what to do?

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My aspie partner and I are probably going to break up. At one time we thought we were going to stay together forever, but alot has changed over the past year and a half.

For one thing, I had a miscarriage. It would have been his first child. I miscarried at five months. We had a funeral, and it all seemed a bit unreal at the time. He named her Blossom. That was the only gesture of true empathy and caring that I saw from my aspie partner. The miscarriage seemed to disappear from his memory very quickly. For myself, also an aspie, the sadness hasn't gone away. I feel angry at my partner for not showing more empathy, for not showing any tears, and for being unwilling to go out with me to shop for an urn for her ashes. It's as if she never happened in his mind, he's just wiped her out and that's how he's dealt with it. And when I cry about it once in awhile, he acts as if I'm not even in the room. He just completely ignores my sadness as though it didn't exist, and I end up feeling as if I am being erased.

The other terrible thing that has happened to us is that my eldest child was molested by a pedophile who was a con artist who robbed my family several years ago. My child did not disclose until over a year after the molestation. We filed a complaint with the police after my child's disclosure. We then waited over a year and a half for the courts to decide whether or not to approve charges against this pedophile. The other day we were called into speak to the Crown Counsel's office and told that no charges against this pedophile would be approved because the Crown decided there was not enough evidence. This was very hurtful, and in the midst of this all, once again, my aspie partner failed to show the slightest bit of empathy.

To him, there are no emotional nuances. He doesn't seem to know when to give a hug or say a few empathic words. He has this hurtful mannerism of grinning through everything. I am aspie myself and I am not overly sentimental myself. I see no point in sending Hallmark cards or making empathic remarks just because we are "supposed" to express such emotion. But good god, there is a huge difference between being overly emotional and being coldhearted. And lately I have come to the conclusion that my aspie partner is coldhearted.

In the past, when things were not so difficult, I could see that he cared because he often did the housework, would bake bread, or other things that seemed to express caring. But now, after the past year and half, we've become strangers in the same house. He doesn't show any emotion at all. When I get angry at him for not showing any empathy or emotion he says he can't because he has Asperger's. And then he grins at me with that stupid grin.

I have packed his bags and put them by the door a few times. And it is because I can't stand living with an emotional robot anymore. It is too hurtful to go through hurtful times and have a partner who is just this big emotional blank. I don't care how many times he vacuums or bakes bread, it does not make up for human empathy.

And so if you have at all noticed that my posts have become a bit angry toward men, well this is why. I'm sorry, I can't help it. I am in quite a bit of pain right now.

I am trying to stay strong for my children. They need to see me being strong right now. But DAMN this hurts. It all hurts like hell. It really does.

Ugh. I feel sorry for your kid, being molested like that. And after reporting it to the police, you don't even get a hint of justice.

I try to be emotionally appropriate, but sometimes I do have a touch of schadenfreude. I dunno whether your husband does do that or not, but, ah whatever, I dunno enough about the situation.

Anandamide,

I am so sorry for you situation and feel for you strongly. None of the answers which are options for you are easy ones, are they? My aspie husband and I are in the process of trying to have a biological child (we are older so it would probabably be our only child). The process is cold and clinical and very stressful and emotional for me, but doesn't seem to effect him much at all. In fact, he is perfectly able to forget all about it and unless hit over the head with doc appts or the need to write a cheque, he will go for days or weeks not even mentioning it, when it's something that is always in the front of my mind. Will the process even work? Will I miscarry? Will the baby be OK? can we afford this?? All these are fairly normal questions, I'm told, but none of worries my husband. It's like an actual physical blow when I realize that he's completely forgotten some important thing about it, and he seems puzzled that I think about it so much.
My husband sees enough therapists that are in the process of teaching him how to recognize when people are expecting and indeed NEED a certain response from him, but it comes hard, and slowly. If my friends/family knew how hard this realtionship is to sustain, I know what they would all tell me. I suppose at this point in time, it's just not what I want to hear.

TAD

yeah i find aspie males dont get things like pregnancy and miscariages and emotions..thing slike broken bones and ampurtations they will wince at this...because they are overtly visible what your describing wwhile seriosu iissues for anyone are hidden to him and to me.
unless they are pointed out to me, they dont exist.
i dont care how real they are to you.

Reminds me one day my sister said her best friend was getting a divorce from
a person she meet through me. I just laughed. My sister said "how is that funny?"
i told her its not funny and that I'm just fu<ked up. I think not showing empathy
and not having it are two differnet things. On online test I test INFP but people
who know me might just say I was INTP. I do have strong empathy but I can not
show it in real time anyway.

I feel bad for what you're going through. I wish I had some words of wisdom that would make it all easier for you.
I do hope things start getting better for you. One thing you can look at is that your kids have a mom who truly cares for them. I can tell you do. It's hard protecting kids in this world. I tried to protect my daughter from a lot of the world's ugliness and couldn't always.
I'm sorry about the problem with your husband. I think sometimes even NT men have trouble understanding what we women go through sometimes. I can see why you feel you're not getting emotional support, and it's very hard to get through some of these things without it.
Damn, I wish there was something I could say or do to make all the bad stuff better.
Hang in there and let us know how you're doing, ok?

anandamide

I am surprised the police and courts have decided to do nothing about the paedophile. Here in Australia, there has been huge problems when various authorities have just "ignored" paedophilia. The main problem is that these nasty people tend to repeat what they do with more and more children. So it would be a simple matter for the police to find out where he is now and contact the parents of any children he might be in contact with for more evidence. I find it disgusting that they haven't done this. There might be some advocacy group that would help provide you with support for this, counselling and followup with the police. This would take the stress out of it for you and maybe help stop the nasty man from repeating his atrocities.

