I don't know what is going on.

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School meetings begin next week, and after teaching in the high school for 23 years I have been moved to the middle school---talk about a job change. I am nervous.

And...I have great enthusiasm for my interests---but it is hard for me to engage in them such as working on my models. I have made some progress lately, but I am so afraid of goofing something up. I placed figures in one of my model buildings a few nights ago, woke up in the middle of the night and began worrying that I hadn't placed the figure correctly, so I removed it only to put it back the next morning the way I had it.

I am feeling melancholy for the past, but yet I have things I am looking forward to.

I have anxiety.

I am worrying about my finances.

I believe every emotion you could name I am going through right now.

I just want to go to bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. Sleep is peaceful. When I get up in the mornings (been off all summer because I am a teacher) it's hard to get engaged in anything---it just remains the same rut. I wanted to get the house all cleaned up---but I can't seem to do anymore with the house---it's too overwhelming.

I love my family dearly, but I feel I could almost benefit from a private camping trip---but yet I would miss them so much I would want them with me. Although I like my private time, I like having my family with me too.

I crave my childhood and the magic of the 1970s. But yet I wouldn't want to not have my family. Hmm, I almost wish I could exist in two times at once (the 1970s with my childhood and the present).

I must make progress on my novel, but it is so difficult for me at the moment. I have around 150 pages written so far. Why can't I finish it??? I used to write effortlessly on it, but now it's like trying to move anvils uphill.

I feel afraid of tomorrow because of the uncertainties. I wish I could live this summer over again (especially June to early July---it was a lot fun). I get so melancholy when I think back on wonderful past times. I feel lonesome now thinking about it. I just want to go to sleep.

I feel like every emotion is taking over me right now. I am happy, sad, depressed, enthused, lonely, not lonely, excited, scared, worried, full of dreams and desires, lazy, etc. all at once. I just want to rest and find peace in sleep. I am so full of each emotion that I am weary.

Sorry for ranting. It's just been that kind of day today (and to a large extent end of July and August for me). I wish I could escape for a few days back to Myrtle Beach in 1974, or perhaps our out West vacation in 1976, and be a child again---then return to the present. I wonder if there is a way to self-hypnotize oneself to relive the past??? I think I could like that. I think I need that. And if it is possible, could one program oneself to believe that memory is actually happening (and also create alternate things to happen that didn't actually happen???). I think that may be the type of vacation I need---one I could take each night.

Oh glider18 I've been feeling a lot like that lately too, and for the same time period since we are close in age. I've been going heavy into nostalgia; looking through old photo albums while listening to music that was popular at the time. I exercise my memory trying to re-live a family vacation taken in the mid-70's, seeing if I can remember every moment of it from when we first all got in the car to when we finally pulled back up to the house. I can't. There are giant gaps. But it's a fun exercise. But then I feel a sudden twang that I don't want to go back to before my husband and daughter so the nostalgia fantasy morphs into the same form it has taken with you- wishing I could be in two times at once.


I've been at the same job for as long as you (because we are about the same age) and worry, worry, worry. There is always talk about restructuring and reorganizing to consolidate in a rough economy. I'm still right where I was. But I can see how it would be unsettling to be moved about after so long in one place. It's sheer luck that it hasn't happened to me yet, given how much it has been discussed.

All this to say I know how you feel. I realize that no NT person can really know how an AS person feels. There have been lots of grumpy posts about clueless NTs who say that. But this post really struck a chord with me because I've been going through the same feelings a lot recently, right down to re-living mid-70's summer vacations.

Same here, but my own "escape" (my own term there) is into old movies rather than thinking back on my own past.

In my own case, and without having any great knowledge of all the clinical terms here, I have experienced nearly-complete burnout. I have no complaint about my life as it is, and yet it is still depressing to know all the effort I have put into it in the past only to now find myself largely alone and alienated. Like for you, Glider, it can be very difficult for me to get myself up and moving along while sometimes wondering whether there really is any point and it would seem much nicer to just sleep. The one thing that keeps me going, however, is my desire to make things nice for my wife ...

Good thing we have responsibilities to help keep us motivated, eh?!

Thank you Janissy and Leejosepho---you have truly made me feel better here. I have been doing that same thing with the old photo albums---I find a sadness (yet happiness) in looking at past memories. And as for movies---I have been into the old movies too lately---(The Birds, The Shining, Taking of Pelham 1 2 3 "from 1974", etc.) There must be something in the air lately for some of us. Both of your replies so fit what I am going through. I truly appreciate you taking the time to reply to me---it has helped knowing I am not alone in this.

I think I can relate to a lot of what you say. I have a tendency to live in the past, in my childhood in the late 70s and 80s. Although it wasn't always a happy time, I still look back and wish for something that was lost. Something about golden sunshine, and beaches, and freedom.

I also wonder if you may be depressed? Some things you say suggest that to me. The changes in your motivation for example.

Hi, Glider! Those final days before returning to teaching after a summer vacation are always an unsettled time, aren't they? After adapting to a relaxed summer routine, the prospect of busy, structured schooldays can feel a bit daunting, and the idea of escape can suddenly seem very appealing. There are timetables to sort out, lessons to prepare, meetings to attend, and the feeling of adrenaline starting to pump again, because teaching is a performance. I think it's understandable that you're feeling nervous, but I'm sure you'll soon adapt to teaching the younger students. I teach both middle school and high school-aged students (the two levels are generally combined here as "secondary school") and I (mostly) enjoy teaching both, for different reasons. The younger kids are full of energy and fun (even if they can be a bit frustrating at times ), whereas the older students offer more of an academic challenge and can be approached in a more adult way (usually!) And after 23 years in the job, you know you'll soon settle back in and life will go on as before. I hope you can make the most of your remaining vacation and return to school ready to share your knowledge and skills with your new classes. All the best! Jenny

I've been feeling the same types of emotions lately, as well.

Henbane---Yes, I think I have been a bit depressed lately. I took my wife and kids to Wright Patterson Air Force Museum today---that was fun. But I just can't get certain things out of my mind. However, I am getting myself back to work on my projects---and they are going fairly well. You mentioned beaches. A week at the beach listening to the surf sounds so wonderful now.

Jennyishere---Thank you for your words of encouragement with my new job assignment. That did help. You are right about the upcoming structured days with teaching---I believe I am dreading that this year. There is something about the freedom of not working. While I have been basically ready to go back to school the past few years, I am not this year. But I will give it my best to get back with it.

CockneyRebel---I am glad I am not alone in feeling this way. You along with some others have said they are feeling this way too. I wonder if it's just something in the air?

Looking back can cause and increase depression. I tell myself that nothing was as great as I remember it, and there will be a day I look back on my life now and wish I hadn't let my mind go to places that aren't good for me, and just a huge, self indulgent waste of time.

I too have been off all summer (a student at 54) and the lack of structure of a schedule is strange, and no one ever gets as much done as they plan on during off times.

Be easier on yourself, try not to let your mind dwell on the past, you can't go visit there anyway! Good luck in the Middle School, I bet you have a great time teaching the younger kids!

Thank you Backagain. You are right in on what you say. I will try to have a great time with the middle school students---the Title program shouldn't be too bad to work with.