accounts I'm in good shape. But that doesn't mean I don't have high triglycerides or something like that. I plan to have a physical soon to make sure everything is OK.

But even if it isn't, I won't change. I love my ice cream. I'd rather put myself at risk of a heart attack than go without it.

I have had an unusual diet for years. I just want to not be obsessed with food and have it take over my life, but it has in recent weeks. I started this because I had nothing else, but now I can say that even if I did, it would still dominate my thoughts, and that's where I know I've crossed the line into eating disorder territory. My hope is that if I can deal with my other issues things will calm down.

I still plan on going out for Chinese food tomorrow, and lots of it... it's just that I've been thinking about it all day.

Here's an article some of you might find interesting, about a brand new study:

Heroin vs. Haagen Dazs: What Food Addiction Looks Like In The Brain

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Well...life's too short to worry about what you eat I say. I think I can relate cause I do overeat when I'm stressed or have too much caffeine in my system. My biggest problem is spending money on food. I'm over $1000 in debt from this habit and barely making monthly payments. I think I may also be hypoglycemic from binge drinking in college but I dont let it get to me cuz I dont gain all that much weight from eating. I may die of heart failure sure but who cares?

You sounded proud in your OP.

Eating disorders suck. I know I can't just tell you to stop it because I have been there myself so I know it doesn't work like that. I had one for years and I hated having it. I was afraid of getting fat and hated fluctuating fearing it would keep going up and up so I starved myself all the time. Then it went away when I got pregnant and me breast feeding keeps it away because I don't have to worry about getting fat. My weight stays down but I still fluctuate. It doesn't bother me.

You don't need to binge to enjoy food. You can still have it and not binge on it. I enjoy eating too and I can do it without binging.

League Girl is right. When I had eating disorders, it really messed up my life in other areas. I was not able to do things that I liked, because I was always obsessing about what I was going to eat next. I would be at work, lusting over the dessert I was planning to prepare and binge on, making mistakes at my job while doing this. I couldn't date because I was obsessed with how fat I thought I was. Eating should be a normal part of life. Enjoying food is cool. But planning your life around binging in not normal, healthy or sane.

I still love food. But one of the souvenirs I got from binging and purging, is GERD. I have to take medicine to keep stomach acid under control, and if I binge, I am up all night with heart palpitations and acid reflux. I can't fill my stomach to capacity; indeed, it is very uncomfortable to binge now. Your stomach is your friend. Treat it right, and it will serve you all of your life. Abuse it, and you will end up with irreversible diseases. Again, there is nothing wrong with loving ice cream. Just don't make it your higher power. It's just food.

So... yesterday was a baaaaad day. I went out for Chinese food and ate way too much too fast (I had to be at work). Then I went out for ice cream. I got home to change and felt like I was going to throw up from food overload, but didn't. For the next three hours I felt like I was going to pass out... I just needed to lie down... but I toughed it out. This is only the second or third time I was this bad. Normally I know when to stop but for some reason I didn't this time.

I MUST change my habits for my psychological and physical health, and I'm going to. Sure I might keep my alternate fasting diet... but the overeating till I feel like I'm going to throw up... the passing out... hating myself afterward... no more.

Sorry if I came across as "proud"... I most definitely am not proud of this.

There's bingeing, and there's bingeing.Yesterday was a binge. Never again.

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My tip is to look at the Food Pyramid assuming that you're American by your location, figure out how many servings you can eat from each food group and stick with that. You'll be amazed with how many servings of food that you get in total each day when you add it up. You won't feel the urge to binge, because you'll be eating enough of the good stuff, anyways.

You could stop going to restaurants. Eating your own plain home cooking would make you less likely to binge, and cost a lot less. Since you wouldn't be banned from eating any particular food, only where you eat it, you shouldn't feel too deprived.

There is a magic combination of salt, sugar, and grease which prevails in most restaurant food and processed foods--this combination makes it easier to eat larger amounts before your brain realizes that you're actually full. And the serotonin release from overeating is what makes it addictive (and also what's making you feel so sleepy afterward.)

cripes just reading that hardened my arteries.. and im hungry now too


Maybe you could try and direct the eating binges to something a bit more healthy? fruits, salads, fish.. etc?