This was the last straw for me, never again

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Earlier this March my husband lost his mother to cancer, and as some of you may remember from my postings we had an extremely difficult time of it.

Now we have just found out that my husband's father also has advanced cancer, and is not expected to live more than two months.

Thinking, for some reason, that it was important to inform my family of this bad news, I phoned them today. My father answered the phone.

I said to him, "I'm sorry to tell you, but David's father (my father-in-law) is dying of cancer, and isn't expected to live long, so David is going to go to California for however long it takes to help out there. We can't say when he'll be back."

I thought he might say something like "Sorry to hear that," or "My condolences," or even "Bad luck, that."

But he actually said, "That might be interesting news for you, but it's not interesting at all to me."

I felt compelled to quickly gasp some kind of rapid goodbye, and hung up on him as fast as possible. Because I suddenly got the distinct sensation that I had dialed Satan, in Hell.

I thought that maybe I ought to never dial that number again. I'm not sure how much more evil anyone can get, or why I ought to continue any sort of relationship with a hateful person like that, even if it is my own biological father.

Family is about more than being a blood relation. If I was in your position, I would strongly consider cutting off ties with that person.

I'm sorry you're going through this.

I'm really sorry to hear about your father in law. I can't imagine what that must be like for your husband and you.


Relations are sometimes just too toxic for us, to keep them in our lives. Sometimes we have to keep our distance from them for our own self-protection.


Take care.

Is there a reason your father responded this way?

I'm very sorry about your father-in-law. That was a horrible response from your dad, though.

Translation:
"I couldn't care less about you or about your life. Nothing you say matters to me, no matter how important it is."




Exactly right. His privilege to speak to me is hereby revoked, indefinitely. Any of his future comments, should he manage to have the opportunity to make any to me, will be considered merely the rantings of a lunatic and thus disregarded.

I understood what he meant but did you have a "falling out" at one point in your relationship with him that has caused him to feel this way?

It's probably true that your father-in-law's condition won't impact your father much personally but saying so is inexcusably bad behavior in an adult. In a child who hasn't been taught or grasped social rules, maybe. But an adult should be able to (and know they should) hold their tongue if the person they're speaking to is clearly upset.

At this point, there's no reason to spare his feelings. I say tell him exactly how angry you are with him and why. His response should dictate whether you cut off contact. And on the bright side, you may get an apology and not have to.

I'm really sorry to hear about your father-in-law, I've watched a couple people die of cancer and there are very few worse experiences in life.

I severed all ties with my adoptive parents 20 years ago and have never regretted it for a second. Life is difficult enough without toxic people in your life.

Expressing indifference to another person's illness is not necessarily hatred, but it does show a lack of interest or concern.

However, the two men may have some "bad blood" between them; could they feel some mutual contempt or hostility toward each other?

Just because he's your dad, it does not mean that he has to like the same people that you like.

Are you Autistic? If you are, probably you father is an undiagnosed Aspie. Has he always being like this? I think this is the kind of frank, emotionless answer you can get from an Aspie. My father has always being an ass, and now that I am learning about AS I think maybe he has some of it.

There is no excuse for such a rude reply, though. I am sorry about what is happening to your family.

The best thing I ever did was cut the toxic family members out of my life. One day, I just lost complete interest in the people who clearly had little to no interest in me and that was that. Sweet freedom.

Same. Although I feel some sadness when one of them dies without us having reconciled our differences.

I send flowers.

That's terrible. Your father seems very cold. :\

But I know how you feel kind of. My Stepfather has cancer. My condolences to you.

I am very sorry to hear about your in-laws. I'm a praying type so if you don't mind it I will be praying for your father-in-law, your husband, you and the entire family to have strength. People do overcome immense odds and I hope this is one of those times and, if it is not, I hope he passes peacefully knowing that he is loved and has lived a fulfilling life. Your husband has a tremendous character to be out there with him for an undetermined amount of time.

With the shocking issue at hand...

I would cut such a negative and destructive person out of my life.

My father-in-law was very quiet and distant when my father passed away and that was because he's extremely uncomfortable with death. He did not attend his mother's funeral the same way I did not attend my father's funeral. He expressed his sympathies out of politeness but I understood that he couldn't handle the death and hurting in my situation to be properly there. There was no maliciousness to it. If anything, he understood the pain too well to be of any comfort and knew, for his sake and mine, to back off.

However, when my father died, which I knew about from other family members who'd been keeping me updated constantly about his time in the hospital, I received an email from my brother hours after I received the news that said only, "Your dad died today. Thought you'd want to know. Matt" That was the last straw for me. I never wanted to have anything to do with him ever again. All the past ills would just increase in toxicity if I allowed the relationship to continue. I didn't even bother to tell him. I was just done. Matt who?

You have to set your own boundaries and make your decisions but, honestly, I see nothing wrong with cutting out a negative person from your life, family or not.

Toxic people are like cancerous tumors, and should be excised at the earliest opportunity.