NT Friend Doesn't Seem To Want To Be A Friend No More

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I'm not too sure what to do guys.

I have a friend who I met, they are an NT, unlike me, who is AS. We have gotten along quite well throughout almost the entirety of the friendship. But, lately things seem to be going downwards. It's very negative-like. It seems this person likes to hold grudges. If I say something that offends them they lash out on me, and try to tell me how low of a person that I am. They want to talk about their problems, I never mean to offend or hurt, I just want to help, but it seems that my words are often misinterpreted by my friend and I am the bad guy once that happens. I am also held "hostage" due to things I've done and admitted to many many years ago, which didn't involve the two of us or anyone they know. Like I am not capable of changing and bettering myself or something.

What hurts me the most is that they tell me that I have no excuses, excuses don't work now as to why I am 21 years of age and still at home, jobless, and receiving money. I am disabled, because of my AS and some other things as well. this clearly shows me they are not aware or do not acknowledge that AS and other things can effect a person differently from another person. It is just recently that I found out I can move any time to an apartment, which I am doing soon. It just hurts that they tell me "so what" if I have problems and "so what lots of people have problems". I basically have no excuse for not being completely independent as an AS individual, and even though I plan on it and tell them I am working right now on becoming independent they tell me things like "I wonder how many times you've said that before". I admit I've said some things many times before, but those thoughts and goals, besides the current ones I have now were "premature". It was what I wanted, but I thought in my head that it was a farcry away, nearly impossible. Now, I am seeing things clearer and am ready to start moving forward because I see that I can move on with my life and be independent. It was way harder back then, until recent instances which revealed to me a wealth of helpful knowledge. But none of this seems to matter to them. Because I said something without the intentions of hostility, that offended them and make them think I was trying to be mean and rude, I have to read their text basically telling me how it is, for me, and they know who I am, a good for nothing person who thinks of women in a demeaning fashion. A lot of it is very untrue... but I don't know what to do. I have been nice to them, nicer than just about anyone, and helpful too, and I get treated in this way. It really hurts my feelings because they look at me this way, like they really know how I feel and know who I am. I feel my words are misinterpreted so much now. I don't feel like this person values me much as a friend now either, because I'm living at home with family, mostly doing things around home, don't have a car, a job, or any of that, I am just a bum. It doesn't matter if we've spent nearly a year chatting, that I helped them through a lot of hard times, accepted and move on about them misjudging me in nearly all situations where it happened because I made them angry and now they want to make me feel like I made them feel, even though I only meant good intentions.

I guess in short... I feel betrayed by my friend and I don't know what to do or if there is anything I can do. I'm sure they feel betrayed by me too. I've already told them things which made them have a fit, and assume I am still like that way that I spoke of. They have already explained to me that they think of me as a "slimeball" of sorts. I am just sad now, again. A person, a friend whom I've kind of looked up too is showing me a side I'm not used to seeing, and it's of distrust, hatred, and venom. and they will just tell me "I'm telling you how it is", or "You are being mean and rude" if I tell them that I don't understand why they are being this way.

Has anyone ever had an experience like this?

Last edited by Pondering on 15 May 2011, 8:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I'm a bit older than you, but I was in a similar situation with an NT girl who's two years older than me, about a year ago. I was just waiting for something to fall apart between her and I. She phoned me up one day and asked me not to phone her place, anymore. She was friendly and supportive at first, than she gradually changed as time went on. I was supportive of her and I helped her out a lot. She didn't appreciate it. She also wasn't very accepting of me towards the end, either. Now she has the gall to try to weasle her way back into my little group of three. I won't let her back in and I hope that my two good friends don't let her back in, either. It's been a very strange ride for all of us, but it's been the hardest on me.

Hi cockneyRebel, it's nice to see you here on my post. You are to me one of the nicer regulars of WP. That's interesting you mention her age. The person I am speaking of is seventeen years older than I am. I'm not exactly sure if that matters, though. I am hoping that my friendship does not fall apart. that's part of the reason why I am posting. I don't feel I can talk to my friend about it now, they seem hellbent to "Tell me how it is" and what not right now. They're basically hurt or offended. Anything I say doesn't seem to help.

I hope that you can find peace with your situation. Things like this are almost always going to be a hard experience.

I hate to tell you, but your friend is not a friend. Your friend may never have been your friend. I know how hard it is to know when someone you know is a friend. I have been so often mistaken, but your case is clear to me. This person is dragging you down, not encouraging you. Drop this person.
We hate to drop friends when we have so few to start with, but I think you need to stay away from this toxic person.
I wish you well.

