I was driving around just now.....

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....and I don't feel that down. I feel a little depressed and alone of course, I have been alone my whole life. I feel like things make more sense now.

My whole life has just seemed like a big disconnected blur of transitional periods.

Alot more makes sense now than it ever has. I really shouldn't be beating myself anymore. I am 95% that I have AS, and that jarring difference really has had such a profound impact on my social and school life. I have always been an isolated loner, even though I always wished I could just have friends.

Even if maybe I don't actually have AS, it's besides the point because there are alot of other functional impairments that easily embody me: Love-shyness, OCD, Avoidant Personality/Social Anxiety, and probably more.

The point is i'm 100% not NT, and in fact very far from it. That is one truth that nobody could ever tell me otherwise. I have just had too many life experiences that corroborate unfortunately. There is no possible way that my life turned out this was just as a big "coincidence". I would be the biggest idiot the world has ever known if so.

Its just that I don't have a clue where to go from here. I am missing everything. I am missing "it", and "it's" really on another level. It's not just self-confidence/self-esteem, "it" can't really be described. I am not on "square 1", I feel like I am on "square 0"

It makes sense that there were crucial steps during childhood, teenage, and early adult years. I feel like I missed them all. I just couldn't face my issues growing up. I just hid everything. The worst part is neither my parents nor my siblings have any clue it seems. I really have no clue what they think my life is like. I have tried talking to my dad before, but unfortunately since when I used to get really emotional, my heart racing, and my communication breaks down, and I couldnt effectively communicate how I felt.

I really don't want to turn into a hermit. I am trying to everyday at least go to 1 place (outside of work) and walk around at least, and hopefully eventually converse with more people.

Alot of my "fake" social skills have been wearing off, and I feel like I am being a bit more myself which is good, but also bad, because I am paranoid, and depressed and nervous and I KNOW it shows in my body language, posture, and since I know that other people know, it makes it even worse for me when I am walking around and all of the sudden I feel a slight panic attack.

I am taking baby steps........whenever I have tried more than that, I have broken down, and then my relapse has been worse than what it was before.

I just hope I get somewhere in life....because it really feels like never. I really feels like I will never be with someone, or get through my depression.

Don't beat yourself up. Small steps are the best way.

Good stuff.

I use a similar saying.. except I say that i'm 99% sure I have AS when my mood is bad enough or I feel the sympoms directly impacting my life. I never say that i'm 100% sure of anything-- then I see people diagnosed with AS who seem more functional than I do.

Good practice.




I read once when I was younger that everyone wears masks. We just wear ours much deeper and it burns us out quickly. Thats my opinion anyway. Go to court? You're appropriate, respectful and dress like a business man. Go to a party? You're socialable and sometimes make small talk when you're bored senseless with the conversaion.




I struggle the same, its not too late to teach ourselves.

I have the same problem with talking about personal issues, its like my IQ drops 30 points if I feel anxious. Try writing something down in length and then talking to him about it. I don't get along with my parent, but if I did i'd want her to know asap.





Never ever look to be with anyone. Look to date, look to have friends, but looking to be with someone (be a couple) is not a good way to look at things. What you probably are missing are emotional connections. The ability to talk to a nice girl, or hanging out with friends etc.

I will say going out at least once a day is a good start, also maybe getting a job/going back to school if you haven't finished.