unaccepted

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I think I have come to realize that everywhere I go I will never be accepted or be liked or wanted as a friend. I do not know what it is, even if i found out i don't think it will ever change. I have changed myself multiple times to be accepted and liked and I'm still in the same place. I push my negative thoughts away with what little intellectualizing I can do. I feel that I am only at peace is when I feel like I am being accepted and liked then I realize that I really wasn't.

I am an extreme avoidant personality. I wasn't always like this but still when I wasn't I had friends but I don't think they were ever really friends. I don't know what they were. I'm freaking 22 and I feel at my age I shouldn't feel this, by this time I feel like I should be man and focus on certain things and do have friends.

I felt like I had a really close friend but I just ended up as someone who wasn't up to par. It seems like I have always been this way to people, I don't know what it is but this is just how it is. I feel like I have a great friendship to offer but my empathy skills are weak and so are my social skills. I also feel like there is that chance for rejection which is why I don't stay in relationships that the other person wants to but the other person could be in it for the wrong reason or vice versa. I sometimes don't know what to say at certain times and maybe that is where my problem lays.

I don't take interest in intelligent conversations because I feel there is still way more to figure out and my thinking isn't seeing something as bad or good. I can only see it as it happened. Sometimes I do feel like it is bad. As extreme as this sounds but for example the genocide that happened in the early 90's or mid 90's I only see as something to turn into something intellectual not necessarily as I can't believe that happened type thing or that was so wrong. I do sometimes, the thing it was sad that it happened but at the same time i intellectualize when I watch it. I feel bad for doing that.

I also don't see myself going anywhere. I plan to try to get my degree then some how slide threw life.

Damn I feel like a big p**** for typing this but whatever I needed to get this off of my shoulders.

I have strong straits of Borderline personality as well. I do a lot of idealization and devaluation, and try to put myself in other peoples shoes. and the way to resolve this is to talk about it.

I know exactly how u r feeling! I've felt this way since elementary school! I remember always saying, "nobody likes me at school! I have no friends, they all hate me!!" I am feeling the same way as u, even right this moment! I am your age too, but I'm mentally around 12! I don't wanna change for other people, just myself, and if they don't like who I am then f**k them, it's their loss and their problem!

I know how you feel I've always thought people only tolerated me because they had too.
When I was in primary school I was bullied and attacked at school no one would help me they would just say "Keep away from them then." Bit hard when they're following you and taunting you.
I tried joining clubs but all I got were people being nasty to me.
Now I just keep to myself I feel its better that way.

Well, LostUndergrad9090, I think you are accepted and liked here in WP. Tha is a start. You can also try to make some friends here, by exchanging emails or via chat. Online friends are as good as friends in real life.

yeah i think it just was a bad time of the day.

For the record, I've quite enjoyed your presence.