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I'm sure many of you have read the books by Genevieve Edmonds. I have been reading them too, and I am guessing it still got to be too much for her, too difficult to navigate in this NT world where the language isn't yours. She was 26, a year older than me. I have tried suicide before however obviously did not succeed. I don't want to die. I feel so trapped. I just want to escape the constant loneliness and misery for a little while. I just want to grab a few things and take off. I can't do that. I have a part-time job and three cats to take care of. So I am looking for help here.

It seems as if most of my posts have pretty much gone unnoticed. You know how people say about suicides..."why didn't they come to me, talk to me?" if only.......yeah yeah wtf ever. Because people only care like that after you've died and the chance to help or do anything is gone. But while you're still alive, if you ask for help when you seriously have no one close to you who would already know what was going on, it's awkward and you feel as if you're imposing and what are they supposed to do anyway. Screw the psych wards. Locking people up does not fix things.

I quit drinking two years ago and quit drugs four years ago. Why? For a better life. I almost wish I hadn't now, so I could've died from that and not had to see how working so hard with so much hope for something better was an absolute waste of time. I am sick and tired of being alone. I wasn't supposed to be alone anyway. I was raised apart from my twin, who, due to circumstances is not in a position or place to help me. And if I told her how much I was hurting and how much pain I was in, it would only hurt and worry her and make her feel even more helpless than she is.

I cannot keep living like this. It is not fair to ask me to. A quote I read somewhere on here...."why should someone ELSE have to endure a life of pain and suffering just so YOU don't have to deal with the unpleasantness of their death?" If suicide is really selfish (which I don't believe it is in some cases, due to the quote I just posted.....No one has any right to ask me to stay healthy or not relapse or not kill myself if they are not a willing and meaningful participant in my LIFE. The unintentional isolation that comes with Aspergers would make ANY NT feel the same way. We are hard-wired for human companionship.

I made a comment in passing on my facebook page and one of my facebook friends replied that I should take comfort in my cats. That is so degrading and patronizing. yes he has animals, but also a wife and alot more going for him due in part to his much more extensive social abilities. He has friends and goes out and does things with them. Not to say that NT's don't have their own problems, but that is not what this is about. I said I missed drinking on my facebook, and another girl said don't, it's not worth it, I don't know why you would want to go back, I sure don't." Yes, you have two kids and another on the way and an awesome fiance that I knew in school-he's a really nice guy and she is really lucky. The common denominator here is PEOPLE. And I don't mean to imply that I am asking for suggestions such as go volunteer or join a book club. I need someone who is there for me because they LIKE me and care for me...not because we like the same books. Exchange of information is the form of communication easiest for some aspies, myself included. I don't need that kind. I am so angry and so sad...I feel so defeated....I have more than 20 books on Aspergers that I've read or been reading, as well as internet, blog, and article surfing. I don't know what to do does anyone else feel this way? And please if you are kind enough to reply....I ask that you refrain from argumentatively telling me why I'm wrong, ungrateful, selfish or how I'm overlooking the things in my life that ARE good, and I should focus on those and just be happy.

This community here is supposedly made up of my peers....unlike it would be if I was on trial for something with a bunch of NT's in the jury box. I NEED hugs and I NEED friends and all the things that I need, that other people my age already have and have had for a long time, I do not have because I do not understand the social stuff and I get it wrong....I am not blaming everything on Aspergers....but this is an autism/aspergers forum...and the more I read, the more new things and facets I've been recognizing that permeate my life due to the nature of Aspergers. A friend at work unfriended me from facebook and I have no clue why. The point is that without even knowing how, much less doing anything purposely, I turn people off and they get to know me at first and everythings fine but then i guess some of my oddness comes across as they get to know me. I am very verbal, assertive, smart....I don't have problems with personal space or people touching me. I am terrible at eye contact, cannot read nonverbal social cues or body language, which likely means that alot of the things you are supposed to do when getting to know someone or making yourself even approachable, i am either not doing or doing incorrectly. Some of this stuff you can learn and change, but like Genevieve proves......even being an educated expert in the field and having followed all the advice......it's not enough.[quote]

Last edited by smen on 18 Mar 2012, 3:03 pm, edited 1 time in total.

just because Gen killed herself does not mean things are hopeless. She had a history of depression, she had just had her relationship break down and she was in a mental hospital (which is a very distressing place for an aspie as no special interest and full of people).

I think she worked so hard on books and things as she did not feel good enough as she was, she seemed to be a perfectionist and driven to do better, if she could have felt ok as a 'ordinary' person she might have been ok.

For an aspie to be happy they have to be ok with being an aspie and not feel they have to achieve great deeds to be good enough or prove themselves worthy.

You are worthy just because you are, you need not be anything more.

As for being lonely and trouble with friends and relationships, everyone here finds that, we all have to find our own way of getting through the day. I like to immerse myself in special interests as that helps me keep busy.

Try not to judge yourself by NT ideals and be ok with living a different life to other people.

we all just have to make the best of it that we can. Life does go quite quickly really and it will be over before long so just keep yourself busy and try to be patient in the mean time.

Well my point here is that yes, we have to find ways to survive.....and I cannot. I am failing. And it is not me who is judging. I simply do not fit into the NT world. That is a fact, not a put down. And I was also pointing out that aspie or not, some of my innate needs are like Nts, when it comes to human interaction. However it is the nature of aspergers that by definition, makes it more difficult. I also have clinical depression, which I believe is partly hereditary, partly chemical imbalance and partly aspergers and yes I am on meds that work the best compared to the bunches of others I tried. I appreciate your taking the time to read my post and reply, regardless of whether I find your reply helpful.

"Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem."

Aspergers is not temporary.

I've read a number of your posts now and wanted to write something helpful, but I have a hard time understanding what it is you're looking for.
I made a few attempts at commenting on something you wrote, but then I felt unsure if it is relevant at all, because I get the impression that you're not really looking for advice, although I might be wrong. You're touching on a lot of subjects and I can't discern which you consider to be priorities. I can relate to a lot of what you say, but there is no easy one-size-fits-all solution that I now could be writing about.

In any case, you say

, so I decided to post anyway.
Have you read anything by Rachel Cohen-Rottenberg? I recently read "The Uncharted Path" and found it a good example of someone integrating their AS diagnosis and building a life that fits their needs and expectations around it, instead of forcing yourself to conform to NT expectations and definitions of what is or isn't acceptable.

*hugs*
I feel the same way sometimes. The only thing I'm finding that helps is to speak to my therapist.

Thank you for your nice post. I will look that up. And yes I am aware that except for the constant gloomy undertones, my posts ramble and are sometimes fragmented. One site that has cheered me up sometimes is damnyouautocorrects. Its pretty funny. I have also made an appointment at the autism center to speak with a therapist. Its nothing I haven't done before.....but really I don't know what's left to do.

A therapist that knows about autism sounds like a good idea.
You already know what you want and what it is that's missing in your life, so that's a good start.
Speaking from my own experience, I used to hold the belief that there's something I'm missing, one crucial thing that I need to change so that things will get better. I still have a hard time accepting it, but I don't believe in this kind of solution any more - this belief was easier to let go of intellectually than emotionally though. It'll probably take many small steps in the right direction and listening to my intuition instead of what other people say or think.

Let us know how you're doing and if you need help.