Frightened about meltdowns and my general situation

Post Reply New Topic

I'm very scared at the moment, I feel I'm falling into very destructive patterns and I don't know where it will end.

Earlier this week I had a complete meltdown. I destroyed many pictures and letters and cards, I just tore them up and threw many of my possesions in the bin. I was hitting myself around the head and somewhere in the back of my mind was a voice saying just jump out of the window, finish it off, it's pointless. This has happened a few times recently.

I am scared that I might do something stupid even though really I don't want to, when I have a meltdown I have no sense of perspective at all.

I'm feeling very overwhelmed by life, I was seeing a therapist from mental health services but that has finished now and I just feel cut off. I had made lots of progress but now I feel I'm crumbling and can't face life.

I have few friends and rarely see them and not much contact with my family.

I have just been sort of promoted at work and have a new boss, I'm finding the change extremely difficult to cope with. I have also booked a holiday to America and Canada in two weeks, I know I should be happy and looking forward to it but I am just terrifeied and think I was stupid to book it and I'm scared it will be too much to cope with.

Everything is too much and just want it to stop. I emailed the samaritans twice but got no reply.

consider not taking the trip. it sounds like you feel stressed out about it, and that time is supposed to be your VACATION. maybe try relaxing at home instead during that time.

hope you encounter something that knocks your perspective onto a different path sometime soon.

Can you make an appointment with your old therapist?

Okay, maybe in zen turnaround, view it as a success in that you were able to have a meltdown and you didn't hurt yourself? You're rationality, your good animal instincts for self-preservation, etc, were still there.

And it is brutal for social services to cut you off. It speaks poorly for health care systems and for social safety net.

Email the samaritans (UK?) a third time. Write it off as understaffing, poor organization, whatever.

Maybe look for a support group or just networking group for adults with mid to high functioning autism. And be open to helping someone who might be lower functioning (in some areas) than yourself. That might do wonders as far as making you feel like a contributor and a valued member of society.

Congratulations on your recent promotion, although it does sound like a very mixed bag. I did well as a tax preparer for H&R Block and then accepted a promotion for office manager. Well, I just don't buy into the company hierarchy and the numbers they're trying to meet. And I couldn't respect the district manager who was a guesser and a yeller and didn't know taxes, nor the bank products. (an unethical company because they don't really disclose third-party bank collection to their clients, although I did try to disclose)

You might consider the move of "family situation which requires more time" as a face saver for a step down. And maybe a lateral move to another company you more believe in. Middle management is kind of a no-man's land which has a number of negatives. Paradoxically, maybe investing less in the job. My theory of getting there (slightly) early and then leaving on time or even early. Maybe. We invest so much in jobs and we don't really get rewards.

With the trip, perhaps just continge it, telling yourself that it's okay to go and it's okay not to go.

And just talk to us here as needed.

Thank you for the feedback.

I emailed the Samaritans one more time. On their website it said they will get back to you within twelve hours but that hasn't been the case.
 
With the therapist it was like, ok you've made lots of progress, let's summarise the coping strategies and finish here.

Then lots of change happened and suddenly I'm crying all the time and not coping and having melt downs.

I actually hate being high functioning, people say oh you can do this or that but they don't realise how difficult it is or how draining and exhausting.

Are there any support groups or networks in London? (UK, not Ontario).

It's almost like that therapist had Aspie communication style! Big clunk all at once, all sending-no receiving, expecting it to work in some automatic way, etc. Of course, not just people on the spectrum communicate that way. This seems to be a conversational and intellectual cul-de-sac that a lot of people can fall into.

The therapist could have ping ponged it back and forth. He or she could have asked, I think you've made some good progress. Do you feel like you're ready for trying it on your own a while? And ask this in a real and respectful way. And realize that it is a progress, that you might not know right away. Or might want to try some stuff on your own as a medium experiment with the therapist available and on-call as a coach as it were. Or something else entirely, of your own choice.

If I as a person on the spectrum can learn this, one would think a trained therapist would also learn this! Maybe it was perfectionism. He or she felt they had done some good and wanted to bring it to a 'perfect' conclusion.

Yes, you might eventually want to get another professional, or be candid with this guy or gal, hey, I've had some changes and things aren't going so well. In the meantime, use us here. We'll do the best we can, and we have been known to help some.

(I tend to be in the 'camp' that's skeptical about mental health professionals, but there are some good ones.)

Whether it's more difficult to be so-called high functioning has been a topic of discussion from time to time. And while standing in solidarity with my lower functioning brothers and sisters, and realizing that I might only very partially understand their struggles, I tend to answer, yeah. It can be damn difficult to be 'high' functioning, not the least of which is that other people can be dismissive and that agencies and people who might be helpful can almost be self-righteous that I don't 'need' or 'deserve' help. Jerks. Almost a type of humanitarianism which is not very humanitarian at all.

And then receiving partial acceptance, that can hurt a lot.

Then the things which take enormous energy, like a phone call to a dentist or insurance company (big time). I have to puff myself up and then afterwards I rather slump. It certainly is not routine for me.

Now, mate, I'm from the states (Houston, Texas), so I don't know, but I certainly would hope London would have several good network groups. Then again, I've been disappointed that I haven't yet found anything in Houston, other than groups which seem parents only, which is fine, but I'm hoping for other groups as well.

True. The therapist I go to makes a true effort to understand though and it's been helpful going to her. Maybe you could look into finding a different therapist?

Sorry, I'm of no help on the support group front since I'm not from London/UK.

Or, continge the situation with the previous therapist. Both can be good options. This continging is a social skill I have been experimenting with.

