I don't want to be alone.

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The problem is this. I have too many problems. Those problems don't make the process of my psychological recovery easy. If I were to make a friend with one of you right now, I'd be worried about bombarding you with all my current problems, because that's all I have as a discussion topic right now: my problems. And it's come down to me wanting it all about me; it never has been to tell the truth, and I'm worried about losing all my friends because I start talking about myself and what I'm going through instead of including them in a conversation.

While yes, some people will offer you a shoulder, I don't like that being the primary reason I speak to a person. There are people who at least get paid for that. Yet, I need more time. I need time to focus on me, but I can't do it alone. I can't sit down and talk to a therapist 60 minutes per week, because I need more than what I'm getting. I also do poorly under restriction, so unfortunately my crazy side has no place to identify herself.

After months of explaining to my mother and counselor that I am suffering from intense anger build-up, no one seems to be doing much about it. I believe it's starting to come out in small quantities, mainly rants, inappropriately. Now, I don't mean it's inappropriate information itself, just horribly misplaced. In other words, I put that rant in a place it does not belong at the wrong time.

I have lost a friend because of my intention to keep peace, and another friend at the cost of my rage. I didn't even do that much either. I told my ex-best friend (that I lost at the cost of my rage) to leave Facebook and never return. Why did I say that? Well, she wouldn't have left even if I told her to. She has the tendency to block her problems out and when things don't go her way she throws a temper tantrum and mopes around immaturely. She blocked me. This friend does not have Asperger's Syndrome, but I don't think she considers that I have it, hence the fact that what she told me was really inappropriate. When I tried to apologize to her, she tries to make it sound as if it's my fault. This friend, who knows what I'm going through, who knows that I am already suffering, who knows the intensity of that pain, told me that she could mess me up so bad right now if she wanted to. All those times I sacrificed my happiness for her and she thinks I'm selfish and have a lot of bad karma coming my way.

Now, what am I worried about all this for? Well, I try to do the right thing, but my conscience is crumbling. I feel disconnected from it almost, and that is mostly because of my Lexapro. I did something so horrible that my ex-friend has a right to be angry over. But I gave him weeks to calm down, and when I tried to recover that bond, it had already been shattered. And for what? Because I tried to protect his feelings and take his feelings into consideration? Now, THIS ex-friend has been diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome, which is what brings me to the subject; "I don't want to be alone."

If I can't even keep a friendship with someone who has my condition, who can I keep a friendship with? My condition is getting worse and worse and worse. I'm hurting good people, and I don't want to. I'm worried that I don't have what it takes to be a good person, because negligence of problems will only heighten how badly I'm already affected by Asperger's Syndrome. Already I fear talking to people, already I fear that I can't trust anyone, and already I fear I shouldn't be posting any of this here. I don't know where to go, who to turn to, what to do.

Professional help can only get you so far when they can't spend more than an hour talking to you, and when a mental institution is full of people crazier than you. Professional help also costs money. I believe that all I really need to do is talk my problems out, discuss them, and find a way to solve everything that is my life so that I am fully repaired and can move on.

It's like I'm an empty shell of a person........

I literally have nowhere to go, because no one has enough time for me. And I feel like I'm hogging attention whenever I ask for someone to give me time out of their busy schedules...

My mom, there's her. I could talk to her, but I feel like I'm already a big enough burden on her without her realizing I'm having online troubles too. And since the basic foundation of my life has been the Internet, I can't just leave it to recover. I can't work that way. I don't know how.

I know what you mean about an hour not being enough. I only get forty minutes with my therapist and I go 2x a week. And still not everything gets gotten to. I hate it there's a set time that the discussion has to end, whether issues have been resolved or not. Especially given that my parents are paying for this. It's not like I'm talking to my friend and she says "I'd love to talk to you but I only have an hour before I have to go to soccer practice." It's these people's jobs to help people in distress. And time restraints hinder that goal or make meeting it impossible.

I'm sorry about your rage issues not being resolved and the loss of your friend. Hopefully it's a temporary loss. PM me anytime if you wish. (I've had rage issues too, mostly confined to while I'm at home, but rage issues nonetheless).

Over time you get used to being alone.

Having Aspergers usually means you are loner, shy, introverted, social anxiety and well you do not trust or even like people. More than likely your coldness is seen as unattractive to other people.

Friends who really needs them? Not me.

Last edited by Dark_Lord_2008 on 18 May 2011, 8:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

I can relate to what you are saying. In my case it is the same way. Whenever I talk to people about something, I always want to turn it into a conversation about myself. In particular I have few grudges i have over the years, and i want to talk about one of them (whatever one it is easier to twist conversation into). I also understand your problem with rage. I have had outbursts, mostly online, whenever I felt hurt at one of the spots i was hurting before. Normally I would feel an intense need to attack someone and then I would feel bad about it and want to "undo" it.

One thing I realized, though, is that talking about it is not really going to "solve" anything. People who do listen to me normally say the same things and I can predict what the next person would say. A lot more productive way to deal with it is to DO something about it. If, for example, my grudge is "not being able to fit in", then the way to deal with it is to talk about other people more and less about myself. But then again, the resentment of my current situation makes me want to talk about myself. So it is kind of like chicken and egg problem. Being in a bad situation makes me want to complain, and complaining keeps me in a bad situation, which makes me want to complain some more.

