Bugs :/

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Why is life so repulsive?

I noticed a little while ago that there are thousands of tiny maggots in the dirt of my orchids, which made me panic, afterwards, ripping my clothes off and washing my legs and arms, as I had just been handling them, and even stepped in maggot water that I accidentally had spilled, so I knew I had maggots on me that were small enough to probably be able to dig into my pores. And I just checked up about them and they apparently are something called "fungus gnats", which means that my bonsai must have been infested, as well, as it has fungus in the dirt. I guess that is why it seems to be dying, despite that I do think I am taking proper care of it. Either that or I give off bad energy, which is killing it.

I don't know if I want to keep my plants, anymore. I guess my mother can have them, when I finally end up moving to my apartment.

And I actually was doing kind of okay, for a change. Why is it that almost every time that I am doing okay, something especially bad comes along that beats down my decent mood? It's almost like I am supposed to be unhappy - that it is my fate. And yes, bugs are that bad to me - I struggle every day not to think about that I have mites and mite larvae on me. When I saw those tiny maggots, though, it then also reminded me how I have mite larvae, similarly looking to those, all over me, in my nose, around my eyes, drowning in my eyes, drinking from my eyes, in my hair, in my ears and even inside my skin. Yes, mites actually live inside of your skin, too. I wonder how it'd affect me if I'd spray my whole apartment, when I've moved, and my whole body in mite poison, every day - do you think it'd affect my health, negatively, in any significant way? Maybe mite poison isn't even poisonous to humans? Does mite poison smell bad?

I struggle to keep my sanity, all the time... I have no happiness within me. Not even that bonsai was a good idea, to try to cheer myself up with - I should've managed to understand that it would've been sure to become infested with bugs. If I can't find true love, and can't even be a tiny bit happy, without her, then what is the point of keeping up with living, only to have it as my goal to try to remain moderately sane? Just... nothing makes me happy, anymore... and should I even be happy? Considering how disgusting organic life is, allowing for infesting bugs, everywhere you can imagine, isn't it maybe a better idea to get out of it, to a better afterlife? Maybe my true love already has killed herself, and is waiting for me to do the same?

I used to think the same as you. That biological life is disgusting, no matter how much you clean, you'll never be perfectly clean, nothing is ever perfect.

If you really think about it though - yes there are mites that live on humans. Really why are they so disgusting though? They do no harm and I've read they even are beneficial. If you think down at their level they're even quite beautiful and amazing, creatures that small. Maggots are similarly just creatures going about their lives. Humans are the same, dependent on the earth and living off of it. I know you may say that humans themselves are disgusting.

Anyway at some point I gave in to the fact that nothing was going to be as perfect as it is in my dreams and a) that makes life more interesting and b) that leaves something to want and dream about, which is necessary in life cause if we had everything we wanted there would be no point to life, would there, nothing to strive for.

I definitely do not think your one true love has already committed suicide because I think there are many people who you could love and who could love you back.

They are disgusting because they are disgusting. They actually are copulating on me, right now... feeding, crapping, dying and rotting, and spreading their sperm and other breeding products on me. Using me like I'm a huge city. I'm not sure what isn't disgusting with it.

I don't think I ever can be happy. I used to think that when I find my true love, I will forget about things of these sorts, but will I...? I'm not so sure, anymore. And I have lost almost all my savings on the share market, anyway... I can't ever work, so getting a house and a car will never happen, now, unless I win on the lottery, which I obviously won't... so she and I would have to live in the small apartment I have, then, with the smallest margins possible. That doesn't sound like how I used to imagine my future, in the past... then again, I always knew, deep down, that I didn't fit in this world... and the older I'm becoming, the clearer it's becoming. I suppose it couldn't be more clear than it is now, however.

You're right, nothing will ever be as perfect as it is in my dreams, in this imperfect world. That's why I should enter the afterlife as quickly as possible. My true love probably is waiting for me, there, already, anyway.

