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10 Aug 2011, 12:27 pm
10 Aug 2011, 12:36 pm
10 Aug 2011, 12:43 pm
Robdemanc wrote:
Paracetemal will kill a person but in a very painful and slow way. You will suffer liver failure and could take many days to die.
Think back to the other times in your life you have felt like this. In my experience it doesn't last long. Maybe a few days or weeks of thinking like this then it goes. Suicide is such a drastic action that it will be the last thing a person does. I think its better to just stay in bed and ignore everyone until the thoughts go.
If you cannot bear to be alone then go to Emergency room or phone your doctor.
Think back to the other times in your life you have felt like this. In my experience it doesn't last long. Maybe a few days or weeks of thinking like this then it goes. Suicide is such a drastic action that it will be the last thing a person does. I think its better to just stay in bed and ignore everyone until the thoughts go.
If you cannot bear to be alone then go to Emergency room or phone your doctor.
Thanks for the reply.
I know that paracetamol kills in a slow and painful way. I have spent hours at several different times researching it and thinking about it and it seems kind of fitting because I deserve to die in a painful and horrible way.
Besides, it's the "surest" method I can get hold of at the moment.
The problem is nothing's ever really alright. Yes, the suicidal thoughts get less strong eventually, but for me they always seem to come back especially recently. The only way I can break out of it is by self-harm/destructive eating habits and I don't know what I'll do then. I've already made a lot of people think that I'm crazy.
I'm sorry for posting this. I'll probably delete it soon.
EDIT: I'm sorry, I'd delete this post but I can't figure out how.
Just ignore me, I'm being horribly selfish by wasting people's time when I'm a lost cause and will never be good for anything.
10 Aug 2011, 1:04 pm
If you really were a monster then you wouldnt care what other people thought odf you, and you wouldnt care if you upset other people, the truth is you care a lot about other peoples emotions. i can tell you do, somehwere deep inside of you is a soul that is caring of others, and loves everyone and the world, but its buried deep inside of you. What i would suggest doing is trying to let light enter your soul. And the best way to do that is to have fun. Do whatever it takes, rock out to your favorite song, start dancing the night away, maske a phone call to an old friend, or maybe finish that book youve never read in a long time. Just remember that you are not a monster, you are a human being forestrose. And you need to learn to love yourself for who you are. here is what i would also suggest doing to relieve stress. Find a bright room in the house with an open floor space, and if you like music then put on some headphones or turn on the stereo, lie down on the floor, and focus on each individual body part until your completely relaxed, then, think of every problem in your life, and imagine them floating into a box, and a giant key locking them away, this will clear your mind and allow you to think about all the wonderful things life has to offer, i do this when im really upset at the world. Just remember, your a human being, not a monster, and no one is perfect in life, and dont ever think for a second that you have to be perfect in order to deserve to live. because we all deserve to live, you were born werent you? then you were given the right to live life, no matter what 
i would suggest reading chicken soup for the soul books those always help me when im feeling stressed
10 Aug 2011, 2:44 pm
10 Aug 2011, 5:59 pm
11 Aug 2011, 6:28 am
11 Aug 2011, 3:19 pm
11 Aug 2011, 5:47 pm
11 Aug 2011, 7:18 pm
12 Aug 2011, 1:39 pm
12 Aug 2011, 9:09 pm
13 Aug 2011, 1:27 am
23 Aug 2011, 8:03 pm
You say we don't care. You say you'll eventually take them or die another way soon. One is untrue, one is extremely unlikely. Now, let me try something, ForestRose.
Quote:
Not fitting certain AS traits is something that I think about quite a lot and can't get off my mind, since most people here seem to fit so much more of it than I do. So my question is, do you fit all of the traits of the "typical aspie"? Or do you simply fit most of them, or consider yourself a lot different to other AS people? I myself have "outgrown" or "learned to not do" some things regarding my AS traits. For other traits, I embrace them. One would never think I have AS, as I've gotten quite used to hiding some things, even from myself.