I kind of expected a reply like this. I'm not against your decision to post this. I will not agree or disagree until I know. It is really hard to have a clear mind when you have such big thoughts in the brain. I know my friend is under a lot of stress now due to their main situation and others. I might as well include myself in there too. I don't really want to believe they are this way, I want to believe they are just going through a hard moment which is a lot of the cause for their frustrations. I can also realize that when you are someone who is a so called professional adult, that seeing someone as an "adult" not doing "Adult" things or things to help things like maybe anxiety can be annoying. If I'm not very apparently ,actively and quickly enacting on all of this, I can also see how someone would look down on you, and assume you are selfish, or lazy. I think I can see some of this in my friend. Now come to the past, where I had done some "Deviant" things, nothing crazy mind you, and was not functioning very well at the same time, it can be hard for someone to trust you. I dunno. I've made it clear that I have changed and have intent for more change. It does nothing for me when they just turn spiteful all of the sudden and hurt me and they know that. I know I hurt them but I never meant to once. The least they could do if they think I am being mean or rude is ask "why did you say that?"My only intentions were on being a good friend. I remember very clearly, just a little bit ago they were telling me that I am very strong and determined, and then today they tell me basically the opposite. They also lended a helping hand in the beginning of our friendship. So you can see, I don't want to believe this person is not my friend. The treatment I've been receiving is not good though. They probably feel similar. It would be nice to be able to kind of sit down and talk about it, but i think emotions are riding high on their part right now.

I've had bad experiences with people who treated me well at first, but when I started to care what they thought, turned to abusive behavior. I hear abuse in what you describe.

Did this start when you first said no to a request from this person? Does this person apologize, then do the same thing again? Does he or she react with anger if you point out a blatant lie? If yes, then I fear you have fallen in with a person who can't care about you. Not doesn't care, can't care, and can only use you and abuse you.

I hope this isn't the case. Friends can act really sh***y sometimes, but please don't suffer abuse. I saw this happen to a friend, and have eliminated such people from my life without regret or pity ever since.

that's interesting that you've said that. I don't really know. I guess I can't be sure unless I ask. There was a point where they were going on about getting tons of joy on the topic of revenge, and how they despised people. I said "Ok well you are just complaining about it now" Probably not the best thing to respond with, I didn't know what to say since it seemed just like they were listing off hate, but quite honestly, hearing about how someone just loves hurting someone, or how they absolutely loathe people is only so interesting to me. This started a "situation", but I think I ended it well. We both said bye and left "internet hearts <3" to eachother. You never know feelings from then could have had something to do with the decisions made today. They didn't even say bye today.

I don't think I've pointed out a blatant lie before. I only remember maybe two times they've apologized to me. I mostly am the one to say sorry, which I also did today. I just let things go with them.

I don't want to be abused. I have taken enough of that in my life as it is.

Well I sent them a large email last night/morning trying to talk to them. Still haven't got a reply. Oh well I guess. I won't let people purposefully put me down anymore. Sure, some of the things they said about me is true... But it absolutely does not warrant mistreating me, insulting me, demeaning me, or anything of the sort. It is simple as that. I've given so much of myself to them and I will not accept any mistreatment anymore. A friend will treat you well and try to help, and a foe will try to make you feel bad. I don't know if my friendship is over now, but I do know that I'm going to move on from this rather quickly. The feeling of pain and betrayal isn't worth it. I won't accept people trying to pull me down when I need and am trying to move forward.. f**k that.

Just an update, might as well do it, what do I have to lose? I'm sure not many out there are listening, but that's okay. This will be somewhat of a mini journal thread about my experience with someone who is my friend, or at least I thought.anyone can read it and reply, and I figure, the person I thought was my friend will even read it here as well. They are a member of this forum after all, and I'm not going to hide my words or thoughts for them like they did to me only to reveal those thoughts far down the line when I made them angry with what I said. I sent another message trying to show the person how I feel about myself, and them. It was about as friendly as I could be, being demeaned by them.

I suppose, if they do not reply back, they are either hurt too much, can't suck up their pride, or really are not my friend and never was in the first place. The more I think about it, our friendship was based off of the fact that we were helping each other. As time went on by, I was really the only one helping out, or trying too. I was the one who listened to them, gave them advice when asked, and also when not in means to help because I've helped them that way many times before. They listened to me talk about things I did in my day for a little bit every so often, but quickly that all went away and we would focus on their relationship issues just about every time we talked. It was always about them and their relationship issues. They have a lot too. I don't think it's just relationship issues, I think it's issues all over the board actually.