As for your partner - it seems like you've done your best, and if he's not prepared to make any effort to meet you half way - then I think you will have to pack his bags, put them out and change the locks. Maybe book a room for him at a local back packers or youth hostel so he has somewhere to go too - or get him a taxi back to his family.

I think Aspies are perfectly capable of modifying their behaviour to be polite. He can't use his Aspergers as an excuse to continue to be rude when you've explained that what he is doing is rude. The Aspergers problem is in the not knowing socially appropriate stuff without being told. But once told - there is no longer that excuse.

As for the coldheartedness - you know him best. You know that having Aspergers doesn't equate with being unemotional. He might find the more extreme emotions, especially in others, very uncomfortable. Perhaps that is why he makes such an effort to avoid them. But it might be better for him if he goes out of his comfort zone and shares more often instead of choosing to shut down. Sometimes being emotionally vulnerable is important and necessary. If he can't or won't understand that, then put his bags out the door and change the locks. The relief will be like taking a millstone from around your neck.

I'm sorry to hear that!

I hope things improve for you soon!

My child has been assessed as healthy and happy. The important thing is that my child told us what happened and no longer has this dark and terrifying secret that my child kept for over a year. We may not have got any justice, but my child knows that it was brave to come forward. We start counselling next week. There are a whole bunch of issues that come up when something like this happens. I think my child is going to be okay.

I am appalled, horrified, disgusted that the scumbag will now probably feel more empowered to go out and do it again to some other child.


It's possible that my partner and I have been hurting each other because we don't know where else to put our anger and hurt over these events that have happened outside our control.

My mother said that I had to come to a decision about whether to stay with my partner or not. She said that he's not going to change and show more emotion and I either accept him as he is or tell him to leave. We have a few problems to work out if we are going to stay together. I really want him to stop being so emotionally aloof and to look into my eyes and tell me how he feels about things once in awhile. My mother says only gay men do that.

donkey wrote:

Yes, I am learning that I have to very explicitly verbally spell out what is going on emotionally for him to clue in. I am finding that I even have to find a way to decipher and tell him what his emotions might be. I think he does have these emotional experiences, but he somehow he detaches himself from hurtful emotions. I think that somewhere, maybe in the institutions where his mother left him as a child and he was given coercive ABA treatment, he has learned to smile through emotional pain.




Yes, I think my partner also has empathy but somehow cannot show it very well.

It is very helpful just to hear your words of support. I was so upset yesterday. I felt myself to be on the edge, ready to go bonkers. I don't think there is any other place that I can discuss aspie issues where people know soooo much about the experience.

It is amazing how much words can help. One criminal lawyer I went to see about the pedophile told me words that helped. He said that pedophiles seek out families and try to find a way to present themselves as being helpful or offering the family an opportunity. He said that these pedophiles are often master manipulators and that even the most cautious parents often don't see what is going on until it is too late. I thought from my college textbooks that I would always be able to spot someone like this right away. I thought there would be some clue as to whether the person was a pedophile. I had never left my child alone with a male stranger before but somehow I thought it would be okay. Apparently I was in the other rooms of the house when the guy did this abuse. I have gone through alot of guilt feelings that I should have known what was happening. I have blamed my Asperger's and gone through a period where I've wondered if I did not have Asperger's would this have happened to my child? I had myself assessed afterward, and apparently I am an excellent parent, but overcautious. I was always overcautious with my children's safety. And yet somehow this scumbag got past me.

My partner has been helpful but only in a very coldly logical and detached way. He told me long ago that the scumbag would probably get off because the police and courts are useless for catching real criminals. And in the end that is exactly what has happened.

We have the same problems in Canada. Just the other day there was a newspaper story about a pedophile who had a long record and had been in jail for years. He was let out and immediately did it again. I don't know what I'm going to do about this. The past two days have been a blur. I am going to look for some advocacy group where I can try to join with other parents who have experienced the same treatment from the courts. I don't want to jeapordize the justice process, but there should be some parent group to oversee what the courts are doing (or, in this case NOT doing) in regard to these sorts of crimes.



Yes, I know that having Asperger's doesn't equate with being unemotional. It is unfair when stereotypical descriptions describe us as being unempathic and unemotional. I think that it is possible that my partner is hurt and angry but he has somehow learned to detach from his emotions. The poster above who used the word "schadenfreude" caused me to realize that my partner and I have been hurting each other because we do not know where to put our anger and hurt over these events that have occurred outside our control.

I told my partner last night, "You know what you are? You're angry. You are very angry and you're taking it out on me. That is why you treat me like there's something wrong with me when I cry and feel upset because you know it hurts me. You have no one else to take the anger out on and so you take it out on me. You say I'm miserable but you are no better than me."

I think I saw something snap inside of him. Some recognition he didn't have before.

It took me along time to come to this realization about him. The word "schadenfreude" really turned the light bulb on. Maybe we both need to learn how to express our emotions to each other. We need to develop a better capacity to read each other's emotions, even when these emotions are not spoken or explicit.

I save all my emotional energy for my children. I hug them and talk to them about issues. But it seems that when it comes to myself or my aspie partner I have a tendency to let things just be detached and not get into the emotion of our issues. He, of course, is even more detached than I am. I think there is hope for change. I'm just not sure how to go about it.

I am thankful for my children. And we all have goals and hope for the future.

That's very good!

I would think that you have a right to insist that your husband makes a real effort to modify some of his behavior toward you if he's serious about saving the relationship. Someone posted something about him needing to meet you halfway and I think it was a good observation.

Please don't ever feel guilty about what happened to your child. These people who mess with kids are indeed very good at tricking people, and it happens way too often. The fault was all his for being a monster, and if there is a hell he belongs there.

Try to be good to yourself, you've had to deal with a lot and it sounds like you are doing the best a person can do under the difficult circumstances.

I hope some good things start happening for you soon.