It won't get better.

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Simple as that I am going to feel like crap until I die...yes I am having a self pity moment(I'll just admit it up front.) But seriously depression sucks, having difficulties with social interaction sucks, PTSD sucks, PTSD flashbacks/panic attacks suck feeling anxious most of the time sucks.

Luckily I have cannabis and music otherwise I have no idea what I would do.....but still neither of those can cure any of it, just provide relief. And I feel like as a whole all my problems especially the PTSD have just been getting worse, I feel like it is only a matter of time before someone tries to have me institutionalized or something if they find out how much worse things are getting.

Anyways I gotta go, will be back later.......just had to have a little rant.

You seriously need to get some professional help and do your best to follow good professional advice.

I say this as someone who cares what happens to you and who has had some serious depression during several periods of my life.

Yes I second what AlanTuring said. Anxiety and depression and PTSD aren't things you can pull yourself out of but professionals can help. I know how much you've been suffering and I just want you to feel good and happy Sweetleaf.

PS - It's your birthday Sweetleaf?! There is something in the random section for you then! I really hope you feel better.

Oops actually yesterday was. I am mixing up my days. Anyway! Same thing pretty much!

I just don't see what professional help is going to do.......nor can I afford it. That is one thing that kind of also causes me to steer clear of professional help. But I've tried counseling, I tried anti-depressants and that experiance made me decide I never want prescription psych meds again. I am fine with what I already have for relief so what else really is there?

And yesterday was my actual birthday but today was the celebration, and it was pretty much hell but that's alright....me and some family members went to an amusement park(we have done this every year for my birthday ever since I decided that is what I wanted). And well the first ride I went on the person sitting behind me decided to start doing very loud sudden screams like every 3 seconds and well that set things off and I just felt, anxious kind numb and detatched the rest of the time......I passed up one rollar coaster because I knew I could not deal with anymore loud screams and stuck to the not so intense rides...I am sure everyone else was enjoying themselves more than I was.

I also feel quite bad for not being able to just enjoy myself, I have always enjoyed going there......so it was rather upsetting that even that had to be ruined...If I would have known it was going to get that bad I would not have gone.

Oh I'm sorry Sweetleaf. Amusement parks like that are pretty much the worst place for someone with anxiety and PTSD but I can understand your family wanting to keep up tradition and maybe not understanding how it would affect you.

For what it's worth I had a similar experience on my birthday. The servers' voices singing happy birthday to me at the restaurant caused me to panic cause I was already under a lot of stress and I was crying the rest of the meal.

I wish you had the money for professional help because it is eventually useful once you find a good person. The first few people I saw who weren't really suited to dealing with my issues I kept seeing for a long time cause I "didn't want to be rude" but later on I saw two professionals once each and decided wait a minute, they are getting paid to help me so if they're not helping me I won't see them" and I moved on immediately and that's how I found my current therapist who helps me and my current psychiatrist who helps me. But money being an issue is a problem. I wonder if there are any studies run by universities for PTSD or depression or anxiety patients? There seem to be many that provide free therapy in the interest of investigating a disorder and they're very well-intentioned, not drug trials like pharmaceutical companies run. They might include prescription drugs but in the interest of the patient. I've found lots of stuff like this on Craigslist.

I just do not see what therapy would help....I mean talking to a counseler helps with basic things, but it never seems to really address anything......I've already tried it like 5 times.

But yeah I had no idea it was going to be that bad, I figured the fact that I enjoyed it a lot in the past would cancel out the anxiety provoking situations I guess not.

I went to 7.5 counselors we'll say, not even including two I barely saw at all, and none of it was helpful til the one I'm seeing now, Partially due to antidepressants making me more trusting and actually willing to discuss issues rather than trying to block out the therapist and not let them know my problems like previously, and partially this is a therapist who does not give up on me and my issues.

It seems like you would really need to see someone who understands severe depression/anxiety/PTSD. Maybe the college you go to has a listing of people who specialize in different things including these issues and who work with patients who don't have insurance/a lot of money to spend/etc.

Well I guess the issue with counseling is as it was explained in psychology....it's client based, basically you pay someone to give you a bit of advice and listen to what you have to say but it is usually not very effective for people with really severe issues.....it provides support for when one goes through somewhat normal phases of depression, anxiety ect but it does not do much for people like me.

I mean I don't even have the proper diagnoses yet.....I guess it would be easier if I knew where to turn to afford it, I mean it is possible I might have enough to pay for a diagnoses but what if I get someone who does not understand and decides I don't have any serious issues then that would be a waste of a significant amount of money I have that could possibly be spent on moving out, college books ect.

It is just frusterating that even the thought of seeking any sort of professional help or a diagnoses stresses me out because of my financial situation...and it is hard enough for me to tell people close to me how I feel and what is going on, so the thought of trying to do that with people I don't know and am not sure if I can trust is also quite stressful. But yeah I just feel like I don't know what to do, where to turn but I also feel like if I don't figure it out soon I am risking my sanity(or what is left of it). Then I of course get stressed out thinking about how my family will react if I were to get serious about pursuing any sort of help....they would start questioning me and crap about why I need any help, what's wrong and I cannot deal with all their worries about me on top of my own that just stresses me out and makes me feel like a burden because.......if I was not here they would not have to be affected by me not doing so well.