I feel like a bad person...

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Yesterday I did something that was kind of unusual for me. I normally never do anything even remotely bad or illegal, but yesterday while I was doing laundry I found $20 in my Mom's pants pocket. Normally when I find money in her pockets I always either give it to her or put it in the saving's jar for X-mas. But this time I decided to take the money for myself and walk down to a store where I purchased a couple of movies (most of which weren't even my absolute favorites).

My behavior kind of shocked me, I know most people wouldn't see it as a big deal because lots of teenagers take loose cash from their parents that becomes easily forgotten about, but I think I was subconciously doing this to spite my mother. I've been going through a really bad time because I found out my stepfather is a crackhead thief who has been lying to me and my Mom for years and my Mom had to divorce him and file a restraining order against him after he started hitting her and threatening to kill her. While I know what happened isn't her fault, it brought back a lot of bad memories about the horrible men she has dated and married in my childhood. I still have unresolved anger issues towards her for the way I was treated as a kid, and stealing her money was the first really mean thing I ever did to her (though to be honest she'll probably never even figure out I did it).

I can never tell her about it because I have an intense fear of being rejected by her (which is why I've strived so hard to come across as a goody two-shoes), but I do feel slightly guilty. Especially because today I found out my stepfather did a lot of financial damage to us and we're probably going to be struggling with money again. I'm not really going to "make it up to her" because I still havn't forgiven her about letting him into our lives and forcing me to grow attached to him, but I do feel guilty and I don't really know what to do. I hope this kind of thing doesn't grow into a bad habbit and turn me into a bad person.

Forget about it. Just don't do it again.

Well everyone feels resentful and acts spitefully now and then. It only corrupts you if you hold the resent inside yourself for too long. The past happened, but there's nothing to do about it now, and letting it twist you up and make you feel like this just empowers it to continue to hurt you.