Can online communities ever work?

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I've been using chatrooms since I began using the Net in 96* and the first one was always the best**. I'm not a drifter - I find a place I like and try to fit in, so I've been a Reg on 2 chatplaces before I came here. Admittedly, when I came on here I was solely looking for information, which I now have, but I hung around anyway... cos sometimes I don't have anything else to do .

The weird thing is, I find this place quite unfriendly. Now, I do understand that part of that is to do with how AS manifests in individuals and chatplaces themselves are organic institutions... But surely everyone on here has a problem? And need support with it?

Am I being too simplistic? Not to mention naive. Yet in the past 24 hours, I've found one bitter thread relating to an ideological argument which seems to have grown out of control, a thread about a suicidal kid who's disappeared, passive-aggressive comments directed towards other members and someone just called me a bigot for joining the game about the evil aspies***.

As someone who 'feels' pervading emotions, it's distressing. I have no problem with everyone expressing their individuality - life isn't all sweetness and light, after all. But I admit that it makes me nervous about coming on here, especially when people keep alluding to cliques and cyber bullying. How can that be? Especially on a site which deals with mental health issues!

Oh, I'm probably just feeling my usual Monday Malaise . I'm a bit stressed with IRL stuff, feel useless because I can't find a job, my mum told me I was fat at the weekend, and when I was cutting out pattern pieces earlier I realised that she'd also knocked my confidence about my ability to sew clothes decently. And now one cat is bullying the other, so I'm feeling their emotions too, *Sigh*.

I'm not trying to say anything world shattering here - but I am feeling stressed, and I want to interact with people who might understand why... but my social-linguistics is so bad that I can't read who is sympathetic and who is looking for a fight.

Basically, can't we all be nice and get along?
Or is that too much to ask from humans

* it was a good way to learn how it all worked!
** probably because the numbers were limited. Or maybe because it was all so new then .
*** Funny idea, funny thread . Less evil and more, meh, slightly annoying!

I certainly know what you mean. I personally tend to try to avoid conflict and saying controversial things.
However, do not forget that this is the internet, it is an internet forum, and some people probably react differently on here than they would in real life. Still, this is one of the most pleasant forums I have seen; there are plenty of unpleasant ones out there!

I don't think it's that bad, especially if you stay out of any controversial threads, or start arguing with people. You can choose your 'level', to an extent

I think sensitive people will see things as a bit too rough, insensitive people will see it as a garden picnic.

^ I think some problems can arise there as well, Moog. I get the feeling that there's a very wide range of people on here, wider than other forums, and there occurs some "clashes".
But yes, I usually stay in the more light hearted forums and topics, mainly because I don't really have much to add to the more serious ones.

Hi Arian! Oh WP is okay! I've met so many wonderful people on here who I can honestly say have changed my life forever in extremely positive ways! Yes it can get dark because of the high comorbitiy of ASDs and depression/anxiety and also because of the difficulties people with ASDs face in society but overall I think it's a lovely place! And I'd agree to stick to the lighter sections if the other stuff is dragging you down!

I tend to stick to certain communities, and usually I'll end up "slinking around", feeling as if there are those who are ready to jump all over you. It is much worse on some sites than others; Wrong Planet isn't actually all that bad, compared to some of the sites where I've poked my head out, had it ripped off, and fled, screaming.

I think some of the problems that I have do stem from my inability to understand other people, and to grasp their intentions. I've been ripped apart on mailing lists for reasons I still don't understand. So I tend to stick to sites where I feel I can at least be somewhat understood, and where I can get to know and at least somewhat understand the members. For me, Wrong Planet is one of the safer sites. I understand this may not be so for everyone. But, even here, I have my moments when I wonder if everyone is sharpening the knives behind my back... I think a lot of that is habit, from a long life where most of the time, that is what they were doing.

I think the best answer to your original question is a qualified yes. Meaning it can be done, but it is not easy, is never really "done" in the sense that a site could no more be expected to be run on auto-pilot than a bicycle, and probably requires at times some very unpleasant decisions from the top.

Anyway, first and foremost, you've got to have a staff that somehow manages to do two contradictory things. At the same time. They can't stifle legitimate discussion, no matter how heated, but at the same time they cannot allow the atmosphere of the site to take on the air of a bad Pro Wrestling (link) match, no matter if they consider one of the "participants" a friend, or not. Doesn't sound that difficult in theory, but drawing the line in practice? I'm not sure I could.

And the worst part of the above? If a site gets a reputation as being too heavy-handed with moderation, people will leave and not be replaced...and if a site gets a reputation as a venue of non-stop pointless flamewars, ummm, same result, just via a different route.

