How to be number 1?

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Essentially I can't justify why my wants or needs outweigh any other persons, never mind more than one person.

This causes life to be more than a little tricky at times.
If in a queue and someone joins behind me, I'll leave the queue and join again later.
I avoid going out when other people are around so they don't have to look at me and so I'll usually only go out in early morning or when it's dark.
If on a bus and people want to get off and I'm in the way, I'll be joining them on getting off, regardless of how far away from where I was going I am.
Won't stop a bus unless it is already stopping or other people want to get on too.
Pedestrian crossings, again, dont want to hold up the traffic just so I can get to where I want to.
Getting help with anything, there is always someone who deserves the attention more than me.
Buying clothes, can't try them on as it would create more work for the people in the shop if I decided I didnt like the clothes so I just have to buy them and if they don't fit or I don't like them, they go in charity bin since returning them would cause more work for the shop people.
Been known to have nothing to eat for a few days at a time because of inability to say no to people asking for charity money or homeless people and giving them my last few coins.
The list is fairly extensive.

Basically, it's really impractical and makes the idea of going outside a constant struggle. Any tips on how to put yourself first?

First off, realize that you are actually helping these people keep their jobs by keeping them busy. If you didn't have these wants, they wouldn't have an income.
If everyone thought the way you do, the bus wouldn't be needed.
The bus schedule would change because nobody woiuld get on the bus.
The shop wouldn't have a customer care center.
People seldom look at someone just passing by in the street and they are usually so self conscous as well they don't even notice you.

Others are used to getting around other people on the bus, all you have to do is move forward or backward enough to let them get by. Or, sit somewhere you won't have to move, such as on the front of the bus or near the door. The bus driver is trained to stop the bus when he sees someone get up and go to the door.

As for giving your money to homeless people. I can see if it wouldn't hurt yourself, but you are important too. You can't help anyone unless you take care of yourself first.

I used to feel the way you do. Now I understand that I am an important piece of society and everybody has their quirks. Some of them are worse than mine and I know I don't mind them, so why should anyone mind me? I am a nice person.

Two tips; one conceptual and the other practical.

Conceptual:
This may surprise you; but your concept that simply taking your turn entails putting yourself first, seems grandiose to me. We all wait our turn; in a queue or in traffic, then we get to go or pay or whatever. You put yourself into some godlike super-judge position, if every time you defer your place to another; you've judged their needs as superceeding yours. From where do you derive your superpowers of judging this hierarchy of need when interacting in public? See what I mean by grandiose?

Try understanding that the vast majority of us annonymous adults you encounter in stores, on busses, in traffic, etc are capable to wait our turn and take our turn without needing someone fending for or defering to us. When you take your turn, you're not putting youself first; you're simply participating in a flow.

Practical:
Commit yourself to one particular action in which you will take your turn without deferring; one single instance of participating in the flow. What that single action is, will be your own choice and commit to doing it once tomorrow. After doing that reflect on your feelings.

I think this is where I get stuck. The argument that if everyone acted as I do then the world would stop is fine, but it's where I stand in the line up of the planets quirky population that makes me question if I am entitled to anything. The problem really is that the only person I know is me and I know all of my quirks where as I don't know anyone elses, and certainly not anyone with a greater number than mine. It's possible I'm a monumental quirky bumhole. That would certainly explain the lack of interest from the outside world in who and how I am.

In any case, a single quirk on my side has an infinitely greater importance than the seemingly quirkless person in the street. I do occasionally see beyond my own quirks but it's fleeting and usually results in me comparing the object of my attentions quirks against my own vastly greater in number quirks. I'm quirked out I thinks

MountainLaurel, I've had that thought many times before about not needing to defend people, they can do it themselves. I'm struggling to find the cut off point for when trying to be helpful is no longer helpful. If for example if there is someone in a queue behind me that only has 1 thing to pay for and I have a dozen or so, do I let them go first or do I go first as the queue dictates? Where does nice end?

You have a great sense of humor! Even if it is self-depracating.
I have found that if I watch a lot of TV, I find that my quirkiness is not so bad. There are far more others out there that have much more serious problems rather than quirks. It is a shame that you can't get outside yourself and see that this world is a beautiful place to observe. If you can forget yourself for an hour and just go outside to watch what happens in a patch of grass, you will discover a whole new world and maybe gain some perspective on your life. Don't waste it being afraid. We are all unique. Some of our uniqunesses, although intolerable to some, are endearing to others.

If an autistic lover of mine had been less concerned with his self perceived faults, we would still be together. I found his occasional lapses into immaturity not only endearing, but why I loved him. Unfortunately, he thought I would be better off without him because of them. Nothing I said would change his mind. How unfortunate is that?

I'll often left the person behind me go ahead in such a situation.

I'd do that too shrox, but then what about the next person, and the next, and what if they have 4 items? 10? 15? Where's the rule book for this stuff? I'll let people go ahead of me for just looking tired, or older, or their heavier shopping....

Just the one is fine.

The fear is of hurting other people, and because I don't really know what hurts or doesn't hurt people, I go for the extra thick super safe option with added airbags.

It's very unfortunate and something I'm guilty of doing too. It is the foundation of why I have virtually no contact with my family really. The combination of perfectionism/black and white thinking, lack of seeing things from other peoples perspective and a memory for mistakes, the result of making a mistake grows each time I make one.

If I only you could reformat a memory every few years, or at least archive all the past mistakes so they didnt pop up when all you wanted to do was get a bar of chocolate, life would be so much simpler. Alcohol helped blot out a couple of years but eventually my body couldn't keep up with it.

Please come down on the side of simply taking your own turn, for the short term. I say this because your decision making in these minor instances pile up for you to the point that it causes dysfunction and isolation in your life. For now, just take your turn in the flow. That will be new and difficult enough for you.

That won't be selfish, it'll be a brave new path to functionality for you to struggle into. I believe that every time any one of us becomes more functional, it's a net win for all.

For some, becoming more functional would entail behaving less userping to others. But that's not your struggle. Your struggle seems more on the other end of the continuum. Try transitioning toward the center of the continuum; from being so deferential that it freezes your life to a dead stop, into moving within the flow of life. For you, right now, that means; bravely take your turn.

Last edited by MountainLaurel on 26 Sep 2011, 10:44 pm, edited 1 time in total.

What if that one has a dent, the checkout person sends someone off to get another without a dent, that person slips because theyre rushing to get it having seen the guy with the arms full of items behind the person who went ahead of him, smacks their head, an ambulance comes to treat them but the ambulance crew was just about to finish for the day and one of the crew had to go see his kids first drama performance at school but now because he missed it, the kid gets upset and his lack of confidence gradually grinds him down into an empty husk of what he couldve potentially been...

more importantly, I'm still at the checkout letting more people with just 1 item go ahead.

now on a postit note on my door. Thanks

You're welcome, Bear.

Reminds me of::
http://youtu.be/qybUFnY7Y8w

I'm the same way,
I will let someone go ahead of me in the supermarket, even if they have a full shopping cart and I have but a few items. I've got no one waiting for me.

I don't think the question should be how to be number one but rather how to not be last.......imo

That would probably make more sense seeing as where the thread ended up going. Was just a continuation of a thought after reading another thread about looking after number 1. That and it was 2am here for me with a head full of caffeine



Brilliant, but now I want dominoes. Lots of dominoes. Possibly all of them.