about to loose it I fear

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Hello all, new member but i've been following for, well about a year now really.

Well, the loneliness has finally become way too much for me. I dropped out of uni after 2 and a half years back in february because I couldn't handle going there when despite what I felt was as massive an effort as i could make to being socially accepted I felt unconnected and well, an outsider. Since then I have focused exclusively on trying to fix my loneliness, make a friend, find someone to just talk to or finally get a girlfriend and experience just a little bit of mental and physical intimacy(can't remember the last time I got just a hug really). Well not having many places to turn and being very uncomfortable in crowds of unfamiliar people, I focused on trying to befriend my uni-class m8s and trying to reestablish contact with some people from my highschool class.
Well the Uni thing was a slowly developing failure. I thought they'd be prime targets, because as a physics major I knew we atleast shared one big interest, general nerdiness. Besides, they knew me fairly well, they'd just never taken a liking to me really. So I figured, I start really going to the social events that I now had energy to attend because I didn't have school work to focus on, and just be more open, outgoing...well I can't really, i'm better at it now than when I was 16(22 now) but i'm honestly just a huge bore, can't strike up conversations. I know the basic conversation openers, i've studied them, but whether it's my intonation or my body language or whatever these simply don't actually strike up conversation. Anyway, social events are often parties and well that's always been my weak spot. Too socially dynamic, too loud, and don't mention alcohol.
Alcohol opens me up, makes me less of a bore but unfortunately also more of an ass. When you rarely speak in everyday life, not because you don't have things to say but because you can't quite, well it's hard to describe. Well Alcohol makes me talk, ALOT and it's not always cosher or appropriate what comes out my mouth. Well I knew this, so I tried participating without consuming alcohol and when I found that not to work, I started consuming a little which helped but still didn't actually make me connect with anybody. So eventually party by party i tried, until I overstepped the line and went massive ass on everyone. Now many of them have decided to boycot my existance because something I said was perceived as calling someone a slut and she threw a massive hissyfit, nvm that's not what I meant >.<. Ofc being told i'm an ass with no tact whatsoever isn't great for my already laughable confidence...FAILURE(to be fair, that was probably just the pinnacle of my ass-ishness. I always meant well, but when a guy sucks when sober you're not likely to forgive his mistakes when he's drunk, unlike how they forgive each other's mistakes)

The highschool thing was an innitial succes, 3 people took pity on me and invited me to their couple dinners as the replacement for one of the girls' now-ex boyfriend. Well fair enough, every 4-6 weeks we'd meet, share a dinner and play some trivial or bezzerwizzer. Nice and cosy, except after the first 2-3 times I simply ran out of stuff to say to them, I don't feel like i belong among them. They're my age, but I feel like a child among them. They've lived alone for years, been in long term committed relationships, traveled the world and they're socially and academically a success. I hate it, I really like them as people but it's so impossible for me to connect with them, and well besides those dinners every 4-6 weeks I don't speak with them so that doesn't do much to help with loneliness.

So here I am, having spent 4 months doing everything I felt was possible to get accepted somewhere, but for every day getting lonelier than ever. I want to make friends with people, but I appearently either bore them or piss them off. I now spent my days at my computer feeling super lonely, taking walks and reading my pathetic 54 facebook friends' exciting updates where they continously demonstrate to me what life's supposed to be like. I simply hate life at this point. I wake up and there's noone there to hug or kiss, take my phone or log on facebook and while I "know" a few people noone of them show any interest in actually talking to me, I go outside and the sun shines, there's groups of friends and couples everywhere and I can't take it.

TL;DR I'm a complete social ret*d with the social needs of an NT and a massive need for recognition and connection after 22 years of being a social outcast, and a sanity and will to live that's fading rapidly by the day >.<

Welcome to WP, Garath!

I have read your post and it resembles at least part of my own life ... and now none of us has to be alone here!

Again, welcome.

This breaks my heart because I felt exactly the same way. I don't know what to tell you except perhaps try volunteering. People who volunteer for things usually have kind and giving natures and I have often found they are more accepting of people like us. I volunteered for a Wildlife Rescue Center and for a Riding For The Disabled organization, and I found friendship and acceptance in both places.

man i felt like this before i joined a sport and started gamboling. try clubs and activities.

I can relate to failing socially. You have no reason to be envious however, no more than they have of being envious of you. If you want to date, try dating websites--you are able to convey just about everything deep and important about yourself to a person of interest much easier. Something which is incredibly difficult for aspies usually when they are just getting to know a person.

Your post comes off as really genuine, really sincere. I think a lot of people here understand where you're coming from =/

I can also relate to what you said. Try not to be so hard on yourself, you'll meet someone with whom you can form a true friendship with it just might take some time to find that person.

Personally, I learned really early not to try to get accepted. It never worked. When I held still, though,gradually people who could see me came within reach.

Hang in there, Try not to push on it.

Well if I don't try to be accepted I'll be alone, which after trying it for 22 years I can say pretty firmly is not my thing. What's even worse is that's it has made me bitter and frustrated. I wasn't diagnosed till 2 years ago and uptill then I was told I was just a tad immature and i'd grow into this whole love and social thing, then they come and tell me i probably won't and that i'd need to work double as hard to get halfway as far as normal people with regards to the things i want to achieve socially. Well I've worked as hard as i can since then and it's getting me nowhere and i'm not sure how long I can handle the loneliness anymore. It messes with my head seeing how normals with such relative ease find love or get laid or whatever they chase after in these scenes and how truly unlikeable I must be to despite my best efforts still be chasing my first kiss at 22.

I just can't find the strength to keep fighting anymore and that leaves me with nothing to aim for in my life, because I really feel empty when i'm not around others and i'm starting to really question why i'd keep going like this