Perhaps the way out of it for both of us is to just force ourselves to pretend to be interested in others and not in ourselves? Perhaps we could tell ourselves that by being interested in others we would eventually get more respect which would ultimantely solve our problems and make us not want to talk about them anyway? But then again, at least in my case, even if my problems are solved, I tend to want to talk about old grudges. But then again, who knows? Maybe if I get surrounded by friends and get more interesting life, my old grudges won't be very interesting or important anyway. After all, I don't have any interest in discussing my having been teased in high school, since THAT is not relevent to my life any more. I tend to obsess over the stuff starting from my entering graduate school onward. So perhaps if I can get my life in order I won't have a need to obsess over that eitehr?

But again, obviously I only know my case not yours. But could it be that your problem is chicken or egg in similar way? Maybe you can try to set up a time, say, a month, during which you are to attempt to be more positive and more open to tlak to people about them (not you) and see what would happen at the end of the month? How well you would hold up?

Anyway, I wish you luck!

@Roman: I don't even know how to reply to that. My brain is so drained. Sadly, it would take up too much of your time if I went into the details concerning my situation and the loss of the aforementioned friends. Although, it may be a chicken and the egg sort of problem. It may just be that I have an inherent need to be rewarded for my efforts to get through my hardships. But you're right; talking about my problems does nothing. I can't do anything with my anger except what comes naturally. I ask to learn better ways to express it, but I feel like the anger is so severe and so powerful that it may be require something really intense to get it all out of me. Perhaps working out? But I have no one to work out with.....excuses, excuses.

It has occurred to me to do what pleases others, not what pleases me, and the pain of that is I wouldn't be happy pleasing others if they can't see me as myself. The only reason I have a need to talk about myself is this raging desire TO do something about my problems while no one else sees that I'm so intensely focused on solving them. I can only go so far. Eventually the only thing to do will be to slip into further depression until I'm used to being alone and actually like it.

Sadly, that solution is also a double-edged sword. I could talk about anyone I want to, but eventually people will tell me to stop talking about them. It doesn't matter whether it's in a positive or negative way, they will tell me to quit talking about them. I've had an experience where instead of talking about myself I talked about some current infatuation, and people got tired and sick of it. While talking about others is a good thing, there needs to be a balance. Mutual interests are usually a good conversation topic---when I have one to discuss.

@Dark Lord: And that is why your username is "Dark Lord". =P

@Purchase: Well, it's a good thing to talk about your problems and how to deal with them. I know I'm still searching for a solution to one of my biggest ones.

You don't have to worry about this. I do understand you are in a difficult situation and you need to talk. I have, myself, written very long posts before where I was detailing my own foes. This is what this forum is for.



I am not sure what you are getting into. Are you saying that when you try to talk about other people it is not being appreciated enough? In this case, the best advice is to change your audience. Probably the people you know have already formed negative opinion about you and thats why they are not willing to give you a fair chance. So maybe you should try to get to know new people which would give you an apportunity for a fresh start.

Do you have any hobbies that you enjoy? Perhaps you should try to go to some clubs where people have shared interests with you. That would be a good way of getting to know new people. You mentioned later in your post that you wish you could have someone to exercize together with. Perhaps you could go to YMCA and get to know people there? Then you would "kill two birds with one stone". You will have people to exercize together with, as well as new friends to get fresh start socially.

As far as your old friends are concerned, my honest advice is to simply distance yourself from them. It is unfair towards you if you try your hardest and they just give you cold shoulder in response because they have their minds made up. The more you are in a situation like that, the more you get hurt which might well be one of the main things that hold you down. You really need a lot of time to heal by STAYING AWAY from the situation that hurt you AND getting new friendships going. Then maybe few years down the road, when you will become generally well liked, old friends will reconsider their opinions of you all on their own.



Yes, working out is a good idea. You can go to YMCA and find people to work out together this way.

But don't think of it as a way of "getting anger out". Rather try to think of it as a way of redirecting yourself away from your anger. An intense workout would require so much concentration that you simply won't have enough energy to think any angry thoughts during the workout. Then after you are done working out, you will generally be so happy with yourself that you "made it", that you won't be so negative about other things either.

Just try to find some activity that you find fulfilling so that you can be happy about who you are, independently of others. Do you go to college? If so, try to do well. Try taking more advanced courses than your peers. That will do wonders to your self esteem.



Maybe you can try to look for people with more common interests/common background with you? And that way you will be able to please them, and yourself, at the same time? Again, perhaps the way to approach it is to focus on getting to know new people with whom you might fit in better, as opposed to overfocusing on old ones, where it already didn't work.



The chances are that they probably are not interested in helping you for some of the reasons you stated (they don't like that you talk about yourself and stuff like that). But how about the following plan:

a) Find new people that don't know you yet, by going to YMCA or looking for some other activity partners

b) After you found them, talk about your COMMON interests, as opposed to yourself. Avoid talking about your problems for a while

c) After few months passes by and they know you well, THEN you can talk about your problems and ask advice. By that point they will be more willing to talk about you since they will know you are genuinely interested in them.



Depression is never a good answer. Try to stay put.



I think they probably mistake your intentions. While you are trying to simply avoid talking about yourself and "fit in" better, the people on the other end of a line are thinking that you are gossiping. I think it is best to talk a little bit about a lot of people, instead of talking a lot about just a few. And, by the way, yourself can be one of the people you are talking "about"; just make sure to keep it light -- talk about some LIGHT topics on "how your day went"; avoid discussing problems. Same with others -- keep conversation light, no intense talk.



Yes I agree. Perhaps your problem is that you don't have enough mutual interests with your current friends. Maybe you should look for new ones, with whom you have more in common.

Are you a middle child by any chance?

Probably something worth determining, its a fairly unhealthy mentallity if thats the case. Because on the inside, everyone is going through something even if its not visible.

Needing people isn't bad but you have to be sure to be the person you can count on the most when it comes to your problems.