My Life is too f****d up

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If God is real, I think He hates me more than anything.
I got a bad gene (ugly as f**k), and I just discovered that I have Asperger after 20 years of my life.

And suddenly all of life's problems make sense, I think I was a shy and weird person because I'm just ugly, but it's because of the Aspergers.
My mother said that my motoric skills are kinda late (I walked after 12 months) When I was a kid, I always be that weakest kid in school. I have a really weak physical strength and I hate sports and have no friend since then.
My parents are dumb and a conservative person, they don't think that I have a syndrome or just abnormal. They just think that I AM JUST A SHY PERSON, that's it.

For junior high school, my father forced me to study in a religious dormitory school. I was a smart kid with good grades back then, instead of put me in top school in town, He put me in a garbage bin full of idiot loser. He wishes I can be a better religious person if I study there, but guess what dad? I become an atheist instead.
Can you imagine 13 years old boy with Asperger living in a dormitory full of bullies? If you ever bullied in school, my bullied-time is light year worse because I got bullied 24/7. Since I wake up until I sleep, I always meet the bully. Even this tragedy still haunts me until today (I usually have a nightmare about my junior high school time)

Same story for my high school time, even if I went to normal public school, I still have a hard time in socializing. At least I'm less-bullied here and had a better time.

And now I'm a last year college student and my crippling depression started to haunt me every day. I have no friend, no girlfriend, I live with my grandma who hates me because I'm not a social person.
All I do is playing online games and watching movies, I choose the wrong major and even if I try to survive for 3 years, I finally give up. I never attended any class, I lied to my parent and family and I think I'll be a drop out by this year ends. I can't tell anyone about my problem because... I have Asperger, duh! I can't communicate properly with anyone and choose to deal with myself by become a full anti-social person.

This is actually the first time I write my confession, I don't expect you all to help me or anything. Because I didn't think that I can be helped.
If you wonder why i haven't end myself yet, it's because of video games and movies that still give me some energy to continue my life - I know it's pathetic af.

Even if I have Asperger, I can actually speak like a normal person in English and Germany language (my native language is Indonesia). I actually have many friends abroad (I easily make friend with travelers). That's why all I want now is to start my new life in a new country, I want to restart my life.
But I know it's so expensive, I don't know how to do it honestly. I started to work as a remote freelance writer and make $400 a month (it's so little but still a decent wage in my country).

If I didn't make it to move to other countries, I'll probably just end myself. The social pressure is too high here, all of my friends started to graduate and here I am dealing with my crippling depression. I better live a hard life where no one knows about me than living a hard life where many people know about how pathetic my life is.

To make my effort in writing this worthed, I hope some expert here can answer my question:
1. Is my condition ever happened before? (Asperger in native language, but can function like a normal person in foreign language)?
2. Can a psychologist/psychiatrist supervise me to move to other country with my condition?
3. What is the most less-painful way to suicide?

Hi admiralbulldog,

I am very sorry to hear that you have been treated so terribly.

It's good to hear you've been working as a freelance writer. Even if the pay is low, it's good experience that you can build on. Have you considered becoming a translator in English and German as well?

I do believe in God, and will pray for you. Sadly, the world has become more and more selfish ... in all countries, not just yours ... and even the people who should show you the most love are not living the way they're supposed to live. I've had family problems to the point where I haven't gone home for Christmas in years.

You are young, and there is hope.
You are worth it.
Life is worth it.

I hope things get better for you very soon.

And yes, I find that when I travel somewhere new, people often treat me better and it's like a fresh start. So maybe a move would indeed be good for you.

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Hi Phoenix thanks for replying,


I consider being a translator but too many competitors and the demand is low. While being content writer have unlimited demands, so for now I'll focus on this.
I want to apply to "normal" job, but I always think of the embarrassment and I feel overqualified to do a minimum wage job ($200/month in my country)

Yeah I know that feeling, I really hate my family and want to move to life by myself but I haven't got enough money for it. my family is so judgemental and expect many things from me while they didn't know that I have a syndrome at all. I don't have any idea how to tell them.

Hi admiralbulldog,

You sound similar to me. I could be a translator as well, and am running into the same things you are. I made the suggestion only because I think it's good to take a look at all options, and then maybe you'll find something even better in the process.

You're right about content writing. I am more of a technical writer, but more of the jobs right now seem to be content writing, editing, and marketing copywriting.

As for getting a normal job and being embarrassed ... you're young, everybody has to start somewhere ... and getting some solid work experience is a good thing. Once you can say you have experience doing something, you can expect to earn more money doing it.

That said, you're right when it comes to taking a look at these entry-level jobs to see if they're right for you. It depends on whether you will learn anything of value at a particular job.

You sound like you have a lot to offer. I'm hopeful for you!

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As for telling your family about Aspergers or autism ... I haven't told my family, because what if they treat me even worse?

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