For example, I briefly took boxing lessons in 2005, just bag work and shadow boxing, no actual sparring of giving and receiving blows. If I were to spar, very occasional, because the concerns about post-concussion syndrome and even cumulative lesser blows are largely valid. So, if I were to take lessons again, I might just say to the instructor.

'I don't want to take a bunch of blows to the head.'

If the instructor says something about headgear, I might say . . .

'Well, they've kind of found out football helmets don't really protect as much as they thought. How about just teaching me skills and shadow boxing?'

So, that wading in a second time, that politely asking a second time and even more specifically for what I want, is one of the new skills I'm experimenting with. Usually asking once is enough. But sometimes this helps, too. The person might still say no. So be it.

I don't know if I should contact the doctor again, she can't be around forever and there are limited resources, long waiting lists etc, I don't know if it will get me anywhere.

Don't you think it's got to be a combination of both social skills and political activism?

I tend to think the main order will be:
gay rights
transgender rights
Aspie / Autism Rights.
(already in progress, and hopefully other things at the same time)

And what all of these have in common is the right to be different and the right to be oneself in a way that matters.

Okay, one example for starters, if more of our institutions were multi-path rather than single-path, that seemingly small change would often make a big difference and be very helpful.

Samaritans still haven't replied. I think that sucks. They could at least email and say 'we are sorry about the delay but someone will be in touch'. But nothing at all.

Pretty sh!tty on the part of the Samaritans, whose whole express purpose is to be available when people need them.

As far as the cause, I don't know. I worked at a supposed 'prestigious' department store where the managers were not available some weekday afternoons for returns, when for some of the returns it was hardwired into the system that a manager had to sign off on it.

Might explain it, does not justify it. All in all, lousy on their part.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having a distressing time. Those meltdowns sound very unpleasant. I'm glad you didn't hurt yourself - too much, anyways.

It is a shame that your therapist moved on in a somewhat abrupt manner. While it is true that you don't necessarily see therapists forever, it didn't sound like you received enough of a wind-down with your treatment. I do think it is an idea to contact your former therapist again and explain your situation, because it sounds like it is really impacting on you.

What helps you calm down in distressing situations? Do you have any hobbies, interests, etc. that you can use to help express some of what you are feeling?

I'm not sure of what resources there are available in the UK, but I have heard that it can be difficult to obtain services there.

Sorry also about the Samaritans. I'm surprised about their lack of contact. Perhaps you can give them a call, if you don't mind the phone too much? I've found that the Samaritans are quite responsive on their phone lines, at least in my country.

Part of the problem is that I don't have a computer at the moment, playing a game often distracted me/calmed me down/allowed me to focus on my special interest and right now that isn't possible.

Okay, I think you described your job earlier as only kind of a promotion. If you’re stretched thin, if the job is a drain of energy, if it’s partial connection with people, or a lack of connection when you ‘should’ be connecting (some things in common but not others), that can sometimes be the most painful of all.

And then a small loss at the same time, like the computer, because of this temporary shortage of resources, can actually have a big effect and be a big deal. For me, I’m big into reading and sometimes if I find the right book that can be absolutely magical. And so if I’m ‘unbooked’ and there’s a lack of other things, that can sometimes end up being a surprisingly big deal. So, yes, do what steps you need to do as far as giving yourself a solid chance of getting in-home access back. And, as a parallel path(s), maybe consider adding unrelated positives at the same time. Right?

I think it would be a sea change if our institutions could accept people as medium functioning. Our institutions seem to need to classify a person as either high-functioning or low-functioning. And that is very interesting.

And I can almost hear it now, Well, what help would the person then need?

Well, why don’t we ask the person!

I am high functioning in terms of school skills, in terms of political activism, in terms of a job when I have it (although I tend to take it overly seriously). I am considerably lower functioning in terms of handling routine nuissances with a bank or insurance company, handling social rejection or shabby treatment, and I suppose in terms of the medium overtures and the medium steps in finding and building social connections. I tend to have an A game and then my energy slumps to a C game. I am trying to develop more easy B game skills.

(Even the seemingly most 'normal' business person with great social skills, this person is not on an island selling computers or cars to fishes. This person depends on a number of other people for a variety of things. It's just that this interdependence is much more socially accepted.)

So, yes, I would like a variety of official help to be available. More importantly, I would like us to be just a more open society about human differences.

I also think in terms of political activism in terms of organizations by, for, and with people on the spectrum, where the majority of people are medium functioning. And those of us who are high functioning are more in the role of coaches or elder statesmen. And sometimes we’ll lose votes and that’s okay. It’s medium step, see feedback, another medium step. And a mistake can be okay because it gives information, and sometimes even a “mistake” can be good.

Now, this can’t be self-imposed obligation. That’s dry as dust. If a person isn’t interested in political activism, so be it. What I have in mind is a person dipping their toes into it and seeing how they like it. Okay, as one example, for three and a half years I lived in a town with 40,000 people. Two years into it I started attending city council meetings. Very impressive. The first meeting was about anti-smoking legislation in private clubs (I kind of sided with the smokers and thought it was being pushed through too much!) But I’d go every two weeks. I’d look forward to it. It was better than an episode of “West Wing”! Well, I like politics. I realize it’s not everyone’s cup of tea. And I spoke every couple of months, I did not want to overdo it, I held myself back and that part was kind of good, too. And actually, over time, I decided that these city councilors were generally more impressive than the members of Congress I saw on C-Span. Maybe there's something where the higher someone moves in a political hierarchical, the more they tend to become a conformist and pretender.

I really like the idea of rapid cycle feedback, and even if murky or certain, that good healthy ping ponging back and forth, and one can, at times, move the world.