I'm tired of feeling second best. I struggle everyday with remedial task that anybody should be able to do. I always forget what i am doing and why i am doing it. The other day I planned to walk out to my car to check on something and ended in my garage smoking a cigarette. This is crazy.
I was never like this at all. I was usually very focused on what I was doing and aware of what I was doing. I can remember it taking me a couple of minutes if that to plan something out. Now it can take me up to 30 minutes to plan it out. Sometimes I will forget what I'm planning and be side tracked by all the garbage I try not to forget.
I was also very good at driving, directions, knowing my city, knowing neighborhoods and sectioning the city off and to known the type of houses in the city.
When we would travel I could remember it like the back of my hand. I could think the whole trip through right after getting in the car. I could also read and remember stuff as I was reading. now i need to spend a lot of time on it. In order to get to Denver from here you would need to head north to hays, then west and you would practically run into it. I tried traveling to California over spring break to get away from life. I couldn't do it. The reality of all of this got to me and caused me to turn around. I told my dad it was because I was afraid of my car not making it. Not true.
I was able to read a map maybe like 2 times maybe more and have it down. I could do the math in my head for the amount of time it would take. I could remember the cities we were going to drive through. In Arizona we would run through flagstaff, needles, phoenix and another city I can't remember and that It would take 4 hours from needles to get to our next destination which was del mar beach. New Mexico, Temecula and Albuquerque. I knew that they were spread a certain amount of time apart. Have I subconsciously corrupted these thoughts because of what I have learned in school am I trying to recreate a it on my own? Sounds like optimism to me but it probably isn't.
I have drove from my local city to where my school is 56 times and still forget which lane I need to be in. I am f****d. I could remember the new system they were putting in california in the middle of the freeway. They also had on ramps that were in the middle of the highway, pretty nutso stuff and i think off ramps also.
Keep in mind this was all at around the age of 16-18. Granted we did the trip a couple of times. So my memory on the actual amount of times I read the map could be fuzy. But I still did it and was good. If anybody asked me do something like this now I wouldn't do it. I'm afraid to play games now with people because I know that I would be terrible at it. But at the same time I might excel. I dont really know. My brain works only periodically. Sometimes it seems like it fully shuts down on me. Right now I feel like its working at like 10% of what it should be. Usually when it is working good I can be organizing my thoughts right now I barely have any.
I also lose track of time also. i use to be very good at it.
I was talking to a guy and it made me realize how crappy my life really is. He reminded me who I use to be. I try to make myself feel better by reminding myself that I have come this far and that I know 10x more than I used to but it still doesn't cut it knowing that their are people who know 10x more than they use to and are still able to do all of the above mentioned things.
I have no idea the cause for this. Something going on in my head that I'm not aware of. I want to figure this out but it will probably lead me down another confusing road.
I didn't keep track of everything I was writing so it might be disorganized.
I want to figure this out on my own. This is only a vent. If you wish to comment then thats fine. I'm just tired of this and feel like I put a lot of pressure on my self to be who I use to be and be who I am today. I don't want to give up and hope to think that i won't but who knows.
Also I feel like my credibility has bent swept from underneath my feet. When I use to hangout with friends they would make up some BS reason for what I said.
I also feel like I have turned into them now. Have i thought about them so much I am now them? Brainless idiots who had nothing to do then talk s**t on other people.
When I was heavily into playing xbox games and playing games in general I could watch the commercials and notice which games would be on xbox and which games would be on pc or ps2. Also know the prices at walmart too. I can barely even watch tv now. I watch it but I'm not really watching it. (damage to my orbital/ visual cortex, AS trait?) Wtf? I also don't know what to believe anymore. I sometimes don't like explaining things just because I don't understand them but at the same time I dont want to look like an idiot but I feel like a person should understand that.
Is this a shutdown? I've always had the theory that your emotions allow for better memory and sensing. I don't really have any at the moment the only ones I feel are anger and confusion.
I also went through a phase were I tried to figure out what people were thinking. So when that happened I tried thinking like them. This occurred around the age of 19 to 20. My own identity has went bell up. The only identity I feel is a nobody.
Even if I were to explain something to someone I feel like i only want to save it for a person I love not for a persons curiosity. I dont really know.
I also feel like I have more controll over my thinking than I use to. Now that I have this control i have become worse. my natural thought process or whatever you want to call it was waayyyy better.
08 Aug 2011, 8:35 am