And note that I said "reputation," something that may or may not even be deserved. And if a forum doesn't get "new blood" on a regular basis, it starts shriveling up and dying. I say this because people who post regularly will sometimes drop out for reasons having nothing to do with the site or its policies, simply that something in their life causes them to move on. And if they're not replaced, pretty soon you're gonna have tumbleweeds blowing down the main street.

Second, favoritism, perceived or actual by the moderators, is one of the quickest and most efficient ways to destroy a site. Once upon a time I posted regularly at a political debate site and for some reason or caprice one of the moderators banned a few people, gave no reason, and said they would never give any reason. It was amazing how quickly the site imploded. Granted it was a site far smaller than WP, but there were still close to 700 or so posts a day, and probably 50 regular participants and at least 100 who were semi-regular. But that dropped to just about nothing, and I don't recall there being any conscious group decision. It was more like the thought "This places sucks now, I'm moving on," spontaneously popped into everyone's head. And out the door they went.

So, to sum up, the tone, attitude and actions by those at the top are first and foremost what makes a site work. Or not. And since these can all change over time, via a change in staff or simply by the same staff acting differently, a community might "work" for a while, fall on hard times, and then maybe make a comeback. Or fade away.

I could blab on at the same length about how I think community members should behave, but having read some of my past posts on WP I'd doubtless be guilty of hypocrisy of the most grotesque sort if what I had to say on this matter was compared to what I've posted in the past. I'm going to try to do better going forward...but I'm the sort who always seems to be trying and never actually achieving. And besides, (a) this mess of a post is turning into War and Peace as it is and (b) I'd be shocked if anyone wanted to read MORE of my ramblings, or indeed has actually made it this far into the post.

World's Edge - I read it . Apart from anything, I have no history with you and I thought it was interesting! I have to admit, the 'drifting away' happened with my first reg-site. Their servers went down for months and even though we all promised to return, we all just went our seperate ways. Pity really, since they were nice people, but I do wonder if it wasn't for the best - eventually a golden age of chat always ends, leaving nothing but a sour taste when people try and recreate it!

Wanderer - I admit, that's probably part of my concern. Too many times in real life have people turned on me for inexplicable reasons, and yes, it's happened online too. I'm starting to get really paranoid that I'm a horrible person . I'm not, and I know I'm not, but 90% misunderstanding by others is a hard weight to bear! It was only when I discovered I had AS that I realised I might actually not be delusional and egotistical (ridiculous idea if you know me! I'm extremely shy and quiet!), but that there may be a translation issue. It's lovely to be able to talk with people who actually know what I mean when I say that, not to mention giving me information about AS which I can digest. But I suspect that like you, I will be a slinker , popping up on random threads which interest me, rather than maintaining a public presence.

Purchase - That does seem to be the general concensus . Okay, I'll trust you!

TPP & Moog - Well, I went to bed at midnight... how late were you two up?! Anyway, I freely admit that I'm sensitive. Probably over-sensitive, actually. So I will stay with the light hearted threads, unless someone needs psychological support. I'm a great proponant of hugs .

I think I know where you are coming from. When I first arrived here I found it a bit overwhelming. There are a lot of strong personalities, and strong viewpoints, which can make some threads a bit precarious for those of us of a more sensitive disposition. I've tried to avoid a couple of the forums that are likely to lead to issues for me. I think that often people might give their opinion on something, not meaning to be hurtful, but it could be interpreted that way.

There are some wonderful people on here however. Really lovely people. So stick around and see where you fit best. It's worth it.

Agreed

We are - in most respects - just like everyone else. We have different and differing temperaments (mine can change from hour to hour). I also found this place a bit unfriendly and know exactly which threads you are referring to, but I find most places (online or real world) unfriendly.

I've always longed to be liked mainly because I never felt liked or wanted when I lived at home. I'd get into forums and be so keen to make myself known in the hope of attracting new friends that I'd end up obsessed or arguing with people whose manner deeply shocked me. I've only been here since May, but I feel much better and much more in control of myself.

I'm having one of those 'sunny' days in the midst of a depression. While the sun shines, I'll be here looking and chatting. For most of the last week or two, I've been here just watching and not wanting in any way shape or form to interact.

All I see/know of you are through your posts. All we see of anyone else is through their posts. What I write can be misconstrued. What you write might offend me. What I write might offend you. I'm learning not to take it personally. That, just like me, people's moods can change in an instant and I might be the unlucky sod who catches their ire. I don't think I'd be as upset or annoyed as I would have been before I came here.

People can be honest here and not have to hide who and what they are. That can sometimes to be painful, but I'm beginning to prefer that to the general 'real world' bullsh*t we indulge in, in an effort to blend in.

I can agree with that . In some ways, it seems more honest in here, I guess.