You know things are bad when.....

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My Mother told me the other day that I am the result of genetic sewage; meaning she and my father.

I had an....episode. I was under a lot of stress about being wholesale hacked. So I kinda got a little paranoid and kinda....had a meltdown. She says that in addition to all the other lovely inherited 'gifts' that already plague my life; I am also genetically prone to certain.....mental issues. The thought of going mad is...well...scary. I think I would rather be dead than live in some twisted nightmare reality that only exists in my head. I had thought there was a strong possibility that things couldn't get worse in the realm of my genes. Turns out I was wrong. It can get a lot worse. I don't want to go mad. For crying out loud, haven't I already been F'ed over enough by nature? I....I think my life was a mistake. I don't think I should have been born. If I start going mad...I want to be put out of my misery. I'm tired of life crapping on me. What the HELL am I supposed to do now? Where's the silver lining? Where's the hidden blessing? What the hell could possibly be positive about this? I'm scared. It seems like a horrible trick is being played on me; that I am the punchline in a sadistic joke that only the most vile of minds could conceive! I had four years where life seemed to make sense....only four. I have enough problems as it is. How could I possibly deserve another? I haven't killed anyone. I haven't raped or tortured anyone. I haven't brutalized the weak and defenseless. What the hell could I have done that makes this just? What am I saying? This crap is genetic....it was always lying in wait for the right time to drop another bomb on my already messed up life.

I...I don't know what to do. I don't really have any idea what I am going to do if I start going mad. There couldn't possibly be a good side to this. I'm so sick of life denying me things that seem to just fall into most people's lap. I'm already on an absurd cocktail of medications. The ritalin that I've been on since I was 3, has given me permanent hand tremors. I went through years of patch therapy to strengthen the weak eye I was born with that was only JUST good enough to not be classified blind.....I wanted to be a fighter pilot when I grew up and some as*hole doctor bluntly told me I could NEVER become a fighter pilot....and I was only 4! All I wanted was to be able to fly and serve my country just like my parents had. Recruiters from every branch wanted me to join because of my high test scores as a teenager....until they found out about my various conditions.

I failed college because I was too immature to understand what was really important in life. My dreams of doing something with my artistic skills disappeared and were replaced with the realization that I couldn't even afford to give it another try. So I've spent nearly 10 years working somewhere I hated; during which time I was diagnosed with yet another genetic 'gift'; AS, on top of the already impressive list of disorders and syndromes. I quit my job, and I'm living on my savings until I can get disability because of my difficulties and having to quit because the job became too toxic. I endured working for a duplicitous 'Non-for-profit' that uses people until they are all used up and tosses them aside like broken tools; but presents itself as an organization that cares about people. ....anyway I thought things had hit an all time low....Now this.

Hell. I'm sure I'm not the only one living as a sideshow in the 3rd SEXTENNIAL:

Infernus Circus presents: The Pernicious Dr. Astan Sansdeus Xulticid Esq.'s Macabre Menagerie of Malformative Anathema and Ubiquitous Oddities .

I am not so stupid as to think that I have the worst life anyone could have. It's just.....frustrating! I envisioned my life being a lot different when I was 3. Could I have handled the reality of what my life would truly be like if someone had told me at that age? I...I think....I think it is pointless. I think my life...has been a pointless rat race. I think that in all likelihood I never really stood a chance. Maybe this life...is Hell. Maybe I'm being punished for some terrible wrong I've done. Maybe "God" really does only love a chosen few and the rest of us are just fuel for the fire.

Will I know that its happening....going mad that is? Will I know that it is happening soon enough to end it before it became impossible to take action? I think I am more of a burden than anything else on my parents as things are now... What would be worse? Watching me go mad, or my death? Is there any option that doesn't involve causing my family grief? They upped my dosage of risperidone which I had being taking for anxiety. I was on the lowest dosage I had been on in years....I was finally losing weight. Why the Hell do I even try? I wanted a relationship one day...all but assured an impossible feat now; as if it weren't already unlikely. I wanted to have my own house. I wanted to learn Japanese and visit Japan one day. Why did I have to be born at all? I didn't get any say in this. I didn't get to choose my parents, my gender, my birth name....any of that. I know no one else did but still. Had there been an option....I wouldn't have been born at all if this was all I had to look forward to. I have one good peer friendship and his life's accomplishments already dwarfed anything I've ever achieved. I have a friend who is many times my senior who got shorthanded in life too, but we don't interact much since we both quit the job. My younger Sister graduated college and has a career.

