my ex husband sucks....

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He cares naught about his children
He treats me like poo
He treats me like a piece of crap on a stick
He doesn't respect me at all

Tomorrow is mothers day. I am the mother of his 2 children. Do you think he might take my 2 children out to make me a card or buy me a present.... NO! Instead he is taking his own mother out to a 5 star restaurant. He said i should be happy because i get to spend time with the kids. Yes, but i do that daily. Maybe telling me few days in advance so i could take my own kids out to dinner with me was too much to ask for.

I hate being a single mum at times.

Oh and he came over today to see the children but instead just slept on my couch then went home. Great Father, son and daughter time.

Sounds like your ex husband is a sack of ****.

I agree.

He's not your husband any more, so he's no longer accountable to you. Give up on him, find another pet man and move on.

Why is it that long after the divorce is final, some women think that they still 'own' the man they were once married to?

I'd say more on this topic, but this thread is in the 'Haven' after all...

^wow, someone got hit with the bitterness stick... the man in question is still responsible for his children, and it sounds like he is doing a sh***y job of that, regardless of also being a douchebag ex-husband.

Solveig, if can't rely on your ex to take the kids on Mother's Day, is there someone else who can babysit for a few hours? having a nice Mother's Day doesn't have to mean spending-every-spare-second-with-your-children-all-day, so i think it is perfectly acceptable to want to have a break on the day that is meant to celebrate *your* role.

if it doesn't work out that you can get some time away tomorrow, you might want to look into whether there is some kind of respite help you can get on an intermittent basis in future. some organizations offer periodic help for single mothers. or there may be a parent's group that offers rotating child care so that you can have some time to breathe.

really, that man is never going to meet your expectations. unfortunately it may be time to organize and arrange your life around that fact. maybe find ways to care for yourself and your family's needs without taking him into consideration or relying on him in any way. yes, he will be a part of the children's lives and you will have to interact with him and everything, but don't depend on him for anything because if he was not helpful and supportive during your marriage, he will not improve after the marriage is over.

i hope you find a way to make this work. (((hugs)))

So perhaps you could do even better and say nothing, then.

Fnord, I don't think that the OP cared so much about the card, I think the big deal is that her ex is not doing his share of caring for their children. Regardless of their relationship with each other, they are both parents of their children, he still has an obligation to their children.

And leave this entire thread to be a one-sided, man-bashing extravaganza? No way!

The OP would be better off making a clean break of it and giving up on the guy completely. That she still expects him to conform to her expectations and live up to her standards evidences an attachment that she still maintains. Theirs is still a two-way relationship, in spite of the divorce, and one that can only continue to erode her credibility to her children while harming all of their future chances of ever having a stable and loving relationship.

What are the children learning from all of this?

That all men are lazy good-for-nothings? They will certainly learn that if their father continues to behave the way he has been.

That all women are frazzled, frustrated, and angry all of the time? They will certainly learn that if she continues to try to dump the blame for her own failures on the children's father (in addition to the blame for his failings).

That marriage is a sham? They will certainly learn that as long as they have no example of a stable and loving relationship between the two most important adults in their lives.

In my opinion, if the father is such a terrible person, the mother would be better off by taking the kids far, far away, finding another man to marry, and letting him support her and her kids, while the real father of her kids spends the next 20 to 30 years of his life growing up and becoming the man she always wanted him to be with another woman who understands what love is all about.

If the OP wanted him out of her life bad enough to divorce him, then she should take steps to keep him out of her life while she tries to raise the kids while having a life of her own without him.

If instead the OP wanted him to remain in her life and become a decent husband and father, then maybe divorce was not the best action to take.

I believe just because someone is divorced or separated doesn't mean the man or mother don't have to care for their kids anymore just because they don't have custody. They still need to do their share as a parent.

Only time I think a parent should be cut off from their kids is if they were abusive or molested a child or were doing drugs and couldn't be around the kids and was very irresponsible.

solvejg, it sounds like your ex is a lazy jerk and a dead beat father. I would say he isn't worth it to be in your kids' lives if he doesn't spend time with them or help out with them. But he should still do his share as a dad but if he isn't, he isn't worth it.

lol. you are doing your gender proud, sir.

Solvejg - I hope he steps upto the mark one day, and takes some responsibility.

Hey Fnord:

Let's pretend the point is this astericks: *

That means you would be ...
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here.

That's just how far off base you are from what this thread is about.


With that said, SOLVEJG:

I know exactly what you're feeling and don't lose complete hope. He may come around at some point. I know some men who are very grateful for everything that their ex-wives have done for their children. If they were perfect husbands and fathers, they wouldn't be thanking an EX-wife so, once upon a time, they were jerks and then grew up. It's certainly neither acceptable nor uncommon for a single dad to fall asleep on the job when he has young children. Not all dads are like this but many, unfortunately, won't start becoming engaged with their children until they're old enough to interact as coherent, well-rounded people.

If this really concerns you, have a calm discussion with him where you simply say, "The children need to have respect for me and love me the way you love your mother. This is re-enforced by how you treat me. We've been through a lot but, for the kids' sake, if you could show respect and then make sure they appreciate their mother on Mother's Day, I would think that would be very good for them. You don't have to spend a lot of your money or anything like that. I think it would go a long way for them to just learn by example by how they see you treat me." But, in return, you have to treat him with respect in front of the children. If he doesn't take to this simple request, let it go. You can't force him to be decent.

In the meanwhile, know that your ex's priority is going to be his mother, not the mother of his children. The bane of a single mother is that you won't get many surprise rewards for Mother's Day from your kids until they're old enough to attend school (where class projects will provide sweet handmade gifts). Think about what makes you really happy with your kids... is it playing together in the park? when they make you a wonderful painting? Singing songs and dancing together? Make sure your children know the Mother's Day tradition and celebrate with them Sunday. Tell them how special Mother's Day is and how happy you are to be their mommy. Then do an activity with them that makes you happy that also creates a positive memory for them. No one else is going to teach them (until they're in school) that you deserve special treatment and love on Mother's Day. It's up to you.

I set the tradition with my kids that I like handmade things. And they've seen me use the practical and creative things they've made. So they really get to work creating something using their own hands and minds, knowing that I treasure it. There's nothing their fathers could ever do to match this. No card, no "thank you", no fancy dinner. I usually get breakfast in bed from my husband and he's planning to cook me a very nice dinner. Ask me which will mean more, that dinner or the picture that my Kindergartner painted for me and is very carefully keeping it a surprise until Sunday?

(But, let's just be clear, I do appreciate the food. It will be yummy.)

Last edited by wefunction on 07 May 2011, 6:01 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Fnord, please leave this thread. Clearly you don't see the difference between man bashing and a parent wanting a fellow parent to act properly toward his children. Raising children can be difficult even with two parents, raising them alone even more so.

Fnord needs to re-read the Haven rules.

@Fnord - she only seems to criticise one man here, was it the generalisation made in the title that bothered you?

@Solveig - your ex-husband "sucks" and it's not fair to generalise - I've seen plenty of men acting decent even after they get divorced, same as I've seen people of both genders treating their ex-es horribly. Giving you a card or helping you have a day off would have been nice but since you're divorced it can't really be seen as an obligation. Did you arranged with him to have the kids and he cancelled or you just expected him to do it - it's not very clear? The real problem seems to be that he's neglecting the children and that indeed he should treat you respectfully in front of them, it's part of his obligations as a father, not as ex-husband. And a very important one that he should treat seriously.

Oh never mind.