A meltdown and a panic attack...

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...all within 10 minutes of each other.

I felt trapped. I felt like I was set up. I was supposed to meet with someone to see if the fact that I was not receiving child support could lower my rent. It was only supposed to be the one lady, who I am uncomfortable with anyway, but the housing manager was here as well. I do NOT like her, and I did not have any time to prepare for her being at the meeting. I almost could not go it, but I did and my daughter (who had a hard day of her own and couldn't really handle sitting in a waiting room full of strangers) did too. I showed them the paper and they looked at me like I was crazy for showing them it in the first place. and told me it made no difference. I almost lost it, because I wasted time and effort to get that paperwork that was supposed to help. I said that I had to leave, and I told my daughter to follow me. I waited by the vending machines and really tried to calm myself down. My case manager came out (this is person #3, who I do like) and asked if I was okay to come back in. I was not, but I had no choice, so I asked her if there was anywhere safe my daughter could be. They put her in a conference room by herself. She said she would be okay and she was, but could feel the tension.

After I got back in, I really don't remember the conversations except for the basics. I do remember the housing lady was talking in a very loud and firm voice, and when I nicely and calmly asked her to please lower her tone, she said: "This is just how I talk. I am not going to change it." I tried to explain that it was making me very tense and I was trying to stay in control. I don't know what was said next. It was all jibberish. Her talking hurt my ears, and she would not stop talking. I finally yelled at her to shut up. I don't remember exactly what happened except that a resolution was reached and I have to make phone calls tomorrow. All I know is I was in the middle of a melt down by that point. I made an impossible concession that basically means that for the next month, I have nothing to eat (if I do not give them a certain amount of money, they will evict me). I do remember that by the end, I felt something (rage?) building and I started ripping at my kleenex. It ended up as fine as dust when I was done with it. I felt like I was going to explode. I think I started crying. I don't remember exactly. I did end up walking out of the office holding my folder and collapsed on the floor and started hyperventilating. That was my panic attack.

You have to realize that this is a mental health facility. They are supposed to be able to handle people that are in worse shape than me. I felt like an idiot. I was trying to compose myself wit the help of my case manager talking to me, and then someone came and said they wanted to take my blood pressure. I refused. Then they wanted to go next door and get the people from the "emergency support group" to help me. I looked at them in the eye and said: "I am not suicidal. I am not going to hurt anyone. I refuse to see any of them." My reasons for refusing to see someone over there go beyond what was going on today, but I do not want to get into it.

All I know is that I was so very over stimulated and had a huge meltdown where I don't even remember the specifics... just the basics. The beginning, some middle details and the end. Then I had a full blown panic attack. I did not rage at anyone. I did not make any actions like I was going to hurt myself. They acted like I was homicidal. I just want the next two weeks to be over with. I do not know how much more I can take. I am under so very much stress and because I am a mom, I am expected to be the calm one and the foundation for everyone. It sometimes is too hard.

Wooooow these are mental health workers? This is why I have no faith in such an institution.

I wish there was a like button...