Why do I have to suffer

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I'm sitting here watching the week of college football (football is back woo hoo!) and looking at all the fans in the in the stands, I got a bit jealous and bitter. I mean they having the best time of their like right now; going to football games with their friends, dating, going on road trips, going to concerts, and bettering their life in the future by getting a degree.

I have missed out on everything, HS included. I dropped in the 9th grade after repeating for a second time. I was in special ed anyway so I didn't think it would matter if I graduated. I missed field trips, pep rallies, dances, football, basketball games, prom.

I have little to no fond memories of my teens and childhood. My life up to to this point has been filled with nothing but humiliation, embarrassment, disappointment, loneliness, and despair.

I've really grown to hate mostly everything about myself. I really wish I was someone else, I mean who would be jealous of me at anything? Who would want to be me?

I wish I was handsome and not poor so girls/women would want me. I wish I was smart and not slow and dumb like I am now, so that I would've made it through HS in regular classes and then college, and wouldn't have missed out on all the stuff that I mentioned. I wish I wasn't boring and a had bit of charisma, so that it would be easy for me to make friends and date. I also wish I had some kind of talent or skill that's useful to the world, and then maybe I wouldn't feel so useless.


Yeah, but as I've known all too well throughout the years, none of the crap I spouted will ever come true, no matter how hard you wished or hoped.

I am and will continue to be a ugly, slow, poor, ret*d, hermit that has no friends and has never dated well into the future.

Their hasn't been any happiness for me in the pass, or in the present, why would there be any in the future?

No one can see the future. But if you stay open, things could change for you in ways you can't now imagine. Also, as someone once said to me, "Life is difficult. Suffering is optional."

Every single human in existence suffers, or has suffered, or will suffer. This is the nature of humanity, and the curse of consciousness. The only difference to be made, is how you deal with it and what you make of it.

I can comiserate. I often feel like I am pretty hopeless or otherwise useless in this world, one full of people who are doing something with their lived. I am not. and getting a college degree like I did doesn't make me any more of a use to society and certainly doesn't make me feel better about myself.

With most of what you said MR20, I am with you. I hear you. Even though I graduated from HS, I never "technically" received a diploma...my teenage years was total hell for me. Constant humiliation and teasing. No friends whatsoever to shield me a little from the teasing...but somehow, I am here today.

I decided that I am the only one who can re-make who I am into the person that I choose to be...not the person I want to be, the person I Choose to be. I used to believe that other people had the perfect lives...went out on dates, had girlfriends...were socially adept and not a social fool. I struggle through earlier therapy sessions in my life with that mindset that I could not have what I wanted because it was too difficult for me to obtain. That I was not normal...the world is for the normal people to occupy...that I am just a bystander.

Then I remembered within my sometimes perverted, one-in-a-kind mind of mine, something that I find quite important:

I realized that practically everyone wears underclothes. Someone years ago decided that it was a smart idea for them to invent the idea that they needed to wear underclothes or underwear. I realized that I was in many ways, no different from the "normal" people who I envied. They too have underwear practically all the time as well, just like me. And I realized that I can have anything and everything I want to have in my life, if I just dropped the notion that I was a victim. I have the power to direct and control my own life. The top-notch athlete who has all the pretty girls, he probably wears the same type of boxer-briefs that I do. The attractive cheerleader who gets all of the attention, probably wears the same type of underwear that other girls wear.

For me, that concept has really help me put things into balanced if sometimes improper context. We all have something in life that we are trying to work on everyday. No one is perfect. MR20, all of what you have written is in the past. There is nothing you can do to change the past. But there is a LOT that you can do to change the present and the future.