Frustration over being unable to commit suicide.

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Overdramtic rant below.



I've disliked myself since I was 9, and I've hated myself since I was 11. Since then, of course I've thought about suicide, but I know I can't do it. It would hurt my family too much. My little sisters are too young, they cannot deal with it. They have potential in life, and I do not want to possibly ruin that for them. But it's frustrating, I can't leave my life without it affecting my family deeply. I wish they wouldn't care, I wish they could understand that I not going to be able to make it in the world. In my young world and the real world. If it weren't for my family, I easily would already be a corpse. I lack too many things to really have a human mind, or at least a mind appropriate for my age. I lack intelligence, charm, social ability, talent in anything, empathy, sympathy, interests, personality, insight, cognition, etc. Just so many things....

I sometimes ask myself, why does no one seem interested in me, but that's a very easy question to answer at the same time....

It's just frustrating, that I'm not meant to have connections to anyone, outside my family. I'm not even meant to be able to talk, or think the way I do, it's just a miracle that I'm not low functioning autistic, like I was born to be. But I'm stuck in the in between thing, realizing I'm very different, in a bad way, but not really being able to change it.....

Story of my life

We Aspies will always have a tough row to hoe; thats just how life is. It's not easy being different. We need to play the hand we were dealt. Someone can wallow in self pity or they can do something about it. You are very fortunate to have a self awareness of Aspergers at such a young age. I did not find out I had Aspergers until I was in my 50s. Don't let others make you think you are a lesser person, you are not. By thinking like you are now, you are giving others the power to control your emotions and self image. Prove others wrong; show others you can still be successful in life no matter what.

Same here. What is life when you just get picked on everywhere you go?

You are also incredibly young. The same way you care about their potential, they care about yours. You may have much going against you, I don't know.. its impossible to really know you in such a short timespan.

I'm not saying by 16 you couldn't possibly know or not, but you should give yourself the benefit of the doubt that there is still hope for you and that... living and enduring, albeit painful sometimes is worth it--or rather.. you're worth taking a chance on yourself. Taking the chance, that your accumulated experience and perception of yourself is not quite as accurate as you think.

What is a genuine connection? Is it that i'm relating to what you're posting right now? Or is it someone else responding being empathetic enough from similar experiences to know how you're feeling right now?

I had almost no decent peer relationships and then had some just by getting a job at 21.

You do talk, you do think, your opinion is of value or no one would care or be sad if something happened.

I personally would be upset if you gave up.

Last edited by Greatsharkbite on 20 Jul 2011, 7:34 am, edited 1 time in total.

Life does get better, the older you get. I really really hated being a child, especially through teenage years. Being an adult, you will be able to run your own life and avoid situations\people\places etc.

I too would be upset if you gave up.

You are a Daughter of God, you have worth.

I felt the same way, and then I discovered a talent. I doubt that you can't do anything, you have to keep on trying, there is soemthing out there, just keep looking.

Think about it this way. Death is forever. There is no going back. You can't kill yourself and then change your mind and decide you want to live. Plus think of all that you would miss.

You can't go through with suicide because YOU have something to LIVE for ! You stated that your family loves you and you have siblings that would be devastated. That's enough to stay alive my friend. LIVE for your family. They are a gift from God.

Like others have said, Aspergers does suck at times. So does being overweight, diabetic, deaf, blind, insecure, or even left handed , We are all flawed in some way. No-one's an example of the perfect human being. We have to make the best of our condition.

Get outside and take a walk through the woods today. Let it be a vigorous hike to get your blood pumping. Feel the sun burning on your shoulders. Tonight go out and look at the stars. Let the cool night air rush into your lungs. Take in the beauty of this Earth. Know that you are young and this world is at your feet.

I can't and won't offer you any advice. I'm not you and I have no idea what your circumstances are. But I've been there. If it's any consolation, I couldn't do it either. Though, in my case, it was more to do with cowardice and a dread of pain. I hated myself right up until I was about 18. So, I've had more years of misery in my life than I've had of feeling either OK or, sometimes, very good. I can also tell you that things can change for the better in an instant. The feeling you get, when it all switches from utter sh*t to 'yes please, I'd like some more of this', is a fantastic one.

If I'd had a PC when I was 11 or 12, I think my childhood might have been a little easier. I thought I was entirely alone and some kind of devil's spawn because I knew nobody at all who was remotely like me in any way.

Here, at least you can talk with people who are more like you, or just like you, and who understand. It may not seem like much of a help, but it is.

THIS. I only had a TV when I was 12.

QFT! ^ This is very true.

While things may not be so hot now ... do give yourself time. Once you past 21 life kicks up a notch. Dont like how things are? As an adult you have the power to say F! you all and move somewhere else and start over. Its a great thing too!

I've noticed a couple of things here.

First, you say you lack intelligence. Reading your message, however, I see a very clear, concise description of how you feel, with spelling and grammar done as well I could cope hope to get from a Ph.D. much older than you. (I'm an editor by trade, so I notice stuff like that.) That suggests to me either (1) you express yourself that well regularly, which would be wonderful; or (2) you took the time to reread your message looking for things to correct or express better, which would be even better, even if someone helped you. I'd say there was a very sharp mind at work when you wrote your message. As for not having any talents, cut yourself some slack. You're still working on figuring out who you are. My wife, nearly three times your age, still jokes about not knowing what she wants to be when she grows up. It probably won't come to you tomorrow, or even all at the same time. Find—or invent—a reason have faith in yourself, though, and it will come, and you'll do as well with it as anyone can. I have faith in you.

Second, you make a point of saying that killing yourself wouldn't work because it would hurt those close to you. You're concerned about that. That's a hugely good, positive sign. If you really wanted to hurt yourself, you wouldn't care how it affected others, because you would be too wrapped up in yourself to notice them. If you had nothing good to say about anyone else, then I might worry.

Does this mean you don't have difficulties? Not at all. In fact, any counseling professional I've ever run into has treated any mention of suicide very, very seriously, and with good reason. Please find someone you trust who is knowledgable about dealing with such feelings, to talk with about what your message has stated.

If your parents or other family members aren't a good option, by which I mean they have serious problems requiring treatment themselves (which would surprise me, considering your message contained nothing of the usual teenager's "my parents are pains in the neck"), I would go to them first. I don't know your situation with your parents. Your comment of "if not for my family …," however has me guessing, that they might well be very supportive—possibly surprisingly so, from your point of view. Failing that, or in place of it if it helps you feel better, a guidance counselor at your school might be able to help, or a preacher or priest, if one is available. Many areas have crisis phone lines available, too. Talk to someone, though. Show them your original message: it says a lot. Show them this one of mine, too, if you want.

I get it.

A family friend succeeded in his suicide attempt before Christmas.

My immediate reaction was jealousy that he had the guts to go through with it and I don't (because of hurting my family).

It's actually still my reaction when I think about his suicide, although I don't currently feel like attempting it myself. But I'm sure it'll come around again. It always does. And maybe one day I'll be brave enough.

You know what would be a really good way of honoring the memory of your family friend? Don't get mired down in the idea of doing it because he did. If you do away with yourself, chances are someone, out of remorse, might start thinking about doing it himself or herself. Break the death cycle, and live.