riding with a ghost

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I saved someones life 6 months ago. She carried her death in a bottle everywhere she went. She was a high school era lover I got back in touch with at an odd time.

She texted me late and we had sex all night, the next morning she woke up early and went back to her boyfriends house. There she took a handful of pills she thought would work, and died a little bit. She was released from the hospital that evening, talking her way out of the ward. This was not easy on me but I wanted to help her. We became friends for a few months. I suggested we stop f*****g soon after, at least until she was over her boyfriend and to show I wanted a sincere friendship.

Unhappy with work and divorce and her troubled mind, she enjoyed my calmness and understanding and talk of old times. I countered her depressive thinking with logic, logic I learned from depression. She got a leave from work and longer counseling but still carried her death with her.

I said something in the lines of, "Is there something you want to do before you die, since you are so sure about it?".

One morning she wanted me to go for a drive with her. No questions, I said sure. We ended up 6 hours down the freeway. We talked the entire time, about everything. We found our humor still had the same core. Though eventually her plan came out, She wanted to confront someone who sexually abused her as a child.

That took awhile to sink in. She hinted at this in our highway conversation. Like I said, we talked about everything. I was running through my head multiple realities that could take place... what he looked like, where he lived, and most ended with a fight or someone dieing. I'm no fighter, but I spin stuff around on fire because it looks cool. Surely some of these learned psuedo-martial arts moves could be useful? I was more anxious than usual, a dreadful layer on top of my baseline anxiety, but I put it out of my head. We both stopped talking about it and headed to his residence.

He was not hard to find. Having been convicted of abusing other children, he was a registered offender. Nobody knew about her case except a few family members she told as an adult. So we had a bittersweet ride down a coastal highway to his trailer park. It was too good for him, it was a beautiful area with tin cans dropped on paved slabs. We had to wait for him, nobody answered. She pretended to be a close relative with a fake name and kindly asked when he would be back. We waited.

This was for closure, hopefully peaceful closure. Just in case I kept my hand on a collapsible baton inside my jacket. With my other on her shoulder. What answered was a sorry and wasted old man. Not in years, but experience. His eyes were gloss and his skin looked loosely tacked in place. He wasn't over 50. I can rarely look people in the eyes, but in this case I looked right through him the entire time.

It was a tearful confrontation on both sides. She told him who she was, and his wrecked face came to life. She confessed how he ruined her life and all her relationships, and he confessed to his "demons". He had now "found god", and to show this he took her hand and prayed. We heard parts of his story. In his mandatory therapy he was told victims may seek him out for closure and he always wondered if it would happen. He was convicted on two other counts against young girls and had been chemically castrated.

This moment in time, at that place, lasted forever but we got back in her truck 40 minutes later and I held her up while she cried.

We followed the long route home with the ocean out my window. My job was done so I sat and thought, while she experienced several emotions in several phone calls to family. The winning emotion was power, she felt like she could do anything now.

My only regret on this trip... the angel statue on his deck railing. She was young and loosely dressed young girl I didn't find appropriate for a man like this. I should have saved her.


Me and this girl shaped each other in early years. She is a strong sociopath, and she lies to everyone. I knew and accepted her. And she accepted my antisocial behavior and my odd way of things. After this she wanted a relationship and a child with me. I desperately wanted a real female friend, and still do. And that's all. I knew it wouldn't work and it ended, again. But she was doing better.

I don't think anyone will ever be there for me like I have been for others. I always help people without considering if or why I should, I just do. And I never want or expect anything in return. If I give something to someone, that's my choice and mine to give. Expecting something is extortion.

I just wish I could call on someone just to be with me. For no reason other than to show that their time set aside is a worthwhile expense. 6 months ago, and she was the last adult I said more than a sentence during the course of a day.

So much of this story is far too familar to me. There is a women i have known for almost 20 years(a highschool girlfriend) that keeps stumbling back into my life, and i end up playing the role of supporter and champion.
I think as an Aspie it is easier to deal with other peoples problems than our own. This can lead us to have people in our lives who carry a great deal of pain, which we try and shoulder in addition to our own.

Yet we are the ones
who lack empathy?