He didn't call today

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It's a Tuesday and he didn't call again. He hasn't called for almost a year. I keep forgetting that my dad is gone. I see a job that I think he'd like and maybe he'd move down here to putz around and have fun managing a pet store and then halfway through writing down the information, I realize I can't do this. I check the time and think about how I'm going to get my husband to his doctor's appointment when my dad is due to call today, then finally realize he's not calling. Again and again and again. I don't understand why I'm not remembering that this happened and he's gone. Why I have to have a moment when I remember instead of just knowing all the time. It doesn't feel like it's been almost a year. It doesn't feel like I haven't heard his voice in that long.

I experienced something very similar when I lost my mom. It took a good three years for that effect to wear off for me. I figured that 24 years of programming her into my life would take sometime to deprogram - to store in the random access memory instead of on my startup menu. I think i was more disturbed that much of the time, I never really grieved or, at least, not the way other people seem to. It's 18 years later and i still dream about her though nowhere near as often.

Give yourself time to reprogram... one day you'll just realize that it happened and wonder how it did. *hugs*

because he's your dad

*hugs* Maybe he is still around in a way? Maybe you could chat to him on the phone without him being there? (if that's an awful idea, please ignore!)