The two people I have loved in this life, so far, both betrayed me, and only one of them ever loved me back, I think. And it all was fake love... not true love. Everything in this world is so fake.... why am I even hoping for anything? My hope has in fact started to die, though. I'm growing less and less excited over the thought of finding my true love. But if my excitement for finding her in this life dies out, then all purpose of continuing to live dies with it... and things like bugs just remind me of how reaching a point of no hope for this life, at all, may be for the very best... that I never had a purpose in this life, after all, other than reaching the conclusion of ending it.

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You would hate to see the nasty bug that lives in my room....I tried to kill it but only stunned it and then I just decided not to bother because it seems to have no intrest in crawling on me, its got some nasty pinchers on its back end though.

But seriously if bugs bother you that much maybe you should seek professional help, you might be able to get help with not getting so stressed or anxious about it. Because there is no way to remain completely safe from them so the next best thing is to become less sensative to them.

No, I'm not infested with maggots. I meant the regular mite larvae that everyone's infested with.

I'm thinking less about the bugs, today, but I'm going to kill all those fungus gnat larvae with poison. I probably should put poison in the pot of the bonsai, too, even if I haven't even seen them, there - just to be proactive against them. I don't want to harm the plants, though... but they shouldn't be affected, with the right kind of poison.

To clear things up, I don't hate all bugs. I rarely kill spiders, for example, and I think bees and bumblebees are pretty cool. I actually was feeding a spider, some time ago. Butterflies are actually kind of nice, but if I'd get one in my mouth, that'd be very gross... especially the caterpillars would be. In Bulgaria they had a butterfly invasion, a few years ago, where they'd be getting everywhere; even in the drinking water... so all bugs have their bad sides. Then again, so do most living things. Humans maybe especially. I frequently view great amounts of humans as vermin, due to the widespread immorality of the species.

Yeah, Swedish is my first language. My English is self-taught, actually... but remembering how to pronounce some words isn't that easy, with the often random pronounciation "rules" of English. I never even finished the Swedish near-equivalent to high school, though, and can't see myself ever doing that, so that'd likely be a problem, as grades rule everything... or contacts, which I don't have, either... so it's very unlikely that I would ever be able to work... with something that wouldn't drive me nuts, that is; I could never take anything but a job that would be very fitted for me. I suppose I could find it to be pretty good to be an English teacher in a traditional Japanese high school, for example, but I don't know Japanese, and never having finished high school, myself, very likely would be seen as very negative. That's the way this crappy world works, after all...

The love I experienced, back then (and that one of the girls experienced), was fake, as it wasn't true love. If it wasn't true, then it was fake. Real love doesn't lead to one betraying the other... then it's just an illusion, waiting to crumble.

Doctors can't help me. All they'd do would be to ask of me to try some "anti-depressant" that only will make me worse, and if it doesn't do that, it'd make me gain weight, which is out of the question. And I can't even say anything about how I feel to my crappy "therapist" (that actually is the "best" one I've ever had), because according to Swedish law, if you mention about considering suicide, they are legally obliged to do something about it, which easily might be to put me in a psych ward. Apparently they prefer that you keep all your thoughts to yourself, here, than mention them to anyone. I've already almost been put in a psych ward, for unrelated, incorrect judgements, in the past, which almost certainly would've led to me having been put through the exposure of ECT and neuroleptics/"anti-psychotics", which would've ruined my life... it would've happened if I hadn't known what to say, to evade it. So yeah, I have zero confidence in the Swedish psychiatry and I actually hate my "therapist", as I know that she finds ECT and neuroleptic "medications" to be a good option, at certain times (as do most others, in those circles, around where I live). The only reason I have been going to her has been to make it look "better", for a particular something, but I don't really need to make it look "better", that much, anymore, so I haven't been seeing her, for a while, now... I'll stop seeing her entirely, when I don't need her, anymore... all I'm doing there is learning how to properly talk with people, to get my way, anyway. >_> I'm good enough at that, already. I can't ever say what I really am thinking, or have been thinking... it's just a way to teach yourself to choose your words wisely, and a way to waste money. I'd rather buy something I'd enjoy having, for my money, than waste it on that. -_-

