Sweetleaf wrote:
I thought maybe if I posted it here and got some opinions I might be able to get this annoying thought process out of my head. Anyways as of now I feel like in all honesty there is nothing I have to contribute to society in fact I oppose most things about our so called society. At the same time though since an early age I have been more or less taught that everyone must get a job and you know do something productive.......I feel like I am not very productive. So the problem comes in when I start thinking about suicide(just pondering or if I am actually suicidal). and I mean if I know I am going no were maybe it is the right choice as I am only draining resources for my useless existance.
It's up to you how useful or useless you feel you've been. It's not about what others choose unless you let them take the choice from you. Even if it's that little part of you that can't let go of what you were taught.
Sweetleaf wrote:
So yeah I keep having the thought that no matter what I think I am accomplishing right now, in the long run it will amount to nothing.....and then i get to thinking that is a good indicator that I should not be here, but at the same time there are things I do want to be alive for. So yeah its a confusing mindset to have.
Following my career, I won't directly save a single child, or directly protect a single innocent person from harm. But I have a choice to be miserable about that, or be jazzed that I'm learning interesting things, even if these interesting things fail to intrinsically serve society at large.
I choose to be jazzed. I choose to get a woody doing the work I do and being paid for it. If I don't celebrate my own accomplishments (privately, more-or-less), no one will.