Don't know what to call this

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I'm not sure what to call this but it made me feel really good that I thought this but now that I have thought about it more it makes me feel idk like crap maybe even both i dont know what to think about it.

I have 160 more seasons left in my life. I honestly don't know what to think about it. I'm a little scared for myself that I thought that up. Is this normal? I'm totally freaked out that I thought that up. It makes me feel that I am quantify my life instead of living my life or something idk I have a feeling in my body I can't explain. Am i dissociating because of this?

Maybe its a panic attack? I have similar feelings towards death, it is the end. No fearing death doesn't mean life has been awesome, or that you don't have hardships that doesn't make you want everything to end, it just is a sense of self-preservation or even self-love.


I fear the end, because I know that then ends the potential to change things to better my life, or enjoy.. the very few things I actually do enjoy. When put into numbers, it can be incredibly scary how already limited and short life really is.

yeah.