I feel numb. I'm always getting into trouble because I am so foolish. It just makes life harder for those around me. I am a misfit in every sense of the word. Why do I bother? Should I just check myself into a mental institution? Being intelligent at this price seems like a rip-off. When will it be my turn to let go of everything and slip away into the void? When can I finally have peace? When can I see an end to a lifetime of being misunderstood and taken advantage of? All the knowledge in the universe wouldn't be able to fill the empty places in my life.

I'm not really expecting anything positive to come from this post. Pretty much all my posts seem to piss someone off. It's not like I'm trying to be an as*hole. I'm just very frustrated.....and tired. All I want now is to wake from my nightmare. Wake up and find myself in a better place. Wake up.....or dream no more. Is it going to help posting this? What will it accomplish beside revealing even more about how screwed up I am? I seem to drive people away no matter what I do so I guess it is a moot point. Did I mention I might also be bi-polar? A real comedy of errors isn't it; life.

Is there a point to any of it? Is this it? This is my reward for being born? Is this all people like me or people with worse problems have to look forward to? More troubles? Being a Christian didn't change my fate or my outlook; spirituality and mysticism haven't prevented bad things for happening or granted me the things I want most. Science and medicine haven't found the answer to my questions anymore than faith has. Even now I feel bad for even writing this. I think to myself that I shouldn't burden others who have their own challenges in life with mine. But then again I'm not totally confident I am in a completely rational state of mind, so NOT writing this could be worse. I honestly don't know. Does it really matter in the long run? How will anything I do or not do change my circumstances? I feel like damaged goods. Damaged goods that were already defective fresh off the assembly line. Thanks in advance for reading this whole post, I know it sounds like a lot of whining but I figured that was what this board was for; feeling sorry for yourself. I really hope that it turns out that I'm JUST Bipolar and not the....other possibility as well. But I'm not going to get my hopes up. Sorry if I'm a downer; but life doesn't look very promising at the moment. Sorry for any grammatical errors.

PS. No the "Lucifer" wasn't intentional as funny and creepy it might have been. Hence the edit. I was trying to come up with an anagram of....that name for my attempt at hiding behind my sometimes dark humor. I didn't realize I had pasted the name to the thread header. Rest assured I believe in the devil as much as I believe in Santa Clause......Which is my way of saying "Not at all" Sorry if it freaked anyone out. I told you I have a habit of unintentionally pissing people off...

Now I feel even worse...I'm sorry about the thread title. My heart was in my throat and I felt frozen when I saw my mistake. Maybe I should stop posting all together...before damage any remaining positive rep I might have. I'm sorry. Truly. Looks my attempt at cynicism just made me look like a royal ass. I noticed that I few of you looked at the post already. Please forgive any offense I may have caused you. I think I need to lay down for a while. I'm feeling a little sick to my stomach. I wish there was a way to...I'm such an idiot! I really do feel like crap right now. My Mother put my Dad, Herself and me down in the same sentence. She regrets having me. She thinks its her fault that I have so many problems. But why did she have to say that? I have little self worth as it is. To tell me that I came from the worst possible gene pool.....What....What the heck am I supposed to do with that?

I feel hurt. But I can't cry. I know I want to cry...but I can't. I'm a freak! I wish some one would just put me out of my misery! This is so messed up! Why did I have to be born? Why do I have to be hurt like this all the time?

Now the tears come. Maybe I shed some pain with them. I'm sorry WrongPlanet. I just want.....it to make sense. I just want the pain to go away. I have to go. I'm sorry for making any of you angry with my posts. I just need to lay down for awhile. I just need to sleep. I'm sorry. Goodnight.

It doesn't look bad to me. Maybe it was bad and you changed it, but we still wouldn't have room to complain, because you changed it.


Well, your mom shouldn't have said that. You said your sister is doing well, so apparently your mom is wrong about it anyway, since your sister comes from the exact same gene pool.

Genes aren't the whole story, anyway. There's a really good essay I read, and it makes a point about painters in 15th century Italy. Florence and Milan were about the same size at the time, and he names 10 really famous artists from Florence, and notes that there aren't any famous artists from Milan in the same time period. Then he says, "Something was happening in Florence in the fifteenth century. And it can't have been heredity, because it isn't happening now. You have to assume that whatever inborn ability Leonardo and Michelangelo had, there were people born in Milan with just as much. What happened to the Milanese Leonardo?"