Sometimes when I'm writing I'm quite surprised at what I've written and I wonder if that's really what I think or the way I feel about things, and what actually prompted me to write it. I start to doubt everything. I can't answer the question, "How would you feel if this happened?" or "On a scale of 1-10 how unsafe would this make you feel?" Because I don't really know at all how I feel and how it compares to other people and if it's strong enough to use a certain word for it. (Sorry, I'm rambling now) Because I don't have someone in real life to talk to, I sometimes talk to myself to work out what I feel, since merely thinking about it is too hard. Yet sometimes, I say something that I don't agree with after a second of thought - I ask myself, "Why did I say that, when I don't really believe it?" And it turns out that I can't find a true answer. The best I come up with is that "I'm too used to cliches, and have read too many things. I use the words of others too much." What I'm trying to say it, I understand how you feel. I don't know what I would feel in some cases, and I wonder if other people ever feel this way - where they doubt their very beliefs and emotions. But one of the things I doubt is my diagnosis of ASD. Although there are parts of it I do fit, and I've read about it and seen how I could relate to it, there are certain things which always make me doubt the diagnosis eg:
-When I was diagnosed, I was really angry about being there (It would take a while to explain why) and I didn't say a thing for the assesment. I went to one appointment and my parents went to several. So how could they make an accurate diagnosis without "observing" me more or talking to me? Others say that in diagnosis they had to do certain tests or talk to people, for instance. I've never been officially diagnosed, but I know I have it. Or maybe I just think I know, believe I know - because if not AS, then what else? It could only be something worse.
-I don't have a special interest. Everyone here seems to have one. My interests have all been fairly normal. I never collected abnormal objects. I had collections of dolls and crystals and postcards but those aren't all that unusual. Also, I read that many people with AS prefer non-fiction to fiction when reading and that's not true for me- when I was younger, I spent practically all of my time reading fiction. I prefer fiction over non-fiction IMMENSELY. In fact, I read fiction all the time, same as you when you were younger. I don't think I have a special interest, or at least, nothing to the extremes that I have read about. I find quantum-physics interesting, but also boring on a level. The closest thing to a 'special interest' I have is reading. And I don't think that counts, as a symptom of AS.
-I do have friends. I have close friends who I've known for a while, though I seem to be losing them because they want to be part of a bigger group and I seem to have told them too much about myself. (Or maybe this is just me, I always think that somebody dislikes me when it turns out that they actually don't.) I sometimes tell people too much about myself, and then... They disappear, or they don't want to interact with me anymore, or I think they dislike me because of what I know. I have friends, but they're... They're not close friends at all. I only see one after-school, and frankly, I can never wait long enough before leaving his house/presence.
The parts of AS that I do have are hard to explain. When I was younger I took things very literally and probably showed a lot more of AS when I think about it, but over time I think I've just learnt to do the right things. I am pretty good at hiding any differences from others, but this involves not doing a lot of things I'm afraid of doing and not participating in certain things in school, never talking to people I don't really know, avoiding being a part of a group for conversation etc. If there are situations in which I can't sit in the background or read or pretend to be busy by myself I'll try and get away and find a place where I can be by myself to panic. I tend to hate group conversations; I go with one-on-one much better, and I also used to take things very literally. Sometimes, I still do, but I usually know better through experience now.
Because I'm always tense in school I tend to get home and fall apart. I'm always tense at home, and sometimes fall apart at home because of my family. Particularly the "Head", my older brother whom I hate with a passion. He is everything I don't like about people. I find school a comfort in comparison.
When I seem to get more confident and take more on I always seem to end up crashing and distancing myself from everything. At home I spend most of my time in my room because I don't have to worry about others seeing me or judging me and I can try and gather myself. I do the same - though not the room part, because I usually get too bored when something's not actively taking up my mind. My thoughts... I reserve those for when I go to bed or while I'm in the shower. Whenever I seem to make a real decision about something and feel good about myself, it crashes and fails and I'm afraid to do it again.
I'm socially awkward but isn't it possible that that's just me failing instead of it actually being AS? I never really know what to say and so I avoid talking to people I don't know. If somebody asks me "Are you okay?" I'll usually pause and every single time I'll say "Yes, are you?" Really quickly and they'll usually either not seem to hear me or not reply or think that I said something else. Once at school somebody asked me "Do you want to do this?" and I said "Yes, I don't mind" but they thought I said "Yes, I'm okay" because I said it so quickly and laughed at me. In a group I won't say anything much at all, though I talk to people I know well. I probably strike people as very uninteresting because my response to most things is "I'm not sure," or something along those lines before trying to discreetly leave. I wish that I was invisible to everybody else so that I could just get on with whatever we had to do. Everything seems to be improvisation/group work in school and I'm one of the few who actually wishes we could just work out of textbooks alone. So just me failing and being socially awkward? No, it's AS. I'm mostly sure, since I kind of feel the same way. I'm excluded whenever we're told to pick partners for stuff, or at best I'm used as a tool because I come off as "smart". The only reason I can justify not feeling horrible when we do group work is the faint hope that my partner/group will find me good company and I might get a girlfriend.