This person cannot humble themselves right now. It's always about pride and power. Rarely do they apologize to me, it's always me doing the apologizing because I can suck up my pride and look at things from someone elses point of view. They, very often CANNOT. If someone hurts them, they need to regain their confidence, that power back in whatever way they find right, which in all cases is revenge. It doesn't matter if you are one of the nicest, friendliest, and open minded people for them and it doesn't matter for however long, you make one mistake and offend them and bruise their huge ego, they will look to get revenge on you. Nothing matters now, but them, when they are this way. They will hurt you and kick you while you are down. Very selfish traits I am seeing from them now and very immature. I wonder what would happen if I told them to get over themselves, they're wasting their life with a person who doesn't give two s**ts about them, and they need to get their head right, move on and stop bitching. This would all be true, but the "TELLING YOU LIKE IT IS method" doesn't usually help in this sense, especially when it's to counteract what someone said that hurt me. It just offends. I've only told them that it would be in their best interest to accept that they've been used and move on with their life. It happens to almost everyone and we all must move on or we will just be sad all of the time. like they are now. But them, they cannot handle it, they're a weak. They would rather dwell on the negativity, involve other people in their life problem, and hiss at them when those people don't slave away for them and do what THEY WANT. As time goes by I am seeing more and more selfish traits come out from them. This person only wants what they want, and they want it for everyone else too. If you think differently, live differently, they think lower of you, judge you, and then the bad thoughts come. In no way am I saying I'm not selfish as well, I am, but in different ways.

I've been misjudged so many times it's crazy. Some if it's my fault for sure, my wording, the way I comprehend other people's words, what they're saying, and how I respond really gets mixed up some times. Like earlier, I had mentioned that women do like me, think I'm cute and they have given themselves to me before. They asked me a question and I responded in the way I thought they wanted, but I got mixed up. That's where things got shaky. Some times the questions they ask me though are really strange. "Are you hot", or whatever, and there's some possible judgmental follow up to that question, which of coarse there was. I wouldn't be so misjudged if this person wasn't so judgmental, but it's so apparent that they like judging people because it makes them feel better about themselves and they like to believe that they are right. They like to feel powerful, correct, and superior. I think they do it because they are weak. Honestly, that doesn't bother me. It's human nature so it seems. I just wish we could all be more sensible when we are judging people. They've told me that I do not judge people because I do things that are "bad", and I don't want to be judged as bad.. Well what is bad is that they are pushing their beliefs onto me, telling me the kind of person that I am because I do something they don't do. In many ways I can see why this person doesn't have many good friends, why such a physically beautiful specimen is so lonely and distraught. Some things are just obvious.

What I feel I have here now, in terms of friendship with this person is very little. In the midst of doing my best to be the best person to my friend that I can be, I was mistaken for someone who I am not. It was then I realized that my "friend" had used, and abused me, hurt me, and kicked me while I was down. I do not know if friends do this on rare occasions, but I do know that friends do not do this often. This has happened to me more than I can remember, but I have forgiven my friend's faults, because I myself have my own. I have accepted that my friend is struggling with their emotions, their mentality, and their self importance. I have accepted that my friend would almost all of the time we talk speak of this person she hates, that she loves, that she's struggling getting over, for a very long period of time. I have given this person literally more time than probably anyone has, and opened myself up to her, only to be put down.

The thing I find so surprising to me is that this person has spent countless amounts of time researching autism, yet they tell me I have no excuses whatsoever as to why I am not functioning like the typical 21 year old adult. That they try to tell me that I am just a false hope when I tell them I will move on with my life. I admit, I am behind. There's no doubt about that I need a place of my own, to learn to drive and get my license, a job, and become more independent. It is just surprising that after all of the talking we have done, the research they have done, they refuse to look at me as I have a disability that has put massive confusion, pressure, and hardship upon me to the point where it is very hard to move on. When, no doubt about it, they are struggling with something very similar that they do not understand... Yet they choose to judge me, and tell me that I am a bad, lazy, person that doesn't deserve the things that I get. I may not be up and running to get and learn these things, or to find solutions to all of my problems, but I am walking at a fast pace and my "friend" here, the last thing they did to me was try and push me back, because they wanted revenge on me, due to something I said that was only meant to help.

The more and more I think about it the less it all feels right. If my friend doesn't message me soon, they will be forgotten as a friend. The things I will remember of them will not be good things. I won't mistake all NT people for this way though, I know my "NT" friend, who knows if she really even is NT after all, she is different from MANY NT wired people, and I will not mistake NT's for the way she acts. I know there are NT people who will stick with me during my hard times, and be more understanding or at least try, where as she may just end up knocking me down and kicking me again.

Pondering I get the feeling that that friendship is coming to an natural & an unhappy ending, that negative experience has knowledge that is very useful to about relationships, take that knowledge & make good use it in the future.

That unhappy ending is perfectly timed as now you have an happy new start in life to look forward to in moving into your new place.
Independent is changeling at times & it has opportunities too. You will have lots of new opportunities to find new friends, may be find work, who knows. The World's Your Lobster! You have a very bright and sunny future ahead of you, now is the time to put your shades on & have fun

Hi Cdfox. I think you could be right. I think you are also correct that I can use this knowledge about myself and others to my advantage. I will be doing just that!

