I have to make a decision.

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Do I want to travel down the highway to hell, or the road to conformity.

This might be where some of my excessive stress comes from......I mean I say I want psychological help, but is that really even what I want? I am not even sure I mean wouldn't that just mean 'professionals' are trying to make me more normal so I can function the way society would like me to? So maybe I don't want their help.

Screw this society, why shoudl I feel bad and like I am a burden to it when I find it to be a sick society anyways. I should not lose any sleep over 'oh well society would like if I could suck it up and just go get a job and contribute, but I can't so I feel worthless.' If I choose the highway to hell, yes things could get worse but hey I have been living with mental problems since I was a child..........I cannot possibly feel worse than I do no matter what happens.

Main thing is I just have to become less sensative and self concious(I can and did, but when I was on anti-depressants it kind of messed that up so I have to just get back to were I was before the anti-depressants). But yeah I just don't see what there is in the world for me......so I see no reason why I should hope to be what they call a 'productive member of society.' So that is how I feel right now.......and I shall have to choose a path.

some points to ponder--

Life is nothing but a competition to be the criminal rather than the victim. Our great democracies still tend to think that a stupid man is more likely to be honest than a clever man.
[and]
The whole problem with the world is that fools and fanatics are always so certain of themselves, but wiser people so full of doubts. [bertrand russell]

It is no measure of health to be well-adjusted to a profoundly sick society. - Krishnamurti

"The minority, the ruling class at present, has the schools and press, usually the Church as well, under its thumb. This enables it to organize and sway the emotions of the masses, and make its tool of them." Albert Einstein

Not all those who wander are lost. - J.R.R. Tolkien

Tao Te Ching says: "He who knows does not speak; he who speaks does not know."

"Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous amounts of energy merely to be normal." [Albert Camus]

"There is a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part" [Mario Savo, 1964]

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid." -Albert Einstein

"Jesus has a very special love for you," she assured the Reverend Michael Van der Peet. "[But] as for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great, that I look and do not see, — Listen and do not hear — the tongue moves [in prayer] but does not speak ... — Mother Teresa to the Rev. Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979

“It’s a topsy-turvy world, Jane. And maybe the problems of two people don’t amount to a hill of beans, but this is our hill, and these are our beans.”
[Leslie Nielson in The Naked Gun]

And finally, a quote from Theodor "Dr. Seuss" Geisel -
"Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who matter don't mind, and those that mind, don't matter."

Hmm those are some very intresting points, and I pretty much agree with a lot of those.

If you get therapy and can find a suitable job, that would help you fit in with relatively little force fitting, and you would probably like having a bigger budget. I don't know where you live or what your community is like, but there really aren't that many things you MUST conform to.

Modern therapy is a whole lot of bulls**t. They aren't psychotherapists, they are psychopharmacists, eager to pidgeonhole you and give you X drug and send you on your way. And this society IS sick. But not everyone in it. With the Internet, things like this, we have the world at our fingertips. There isn't much in this world for us, because we were built for a different world - a new world.

And I have a theory, that we aspies are so disconnected from others simply because we have no need (or indeed comprehension) of arbitrary social bounds, yet those dominant base everything on them. But this means we have the capability to be so much more connected to others, cut right to the heart of the matter, instead of bluffing and conniving like the goons on MONKEYFIGHTING JERSEY SHORE (it's really hard not to swear on this... ship -_-). But I digress.

We have a gift, to be able to see the world in a whole new way. A way with perhaps less bulls**t. This realization has helped me drag myself up from depression, and fight to make a new way, where one can just go up to a stranger on the street and start talking without being labeled a freak or would-be Ted Bundy. So, I hope you don't go to the meds and feds for help. They will only seek to fit a square peg in a round hole by shearing off the corners.

Well you know, some of the most interesting people I know have no idea what they want to do with their lives (myself included ). I mean hey - life's an adventure. Who knows where it will take you? But beyond that, who's to say you have mental issues but yourself? I mean I don't know your experience but, you know, before this kind of thing was dealt with in such a clinical, medical way, a lot of modern "mental issues" were just explained as eccentric behavior. And hey - you're obviously not on the streets yelling at imaginary people. Far from it, you seem to be pretty capable of serious rational and critical thought. A skill, I might add, that many countless neurotypical people seem to lack. Let em think you're weird. It's the ones that look at quirks as what they are, and see past that into your substance that matter. So yea, to a degree the only way to survive may be to be less sensitive. Or rather, choose what to be sensitive to. I mean it takes conscious thought every time to put something aside and not let it get to you, but it gets easier with practice. There are those you can be real with. It can be damn difficult to find those people, but they're there. So take the highway to hell. It'll do you a lot better than trying to suppress and drug your feelings; they're the core of the human experience. Buy the ticket, take the ride.

If it's mainly the medication side of things you're worried about you could meet with a psychologist or counsellor instead as they aren't qualified to try and medicate you.

Well PTSD and anxiety ARE some tough beasts. Nothing first hand for me, but I know plenty of people with one or the other or both. I wouldnt trust any kind of antidepressant or anything, but anxiolytics like xanax can be pretty rad, with minimal side effects. And empathogens have been increasingly shown to be powerful in the AS/PTSD area, just for the experience of peace of mind and clarity of emotion. NOT that I would recommend drugs and insanity to anyone but, they've always worked for me. Maybe meditation. Slow and conscious work, in any case. At least with something like PTSD it's an acquired affliction, tied up in the many cobwebs of subconscious emotion and gumming up the works but ultimately, not a distinct personal trait....