When I was younger I was very sensitive to sounds and textures but as I've grown older that's a lot less important. I seem to dislike textures and tastes MORE as I grow up, but sounds are lessening.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I guess I have several questions. Do you think that my diagnosis is right, or do you think it doesn't sound quite right, or that it doesn't really matter? I think your diagnosis is right.
Also, how many of the AS traits do you have? Are there any that you don't fit? I seem to always focus on the ones I don't fit so there's no wonder I'm always doubting things. Razz
I don't really know. I don't know how to think about everything, to be honest. None of us do, or at least not me. Yet I try to anyways, and it's so painful at times. I feel like giving up on thinking about everything, and just going with it... But even that decision alone is hard to make.
Sometimes when I'm writing I'm quite surprised at what I've written and I wonder if that's really what I think or the way I feel about things, and what actually prompted me to write it. I start to doubt everything. I can't answer the question, "How would you feel if this happened?" or "On a scale of 1-10 how unsafe would this make you feel?" Because I don't really know at all how I feel and how it compares to other people and if it's strong enough to use a certain word for it. (Sorry, I'm rambling now) Because I don't have someone in real life to talk to, I sometimes talk to myself to work out what I feel, since merely thinking about it is too hard. Yet sometimes, I say something that I don't agree with after a second of thought - I ask myself, "Why did I say that, when I don't really believe it?" And it turns out that I can't find a true answer. The best I come up with is that "I'm too used to cliches, and have read too many things. I use the words of others too much." What I'm trying to say it, I understand how you feel. I don't know what I would feel in some cases, and I wonder if other people ever feel this way - where they doubt their very beliefs and emotions. But one of the things I doubt is my diagnosis of ASD. Although there are parts of it I do fit, and I've read about it and seen how I could relate to it, there are certain things which always make me doubt the diagnosis eg:
-When I was diagnosed, I was really angry about being there (It would take a while to explain why) and I didn't say a thing for the assesment. I went to one appointment and my parents went to several. So how could they make an accurate diagnosis without "observing" me more or talking to me? Others say that in diagnosis they had to do certain tests or talk to people, for instance. I've never been officially diagnosed, but I know I have it. Or maybe I just think I know, believe I know - because if not AS, then what else? It could only be something worse.
-I don't have a special interest. Everyone here seems to have one. My interests have all been fairly normal. I never collected abnormal objects. I had collections of dolls and crystals and postcards but those aren't all that unusual. Also, I read that many people with AS prefer non-fiction to fiction when reading and that's not true for me- when I was younger, I spent practically all of my time reading fiction. I prefer fiction over non-fiction IMMENSELY. In fact, I read fiction all the time, same as you when you were younger. I don't think I have a special interest, or at least, nothing to the extremes that I have read about. I find quantum-physics interesting, but also boring on a level. The closest thing to a 'special interest' I have is reading. And I don't think that counts, as a symptom of AS.
-I do have friends. I have close friends who I've known for a while, though I seem to be losing them because they want to be part of a bigger group and I seem to have told them too much about myself. (Or maybe this is just me, I always think that somebody dislikes me when it turns out that they actually don't.) I sometimes tell people too much about myself, and then... They disappear, or they don't want to interact with me anymore, or I think they dislike me because of what I know. I have friends, but they're... They're not close friends at all. I only see one after-school, and frankly, I can never wait long enough before leaving his house/presence.
The parts of AS that I do have are hard to explain. When I was younger I took things very literally and probably showed a lot more of AS when I think about it, but over time I think I've just learnt to do the right things. I am pretty good at hiding any differences from others, but this involves not doing a lot of things I'm afraid of doing and not participating in certain things in school, never talking to people I don't really know, avoiding being a part of a group for conversation etc. If there are situations in which I can't sit in the background or read or pretend to be busy by myself I'll try and get away and find a place where I can be by myself to panic. I tend to hate group conversations; I go with one-on-one much better, and I also used to take things very literally. Sometimes, I still do, but I usually know better through experience now.
Because I'm always tense in school I tend to get home and fall apart. I'm always tense at home, and sometimes fall apart at home because of my family. Particularly the "Head", my older brother whom I hate with a passion. He is everything I don't like about people. I find school a comfort in comparison.