I guess the hard part is getting over the initial fact that it's probably finished, and we just don't get along. I thought they were someone they were not. The feeling of losing a friend also sucks, feels like failure, but they lost a friend too, a pretty damn good one at that! It's probably done though, no use in worrying about it anymore, as I've done all I can. This is all too distracting otherwise, and I definitely don't need that distraction in my life. All this talk about moving on has got me excited... I think I'm about to get on.

The feeling sucks, indeed. Based on your description, though, the person can't be fixed. It sounds like you have a healthy attitude, though, and that will help the sadness pass. You gave them a chance to step up, and however things may seem, I believe you are the more mature person in the important ways. If you got inspired to improve your life through this event, and if you can spot the tendencies of abusers better, you've even gained from the experience.

I think you're pretty awesome for trying to be a friend, and for thinking it through as well as you did before deciding to stop being a one-sided friend.

It's a very sucky feeling. Horrible, really... I still don't know if the friendship is over, I am going to give this some time. It would be nice for them to just tell me whether or not they would like to be friends anymore, but I can take no response as a hint as well. They have a lot of nice qualities, I don't think I've said anything nice about them, but they have helped me through some rough times, simply for being there for me and being what seemed like a friend. It is kind of hard, when they've been so negative to you lately and so recently to say nice things about them. Regardless, this is now out of my hands. I've done all that I can. I cannot be bothered by these intrusive thoughts no more. I will not say whether or not this person, or anyone for that matter can or cannot change their ways. I just know that if you really want to then you probably can. I want to change and better myself and I feel with this friendship I have learned some things such as my social/emotional/mental flaws as well as the positives, and learned about how other people can behave. All of this is going to be remembered and I will benefit through this experience because of it. I hope my friend will do the same and find some peace.

Just another update on this "Journal thingy". I've decided to end contact with this said friend. I will not ever speak to them again unless I get an apology. I see through this person now and there are no excuses for their behavior. I have apologized for the things I have done that could have hurt her, and now it is her turn to apologize to me. I don't expect an apology.

Funny, how if I had did everything that a "functional adult" does, not answered her one sided questions honestly, or tried to help there would not be this disrespect that I'm getting. The fact that I am struggling and going at a slow pace gaining these things that a functional adult does, I get far less respect. When I am a functional adult, I will laugh at them for the fact that they were a awful person to me(+ anyone else struggling bad with Autism and moving on with life) and were wrong.

What they have done is very wrong and I want them to know this. I hope they read this because it is the complete truth. You have mistreated a disabled person with Autism, amongst other various issues that was supposed to be your friend. I hope you feel good about it, and I think you may, you can seem so up your own butt sometimes that you're practically bending down, sniffing at your own farts.

In all of my time living on this earth I have never once tried to hurt a unfortunate or disabled person in any way. To purposely hurt someone less fortunate than you hints who you are.

No matter what, I am in the wrong and will be subject to her "Revenge tactics" IE, lashing outl, saying I can't do certain things, or telling me my obvious faults and saying I have no excuses and they have no hope for me. If there are no excuses for me, then there are definitely none for them. If they are to continue on acting in ways they have been lately, I wouldn't doubt there is not much hope for them either in regards to getting good friends or moving on from her R/S.

If you are smart you will let the man you once loved go and quit letting him guide you into being a bad person. You may think this is all his fault for leading you on but it takes two to tango as they say. You cannot let go though. It is clear that the tension you've gone through has changed you as a person, and learning anything about that person's proposed disability or the individual you don't like will effect your relations with some people.. I and all other Autistic people may not be saints like you once believed, but neither are you, and I'm seeing this right now. It's all so clear. You are seeming ugly to me now. It makes me sad.

I don't know if I will be posting here anymore on this thread. I'm pretty much done with this person, my care nearly dried up for this person. These past days where I have been thinking a lot and speaking to a few helpful people has been very helpful to me in figuring out who I am and who they really are. I am comfortable knowing that I never once lashed out, never tried to be an awful person, never pushed my beliefs onto them, and was always there to help and talk. My ex friend is going to have to live with the fact that what they've done was wrong, or they will just keep going on in life thinking they were right. Either outcome is fine with me.

Thanks everyone for posting on my thread. I really appreciated all of it. Lelia, you were right.

It's no fun saying these things. Even though I am right. I don't like to have to be this way with people. It makes me sad. but some times these thoughts are good to get out, like writing it down can be helpful, and I do feel that some of this could be helpful to the person I am typing about.
I know they will just think that I am saying it's just them and not me in this thread and I kinda have here. Just pointing things out is all. I fully recognize my issues and accept them honestly. I don't know how else to put it.