Knowing my place

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I think I'm finally - on the five stages - getting to acceptance on the undrestanding of where my life is going and knowing the absolute limit of who I can be. Had a long list of situations yesterday where I embarrassed myself epically, not only on coordination but just making things socially explode.

My understanding - with AS - I will in fact be, not a man, but perhaps a quarter of a man on my best day. The other things that are clear; my interests and self-improvement attempts, no matter how hard I push them, are really masturbation. I can take martial arts forever, with my level of instinct and here-and-now cognition, I'm pretty sure it'll be worthless no matter what kind of system I learn. My work - I'm at sort of a flunky angle of my career path and, instead of gaining security in my knowledge and being able to upgrade jobs I have reason to doubt that I'll make it much of anywhere else. Music - that's even I think starting to fall down on me, somethings changing I think internally where the gold's turning to something else, could just be too much of watching dreams get shattered that I've come to really lose vision?

Regardless I can vouch - I have absolutely no right to procreate and, really in a sense, no right to be alive either. I've had the idea flicker in for the past three or four months and its getting more stable - I really need to consider taking myself out of the relationship market, entirely, really accepting that I'm a bit of a miscarriage, and keeping my problems to myself. I try to think of what it would be like for someone to be codependent with me the way things are going and the way my life is tripping my moods up and I shudder.

The funny thing is - I don't even feel any physical depression over this, its really starting to feel like common sense brass tacks; a) I come up short, b) I don't deserve the genetic achievement based rights other people have. As for what my life, or should I say my nervous system interacting with life, I need to learn how embarrass myself, slip further away in the next 40 or 50 years, sit here, take it, and like it. That's exactly what I have in store for me.

Well, you know yourself better than I do. If this is how you plan to maximize your strengths, then so be it.

Its really the end of that, as in I've probed and found the walls and immovables on all sides. I'm caged in proper. Its pretty much over in that sense, I could drive myself insane ripping hair out trying to beat my limits but I spent a whole decade doing that and found out that it didn't make me stronger, it made me even weaker and that the impediments simply don't move - practice and experience have no impact at all.

That is one way of looking at things. It is a trap and, if you settle for it, what you have said will become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Here is how I hope you will think about yourself and your situation:

You have cleared the ground of debris and find yourself surrounded by constraints that you regard as the ribs of a cage.

Those immovable constraints can also serve as anchors for a new structure.

Free of the expectations of others, tired of trying to live according to their wishes, imagine beauty and make it rise in the clearing. Build what you truly want for your own purposes in your own way.

Fuel this with your passions. If your passions are weak, indulge yourself in your loves, or your likes, or your preferences. They will grow in time and, if they do not, seek professional help to find your passions and help them to grow.

Live for yourself and the things that you love.

Something that just happened even today, as an atheist I went with a friend who was baptized down at lake Erie with his church to be properly 'born again'. Going down there, I got the impression immediately that I was surrounded by so many genetic alphas and good looking people that I saw exactly how they could get wrapped up in the illusion. At the same time, not only just respecting a close friend and being there to honor something that's doing great work in keeping him off of the liquor, I was talking to his mom about something - his pastor has 14 kids, I talked to a neighbor yesterday and he'd mentioned how white America in the past 60 years has gone down from 4.7 kids per family in their hay day to 1.7 now, whereas other groups are closer to six per family. What's happening? I told his mom what clicked with me - in our current consumerism, our 'Smiths HAVE to beat the Jones - or go do sepuku on themselves' (lol, I didn't say it that way to her), I think we're judging ourselves right out of existence. We've set the bar so high that no one is good enough for anyone, parenting has become 'How many kids can you become an absolute TV model parent for?', partly because we also still want to party but, its scary just how much of a cultural bubble we've created.

A few more options I'm thinking about: buy the Keller book on real estate investment, start researching stocks and bonds (traditionally never had the interest but I realize now I'd be insane not to at least try), and also - I'd love to think, similar to groups like the Masons, that there has to be some kind of organized philanthropic group of that level who will take atheists in. I realize, just in how it is, that to feel good about yourself or to feel like your worth anything at all, especially if you're are just alpha enough to have it between each step, that you need to give back to the community or be involved in doing good works for others in some capacity. I need to get out of myself and, having an organization and being a part of something that I believe is doing its part to make the world a better place is a big deal. My friend was talking about tithing and what it means, how he's trying to get his current fiance to believe in it more, I think of tithing now as well in terms of time - not just money.