When I seem to get more confident and take more on I always seem to end up crashing and distancing myself from everything. At home I spend most of my time in my room because I don't have to worry about others seeing me or judging me and I can try and gather myself. I do the same - though not the room part, because I usually get too bored when something's not actively taking up my mind. My thoughts... I reserve those for when I go to bed or while I'm in the shower. Whenever I seem to make a real decision about something and feel good about myself, it crashes and fails and I'm afraid to do it again.
I'm socially awkward but isn't it possible that that's just me failing instead of it actually being AS? I never really know what to say and so I avoid talking to people I don't know. If somebody asks me "Are you okay?" I'll usually pause and every single time I'll say "Yes, are you?" Really quickly and they'll usually either not seem to hear me or not reply or think that I said something else. Once at school somebody asked me "Do you want to do this?" and I said "Yes, I don't mind" but they thought I said "Yes, I'm okay" because I said it so quickly and laughed at me. In a group I won't say anything much at all, though I talk to people I know well. I probably strike people as very uninteresting because my response to most things is "I'm not sure," or something along those lines before trying to discreetly leave. I wish that I was invisible to everybody else so that I could just get on with whatever we had to do. Everything seems to be improvisation/group work in school and I'm one of the few who actually wishes we could just work out of textbooks alone. So just me failing and being socially awkward? No, it's AS. I'm mostly sure, since I kind of feel the same way. I'm excluded whenever we're told to pick partners for stuff, or at best I'm used as a tool because I come off as "smart". The only reason I can justify not feeling horrible when we do group work is the faint hope that my partner/group will find me good company and I might get a girlfriend.
When I was younger I was very sensitive to sounds and textures but as I've grown older that's a lot less important. I seem to dislike textures and tastes MORE as I grow up, but sounds are lessening.
I'm sorry this is so long, but I guess I have several questions. Do you think that my diagnosis is right, or do you think it doesn't sound quite right, or that it doesn't really matter? I think your diagnosis is right.
Also, how many of the AS traits do you have? Are there any that you don't fit? I seem to always focus on the ones I don't fit so there's no wonder I'm always doubting things. Razz
I don't really know. I don't know how to think about everything, to be honest. None of us do, or at least not me. Yet I try to anyways, and it's so painful at times. I feel like giving up on thinking about everything, and just going with it... But even that decision alone is hard to make.
[b]Now we know each other. Can I say we're friends? I hope so. You sound like someone I'd really like talking to, if only to moan about the discomforts of life and our peers. Now onto the next post.
Quote:
It seems that they'll always come back and build up again, even when they've almost completely gone for a little while. I have the same problem happen to me occasionally. Because of a mistake I make, or because of something I -choose- to do yet know is bad. The guilt, the shame.. It's all there.
Worthless, stupid idiot. You shouldn't speak to anyone ever again. Can't you do anything right? You don't fit in anywhere. You have no qualities. You can't do this. Don't even think about going there- they don't like you. They think you're the worst person they've ever met. Disgusting, hypocritical, arrogant arse. You aren't worth the air you breathe. No one will be effected if you die. In fact, go do it right now. There you go, imagine yourself being stabbed repeatedly, or being dunked into a vat of acid. Crucified like Jesus, except without the holy part. They hate you now because you said that - don't think it's because they can't take a joke, you're just horrible.
I never claimed to be an optimist. I generally am an optimist. It's so much harder to be one, with an anti-optimistical (Cynical?) guardian.
The worst is when things get really bad and I get scared that I'm going to lose myself again. When I can't stop thinking about pills and how I could get them and how many I could take and how I just can't cope with everything. (Don't worry though, I'm not in danger from myself right now.)
I don't have nearly as many difficulties in life as everyone else. I just can't away from all these thoughts. If I spend one day going out and trying to be optimistic I spend the next day not doing anything and not being able to motivate myself to do anything. The only time things seem to really be okay is when I'm not eating and I have been eating for a long time. The problem is, eating makes me feel guilty and absolutely horrible and brings all kinds of horrible thoughts and feelings. I don't even have an eating disorder or anything, it's just one of the messed up things about me. I feel guilty when I think my life is horrible. So many other people are so much worse. Yet I'm human, I think these thoughts. I justify it, because if I don't, I'd be a wreck. Oh wait, I'm one sometimes anyways. The only time I feel good is when I go on a walk and meet a nice person or two, and actually get to believe that society can be good - when I get back home, it all disappears. I like eating though, it distracts me from my own thoughts.