It's kind of funny how I grew to hate bugs, so much, though.... I used to be very interested in studying bugs, when I was little. Then I heard about the existence of dust mites, though, which was what started to put an end to it, I suppose.... but at least I'm doing better, today, even if I'm nowhere near in a good mood... but I almost never am, so I suppose I'm doing kind of alright, today. Poison and a change of the soil will solve the problems with my plants, and I suppose I should frequently water with some poison, to always keep the soil sterile. I know how bad poison can be for nature, and I often get quite concerned with the situation with the bees, for example, but I don't really have any option other than seeing to that all the bugs in my plants are killed. :|


Why do you want to learn Swedish so much, purchase? Just curious.... lycka till, dock. :B But be prepared for the difficult n- and t-genus grammar rules, and the difficulty to learn how to pronounce things, without sounding incredibly formal... generally, those are the main difficulties with learning Swedish, I believe.


...Right now, I'm actually thinking a bit about getting into dekoben, which I was going to start with, months ago... so I guess I am doing okay, again... for the time being, anyway. :|

That makes sense but yeah gnat larvae and small parasitic seeming bugs are nasty I wll admit...lol I would not want them on me or even near me. Then spiders are weird I like them but I won't pick most of them up and some of them freak me out......and if it looks like it could be a brown recluse I kill it because they are poisonous, I don't really mind black widows though for some reason.


But yeah I Live in the U.S so it is a bit different maybe but know what you mean about not wanting to tell your therapist about suicidal thoughts and such if there is a chance you would be put in a psych ward.....I mean when I was in counseling I would say I had thoughts I was not planning on acting on even if I was seriously contemplating. I hear they use ECT for severe depression that does not respond to medication or other treatment, and that is what I have so I would prefer to avoid psych wards. I would like to think it would be optional, but if they think my depression is preventing me from thinking clearly I am worried they could do it without my consent. I would rather feel depressed then that.

They should all be put to death for the severe abuse that they put depressed people through. It's unacceptable in every way. If I became very rich, I'd make their lives hell, at least... hanging them out in the media - through my own media company, that is. But I never will become rich, so I guess I'll just take my hatred towards them to my grave... or however I should put it, as I know there is an afterlife.

I'm not doing okay, anymore, by the way. -_- Not really thinking about bugs, but the general crappiness of my life. I'd probably be doing better if I had candy, but I haven't had the energy to go and buy some... with "some", I mean at least half a shopping bag of it. At least I have some alcohol, though.... I'll have it later and then I'll just go to bed. If I'm lucky, a meteorite strikes my chest, while I'm sleeping.

Hi Beauty_Pact. Sorry you weren't doing so well last you posted yesterday and I hope you feel better now and I SINCERELY hope a meteorite did not strike your chest!

Honestly your English is like that of a native speaker, appropriately informal even! I am amazed by people who get that good at another language and that you taught yourself just blows my mind. I wish I could do that.

I read about dekoben a while ago and I LOVE the idea of it! I love making nice-looking tasty food of all kinds and this is justthe perfect hobby! I hope you have a lot of fun wit h it!

What you said about love that ends in betrayal not being real love and therefore fake leaves no room for a grey area, or an area where both love and lack of love coexist. Really all there is is the present. There's just layer upon layer of the present like an onion. We never live in the past of future. So there exists a present when you loved this person and they loved you back. In another present they betrayed you. I understand your idea that if they didn't have it in them to love you forever when you had mutual love that it wasn't true love, but I (maybe optimistically) like to think that the present is forever in it's own way... even if when they were with you they were secretly thinking "I don't know if I can love this person forever" they did love you then. Paradoxical like a lot of things as I understand them.

Swedish! Tack för lycka till! (I think that's probably wrong, sorry!) I have loved Swedish ever since I started going to IKEA with my family as a little kid and seeing all the product names and looking through the Swedish books they have throughout the model rooms! Also I like that it doesn't have masculine and feminine gender, and I love the look and sound of it! I will try to watch Swedish movies to get an idea of correctly informal pronunciation and I will watch out for the grammar rules you mentioned!

Again I hope you are feeling some better by now and if not I hope you feel better soon and are able to get out and get some candy or make some designer lunchbox arrangements!