it's like a recurring nightmare

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i want to commit suicide but i'm too scared. i'm not really afraid of dying but i am afraid of death. as much as i want to leave this existence, i can't because this is the one i know. death is something that i have no way of understanding or returning from (of course). i don't know what to do. it's hard for me to think this through, again and again; i can't even make sense of myself right now. this has been going on with me since i was 13. i'm 18. i'm don't want to post this for fear of ridicule or worse, misunderstanding. i don't even want to talk about myself, to myself.
no one seems to take an 18-year-old seriously and i can't even begin to explain why i feel this way right now. there's just too much. i'm a confused child. i'm sorry.
i'm here because i really am friendless and i don't know what to do. i can't believe this is my first post here, i sound like an idiot. i'm sorry. i haven't said much, for having taken up so much space.
there are a lot of negative things on my mind. i mean, things in my life. i'm numb at the moment. the things going on, inside me and in my life, make death seem better. anything else would be better. i'm just so tired. suicide's not an option for me, and i don't know how to help myself. i'm here on wrongplanet for a reason, but that's complicated. the simple reason, putting aside my possible autism, is that i like your brains and trust you with my dysfunctional one. thank you if you read this. i feel kind of better, or at least distracted from my latest meltdown. thanks. sorry. i type too much. - sarah

Sarah Honey, Do your parents know how you feel? Does anyone else? You need to tell someone you trust. If you hold this inside, you will not be able to see it for what it is. Can you see the beauty that awaits you when you get past this? There will be you know. Life has a way of balancing out everything. As bad as you feel right now, you will feel an equal amount of joy if you just let it out and let it pass.
First you need to call someone. As soon as possible. Even if it is a hotline. We are not trained to help you and a lot of people on here are not capable of giving you the right answers.
If you want to private message me, I will be on tomorrow morning looking for you. It is almost midnight here and I need to get up at 5:00. But I am deeply concerned about you. Please don't let me go without hearing from you. I will be here for you through this I promise. I am a very loving mother, non-judgemental and very understanding.

Please call someone.
Cindy

I agree with Cinbad. I think that you really should tell someone that you trust. I hope that you get the support that you need to get through this.

hi. i owe a huge thanks to both of you. i had written this and gone to sleep right afterwards. this morning i feel a bit more capable of handling myself. and i wanted to delete this, if possible. i woke up thinking, what is wrong with me and why did i say all that? i always feel detached after something like this.
there aren't a lot of people in my life, just my mom and grandma. i did call my mom last night, but that was before i posted this. i didn't feel suicidal until after she had left. i'm not blaming her for that, but when i try to talk to her she doesn't understand what bothers me. a lot of it has to do with her and my family life. it's complicated.
but thank you again, everybody. i feel like a fool, though.