When I eat, I end up self-harming again, and I end up thinking about suicide. I've attempted several times before and I don't know what to do, to be totally honest. (But as I said it's not serious at the moment.) I've never attempted suicide. I've envisioned suicide and homicide before, but I know I'll never do it. Not because I'd leave guilty people behind, but because I have this stupid dream about being happy in the future. Also, if I end up being sentenced to hell, or if the afterlife is a horrible place all in all, I definitely don't want to rush there.
I don't know what I want out of this thread. I guess I want to ask if anybody can relate to any of this or give me any advice on what I can do and how I can try and get away from all of this without losing myself and doing something drastic. It's okay if you don't know what you want. I barely do myself. I just fulfill my basic needs with enjoyment. Eat, sleep, urinate... Okay, sleeping is interrupted by nightmares with people screaming murder and I don't find urinating particularly enjoyable, but I like to think that despite my complex thoughts, I can live a simple life.
Worthless, stupid idiot. You shouldn't speak to anyone ever again. Can't you do anything right? You don't fit in anywhere. You have no qualities. You can't do this. Don't even think about going there- they don't like you. They think you're the worst person they've ever met. Disgusting, hypocritical, arrogant arse. You aren't worth the air you breathe. No one will be effected if you die. In fact, go do it right now. There you go, imagine yourself being stabbed repeatedly, or being dunked into a vat of acid. Crucified like Jesus, except without the holy part. They hate you now because you said that - don't think it's because they can't take a joke, you're just horrible.
I never claimed to be an optimist. I generally am an optimist. It's so much harder to be one, with an anti-optimistical (Cynical?) guardian.
The worst is when things get really bad and I get scared that I'm going to lose myself again. When I can't stop thinking about pills and how I could get them and how many I could take and how I just can't cope with everything. (Don't worry though, I'm not in danger from myself right now.)
I don't have nearly as many difficulties in life as everyone else. I just can't away from all these thoughts. If I spend one day going out and trying to be optimistic I spend the next day not doing anything and not being able to motivate myself to do anything. The only time things seem to really be okay is when I'm not eating and I have been eating for a long time. The problem is, eating makes me feel guilty and absolutely horrible and brings all kinds of horrible thoughts and feelings. I don't even have an eating disorder or anything, it's just one of the messed up things about me. I feel guilty when I think my life is horrible. So many other people are so much worse. Yet I'm human, I think these thoughts. I justify it, because if I don't, I'd be a wreck. Oh wait, I'm one sometimes anyways. The only time I feel good is when I go on a walk and meet a nice person or two, and actually get to believe that society can be good - when I get back home, it all disappears. I like eating though, it distracts me from my own thoughts.
When I eat, I end up self-harming again, and I end up thinking about suicide. I've attempted several times before and I don't know what to do, to be totally honest. (But as I said it's not serious at the moment.) I've never attempted suicide. I've envisioned suicide and homicide before, but I know I'll never do it. Not because I'd leave guilty people behind, but because I have this stupid dream about being happy in the future. Also, if I end up being sentenced to hell, or if the afterlife is a horrible place all in all, I definitely don't want to rush there.
I don't know what I want out of this thread. I guess I want to ask if anybody can relate to any of this or give me any advice on what I can do and how I can try and get away from all of this without losing myself and doing something drastic. It's okay if you don't know what you want. I barely do myself. I just fulfill my basic needs with enjoyment. Eat, sleep, urinate... Okay, sleeping is interrupted by nightmares with people screaming murder and I don't find urinating particularly enjoyable, but I like to think that despite my complex thoughts, I can live a simple life.
Please, get better. Stay better. I know you can do it, because you've gotten out of this before. But to STAY better will be a challenge. Yet I, and most likely more people, would be very willing to help you do just that. I know you, I feel your concerns, and I understand them, because I've felt them before.
I can sympathize. I can empathize. And I feel bad when you feel bad, because I'm not an emotionless robot. You're not wasting ANYONE's time by posting here; In fact, the more you post here, the better place it is. I am not lying, because I fully believe it. If you ever need someone to talk to and can't find anyone in real life, please, talk to one of us. I volunteer myself, but if you're not comfortable with that, then find someone else on here.
23 Aug 2011, 10:35 pm
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