Don't care if I live or die

Post Reply New Topic

I attempted suicide on the 14th April last year - partially the result of a bad reaction to fluvoxamine. Since then, I stopped taking any meds for my OCD, and the tendencies to kill oneself had stopped. However, I feel as if I'm not too happy to be alive - being like a slab of devon with a use-by date of 04/14/10. I am alive to fulfil my responsibilities as a citizen, as a family member, a Christian, a worker. In short, it would be very inconvenient for me to die at this time. But I wouldn't worry if it is by accident or through the hand of another. Not the slightest.

Hi I feel similar to the way you feel. I'm different to you in that I can't reach my goal of working at what I love to do. I can't connect with people. I feel what is the point when nothing is working properly. I feel like Van Gogh who was not accepted in his time.

I, too, understand your feelings. I'm not sucidal (anymore at least), but at the same time, everything seems so pointless. Like life is just one big grey blah. I'm able to function. I do my work, take my exams, play my video games, practice the piano, volunteer for charities, and see my friend, but it all seems so....blah. Nothing is really exciting or interesting. It's like I'm a robot. I have achieved so much in my life; I should feel accomplished or proud. Instead I feel blah. I have friends, but hanging out with them is blah. I'm very involved with my church, but I still feel blah. Like you said, dying would be very inconvinient, but to me, it doesn't really matter. I mean, what am I really? Just another drop in the endless ocean of souls. So different, yet all the same.

Hello Downunder. Unlike yourself, I was at the occupation that I aspired to - a computer technician. I worked very hard for ten years to get to the level of expertise I needed to be a professional. Except that wasn't enough. Having Asperger's makes me a terrible communicator, and a slave to routine. And Fluvoxamine made it several times worse. I knew that I couldn't keep on working like this, and I also felt silly, making a long and intensive career path that ultimately lead to a dead-end job. I didn't want to go back to Centrelink or be a hassle to my family, so I decided try out "pulling the pin", so to speak.

Twelve months (of therapy) later, and I now know that suicide is not an option, at least because i'm useful, and people around me would be far worse off.

I'm sick of saying I all the time on these forums; maybe I'll just replace all of the I(s) and me(s) into we and us, because this forum is for the many.

Hi White Raven, I concur with your thought about saying we, for so many of us although being different in our pursuits and abilities, there is a common thread that bonds us together. I am going to therapy as well and only today he helped me see things in a different point of view. It will take a while to sink in because this world is setup to make people like us feel unworthy. Malcolm my therapist, said that Asperger's is a special gift. We can see thing in a totally different way to other people. We can then use what we are good at and tap into a market that comes easy to us that others can't do. It was just by chance I found a mentor and friend to help me see my potential as a photographer. Where I fall down is I can't sell bananas to a monkey. I don't know how to market my product. It was then suggested that I look for someone who is learning marketing at university. We Aspies are a people with above average intelligence and we use most of it to try and live a normal life. If we direct our attention to what we do best, we can accomplish great things. When I'm behind the camera nothing else matters and so it should be because only then can one do ones best. White Raven, we need to revel in what we can do. You are a genius at communicating with computers. If there is a need in the computer industry I know you have the ability to imagine the solution in your mind and then accomplish it. I hate it too that we can't communicate with people but I am being encouraged to stand tall because of our gift that only we have and others are jealous of. It is a tall order to turn around the world's thinking, but what Malcolm encourages make sense until the next time we fall to the world's spell. I see you are an Aussie too. We are lucky to live here! I'll be back in 4 days

That is kind of how I feel.........I mean I am going to die anyways so why avoid it? I tried to get over my negative feelings and care about myself, but I really just don't. It might be a great experiance who knows......but this is not a heathy way of thinking. So if you feel it is getting out of control I suggest you get help.......I feel like it's too late for me but nothing wrong with encoraging others to get help before they reach this point.

Sweetleaf, when I was young, I felt the way you do now but without the support. I have always stumbled around looking for help. It can take a long time to find the right doctor. We now have a lot of support buddies at Wrongplanet that can come to our aid. I was just thinking that just by you answering, you have encouraged me and others by taking an interest in our welfare. Give yourself a pat on the back.

Just because life is perceived as meaningless does not mean that death has any meaning either. Think about it, why would death be more meaningful than life? It's impossible. If you feel hopeless about life ever, just know that there is no meaning in not being alive either. If you imagine there to be no meaning, there is no meaning anywhere in life or death. The only meaning to anything is given by the mind. Without you, nothing has meaning be it life or death

All it takes is one fluky incident of good fortune and you might discover your life has meaning again. I'd say hold out for that. Statistically, you get happier as you get older, so maybe the reason you have to live is coming soon

I had one fluky incident that changed my inner mental state and outer world view for the better. I wont bore you with details but it happened on the 14th April this year. Life can be really weird at times.