Why was I not blessed with ignornant bliss.

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So I have came to terms with the fact that I honestly believe this is a sick society.....that I live in. I finally let go of the desires to somehow live up to societies expectations, get a job like a normal person and get on with it. But I don't know what to do with this belief. I mean it makes me feel isolated because I feel like everyone even the people who are unhappy with how things are, are just going along with it like nothings wrong.....I mean I feel like asking everyone else what the hell is wrong with them. I just know I will never be able to bring myself to go along with it....its like everyones playing a sick game I don't want anything to do with so cannot play along. But I don't know how exactly else I will go about surviving.

I just don't really know how to feel, and I have been having more frequent severe anxiety attacks which do not help matters, and I can't stop thinking about how screwed up things are, the fact that no matter how I slice it I can not get around the fact I feel like things can only get worse from here. I just do not see how this is getting to me so badly its not like I just found out I think things are messed up.....I have thought that for quite some time.

I don't know where I am going with this thread, I guess I am just not enjoying all the anxiety and stress...also I as of recently am 22 and I feel like eventually my family is going to start wondering why I am not doing more with my life...which will just cause me to get rather angry and defensive. And I feel like I am too open about feeling that way about society they will start getting 'worried' and when that happens it will not go a direction I like.

I struggle with that every day of my life. What the hell is there for us in a corrupt society full of evil? But then I get to thinking - what was there for Ghandi, or Martin Luther King, or.... you get the idea. With great power comes great responsibility, am I right? And we have great power. Insight, uncommon reason, the ability to see through the chickens**t mind games. This world was built on feel-good lies told by well-meaning and ill-intentioned men alike; misperception and misunderstanding made us believe and cling to them, a desperate and necessary attempt to make the world make sense. But I feel our species is beyond all that now. Or at least, capable of moving beyond it.

How do crazies like us survive? Well I'm not entirely sure. But I've got a theory. Since we are so blessed (or cursed) with craving substance over superficial style, we're hard-wired from the start for an entirely different world. We have the capacity to be great thinkers and architects; seeing things from outside the melee let's us see the things it's enablers cannot. So what of survival? Well my plan is to go so incredibly beyond the status quo, that people will have no choice but to listen. A long shot, I know, but hey, my very existence as such is entirely against the odds. I have no choice. Put me to work doing meaningless bulls**t for some scumbag at the top for the rest of my life, and I'd go mad. And not in the awesome way. But if you do your research you'll find more and more ways to slip through the cracks. Survival isn't quite as difficult as the powers-that-be and the sheep that follow would have you believe.....

And you, you must have some area of expertise. Some part of you that excels. Use it. Use it to slip through the cracks, and burst them wide open for all to see. And soon they'll be clear enough that the disenfranchised masses and the defeated idealists (read: cynics) will follow, like grass and flowers springing up between the cracks in the pavement.

Of course this is all very much preposterous insanity. But every once in a while something comes along that's just crazy enough to work. And f**k if it isn't all I've got.

I remember a specific time when I felt either everyone else must be crazy and missing what I saw or I was crazy and missing something. I was very very depressed at this time.

I've come to see it as in-between the two though.

About your anxiety attacks, I really hope you can see a doctor about them? Possible?

I have had a lot of trouble with antidepressants I will admit but never with basic anti-anxiety medicine. That is pretty reliable with few side effects besides sleepiness. It's as reliable as Advil for general pain I've found (anti-anxiety medicine for anxiety/panic attacks).

Fact is, if you want to be independent financially, you have to be part of society in some way. Not everyone can write a novel and live off royalty checks. As stressful as dealing with the outside world is some days, I can't imagine going back to having some other person pay my rent and buy my food or otherwise have power over me.

Should weight in everything, not just financial dependence. Despite your problems, if you think you're a "good" or at least a rational person who has to suffer through this, then you should know there are other people out there who you could help.

People who might not have gotten half as far as you are, or just people who would be accepting of your point of view in general. It is definitely a compromise, even flatteringly saying that people want to go and get careers and socialize with people they'd rather do without. No wants "wants" to work, or even responsibility, its just the lesser of two evils. For the select few, there might be a time where you're able to get financial independence and not have to worry about being part of the machine or whatever. Look at it as working to get your own power and possibly pave the way to shape things differently for others.

I think going along with it like nothings wrong--in some ways is ignorance, in other ways it is a defense mechanism. Keeping so much negative when at the moment nothing can be done about it--is like a hero dealing with a villain everyday of the week, very tiring. Your thoughts can work against you and not for you in these instances if you're trying to accomplish something. Small changes might be able to be done in the future.. and maybe with enough independence, it will be enough that you are comfortable with yourself even if you aren't comfortable with the rest of the world.