Though I have never seen anyone to be diagnosed, I've always kind-of suspected that I have AS. When I was a kid I was always well... me. I never liked wearing clothes that had seams or lace. I couldn't stand wearing shoes because I couldn't stop wiggling my feet around inside them. I was deathly afraid of loud noises, and really didn't like people looking me in the eye. Sometimes I was even unable to recognize people that I know (even family members at times), and most of all, I had an insatiable appetite for constantly spending time either painting or sculpting alone in my room.
When I was 12 or so I had a very bad experience with a psychiatrist. Even though my grades in school were decent (B's and A's mostly), my mother kept comparing me to my other two older sisters who both got straight A's on every report card. She got it in her head that I was just ADHD and that a magic bottle of medication might be able to "fix" me. Therefore I was taken to a local just-out-of school psychiatrist, who, on the basis of a thirty-minute interview and an IQ test (which I rocked, by the way) misdiagnosed me with ADHD and prescribed meds that somehow caused kidney bleeding (weird right? long story). Bleeding kidneys aside, I was so angry about being forced to take medicine for a condition that I knew I didn't have that I fought my parents tooth-and-nail every day. I knew very well that I had no trouble concentrating when I wanted to, but my parents just wouldn't listen to me. On one occasion My mother actually pushed me on the ground and locked me out of the doctor's office so that she could talk to my pediatrician about my condition and make decisions about my life without having to listen to my input. Since then I've never felt I could trust my psychiatric or emotional condition to medical professionals. Unfortunately, it also made me reluctant to communicate with anyone in my family about my suspicions regarding AS.
Now, don't get me wrong, I love my mom and dad, and I know that in their own way they were just trying to make things easier for me. ...But every now and again I just think about it and get mad, because I'm in this funny stalemate as an adult. No one talks about it to me, but I think they all discuss it behind my back, because every now and again my sister or someone will make a you're-slow-because-you-have-ADHD joke pointed at me and it really hurts my feelings. I'm not insulted by being called ADHD or anything (even though I'm not), it's just that it was a very traumatic time for me and I just wish they'd let me go on with life without it popping up in conversations involving people I don't even know sometimes! On several occasions I have actually stood up and said something like:
"HEY! Firstly, making fun of someone for just being born different is stupid. Secondly, I don't even really have ADHD! As a matter of fact, I love concentrating! I went through almost all of college with a 4.0 GPA and did it while working, living on my own and on my own dime; then I graduated, got a job in my field, and did so happily with no medication whatsoever! Did any of you do that!? What more proof do you need?"
...but usually my family members just roll their eyes and ignore me just like they did when I was twelve. I guess it's because they want some word they can use to define me as a person who thinks altogether differently than they do... and ADHD is all that they know. Sometimes I think that maybe I should tell them about AS, but it's hard to knowingly give them more fuel for their teasing, which seems mean to me, even though they keep telling me it's just joking.
As much as my parents thought it would be a problem for me to get behind in school, I feel even more behind in learning how to deal with situations such as this one regarding expressing and enforcing how I wish to be treated by others... or for that matter, how to get people I care about to just accept me for who I am instead of slapping some label on my forehead and attributing everything I do as a result of my condition.
08 May 2011, 2:19 am
