Scared to "Be Myself" or Do Anything

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So I haven't been on this website for months and months, but now I'm finding myself coming back, possibly because I just want to talk to others and try and figure myself out a bit. This post is a bit rant-like, but it'd help a lot of anybody would just skim it and tell me whether they've ever felt the same.

Basically, ever since I entered secondary school at 11 and everything was on such a bigger scale, everything's been a bit all over the place. I was diagnosed with AS at 11 and since I've just been scared to do anything. It started before then, really, but became significant then.

My diagnosis made me feel worse at first, and I think there's still a bit of a hangover of that now. I felt as if I'd never make friends, never connect to anyone- people might be civil to me out of kindness, politeness and sympathy, but nobody would ever find me an interesting person who they'd really want to get to know. (Now these thoughts have extended to "nobody will ever find me attractive"- especially considering the fact that as a girl I've only ever been attracted to girls and it has never gone anywhere. I so desperately want people to notice and like me for who I am but I know I'll always be too scared to really show myself, and therefore most probably alone.) I felt like I was doing everything wrong: if I spoke the way that was natural to me without "dumbing down" my speech, everyone would think I was some kind of nerdy idiot. If I really tried to participate in PE I'd do something wrong and everyone would regard me as a freak. It got worse. I've only recently started eating in school again after two years of going every day without lunch because I was scared of eating in front of others. Even today, although I'm really trying to turn this around, my day is filled with thoughts of: they think you're an idiot; don't sit that way, you look stupid; don't look up; don't have your arm across the desk like that; don't walk like that; don't put your hand up; don't even bother to try and join in in the conversation however much you want to because you'll just mess it up anyway.

Yes, I'm a pessimist. I was depressed for a while but I'm technically speaking fine now- but a lot of these thoughts are still left over. I don't really talk to anyone apart from my two closest friends, and I feel as if I can't even let them know me properly, because the things I like/am interested in are stupid and not right. I'm too afraid to participate in subjects like PE or really get involved when working in groups, too afraid to talk to people, to say what I really think, to buy the clothes I really like when shopping, etc. I know that I should stop caring about other people's perceptions so much, but I've spent so much of my life feeling alone and like a freak.

I'm just terrified of being alone for the rest of my life- I want to be a worthier person so that somebody actually wants to know me, and not for reasons of sympathy or politeness. I guess I just needed to get this out because it keeps getting me down.

Can anyone else relate to this, or offer any advice?

self awareness is good but u are being too hard on yourself.. just relax and do whatever is you.. whatever is comfortable and if people dont like you because of that then are they really the kind of people you want to be your friends?? i know the age is difficult and yes you do need to make some strides to try and fit in and being self aware will help you recognize asses and change (if necessary)... i have poor posture and only until more recently have i become self aware of it its dificult now to fix ... you are among friends here and we got ur back... also im sure someone will actually come up with some good acvice for you on the subject...

Trust me I felt the same even though I was diagnosed younger but I still struggled through but it doesn't last forever.
To be honest with you... At 15 I wouldn't talk about it out of fear of what I would say. For that I applaud you.
Also you are very young and you should enjoy life... I wish I did more and if I were able to go back I'd change a lot of what I did and challenged myself at your age.