Would anyone put up with me ?

Post Reply New Topic

I have a history of sexual abuse, and self harming along with clinical depression and suspected AS, and abandonment fears.
I am now feeling that there is no-one out there who would be able to 'deal' with me, or who would not act as a trigger for my depression.

I have had boyfriends in my life. The first lasted 5 and a half years, another aspie, who says he still loves me and will always carry a candle for me.
The second, became abusive towards me when I had trust issues and tried to express myself and self harmed.
The current one, just called me a criminal and said I am like everyone else, because I had self harmed, and went into my living room and sat there, even though I was bleeding and crying because I had become so distressed I hurt myself.

I had tried to explain that it happened because I felt unable to talk to him, without him threatening to do a survey of the whole city to prove he was right and I was wrong..but it just ended up the same place.

And now, although, obviously, I am forced to end things with him, I am left wondering, is it me?
Is it because I need too much, because I self harm when upset, because I need to know where I stand with someone, because I need some sort of emotional input from whoever I am with, or at least, understanding?

It is difficult not to hate and blame myself for it all going wrong.
If I had just smiled, been happy, and accepted things as they were and that he might come round every night for years, and never call me his girlfriend, never hug me, and always blame me and call me selfish if I showed any sign of distress,

I dont know if I can ever bother to try interracting with another male again now.
Maybe they will all be the same, under the circumstances.

and then I think, I would be best off just killing myself and getting rid of myself so I don't inflict my pathetic, self harming self on anyone else.
Like anyone gives a f**k anyway.
who am I but a stupid name on the internet, who no-one knows or cares for, just another pointless life. and a waste of space.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you, but it is not your fault, so please don't think that you are a waste of space. I can relate to what you are saying, I felt worthless too many times in my life and like nobody gives a f**k. Those depressive states don't last forever, even if it seems that way sometimes, and the right guy will come along eventually, when you are ready for him.

Graelwyn,

I sent you a PM. I hope you read it soon. This situation is certainly not your fault. You cannot fix what's wrong with this guy & even if he does have a few good traits...the bad far outweigh the good.

Yes you have issues, but you can overcome the stuff that's happened to you. It takes time & work, but it can be done. You are also strong enough to get through this.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

No, you're not a waste of space or just a name on the internet. I don't know you, but I read your words here and I care about you and what is happening, and has happened to you. You are a vulnerable human being who has had to deal with hurt and betrayal, and you are right not to continue a relationship with someone else who hurts you. You show strength and resilience in being able to make that decision.

There are men out there who will care for and cherish you.

Maybe you need to spend some time focussing only on yourself and caring for yourself without worrying about anyone else.

Have you ever had counselling? Gentle, encouraging counselling with someone who will listen to you without judging you and help you to see patterns and work out for yourself how to make the changes that you want to make.

I was also sexually abused, as a child by a member of my extended family. After my second marriage broke down I went for counselling - once a week for about 2 years - and it slowly and gradually did help me to recognise fully the effect the abuse had on me as an adult, in ways I hadn't even realised before. It has made me stronger, calmer and better able to cope with life.

Huge cyber hugs for you.

Peace and love to you.

Thankyou for replying, these states are horrible to be stuck in and am sorry you had to experience similar.
I hope one day I meet someone who is right, but right now, I have no hope of it happening.

Thanks tomboy, your communications mean a great deal.
I hope one day I can be more 'normal' and less prone to self destruction.
((((((hugs back))))))

Thanks for replying. It is hard sometimes to feel you exist when sat at home, with just a screen, reading posts, but with little contact with anyone, even online. I hate having to choose to walk away from anyone, I always find it hard and painful , because I think of them as well, and feel as if I am abandoning them.

I had counselling several times when I was a teenager and young adult, but found it difficult to talk about everything openly.
I have no had any for sometime now and feel sort of pathetic for still having so many problems so many years later, although a lot of my problems are because I think and think and think, and feel the need to have a solution to everything and a reason for everything, so when anything goes wrong with someone, I analyse and analyse, and usually end up blaming myself and taking things out on myself.

None of us is perfect, but I'd say of the three boyfriends you mention, the second one and the current one both sound like jerks or idiots. Their shortcomings don't make you worthless. And the fact a couple of jerks don't care about you doesn't mean no one ever will. As for the fact you have needs of your own, so do we all. There's no reason to feel being human is your fault; you were born that way.

If you don't feel ready to get involved with anyone, then don't. Having a boyfriend is not the measure of whether or not you are worth anything. Do what you can do, take care of yourself, and listen to the people who do care. Judging by other posts in this thread, more than one of us here on Wrong Planet cares and wishes you well.

I don't know you, but I've read some of your posts on here, and - although I do understand how easy it can be to do this - I think you're being much too hard on yourself. You hurt yourself when you get upset. That is light years more decent than the creeps who go out and hurt someone else when they get upset. And I've had to learn, myself, that the desire to turn on yourself and hurt yourself means you've been messed up by life, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person. So, please, try to hang in there.

You sound quite similar to me, both in the difficulties of walking away from someone and the thinking and need for solutions and self-blame.

Counselling helped me with both these things, and especially with the endless thinking and analysing. It was as if the counsellor helped me make a bigger space for my thoughts to go round in, and he helped me to group the thoughts in such a way that I was able to manage them and understand them better, if that makes sense. He also helped by, over time, introducing alternative perspectives in a way that I could understand and relate to my existing thoughts, so expanding them and increasing my self-understanding. He helped me make sense of stuff by his being outside me and being able to identify a common theme if you like - which was the feelings of powerlessness I'd experienced at the hands of my abuser. As an adult, I kept reacting in the same way when I let people make me feel powerless and as if I had no voice. That terrifies me and I was fighting against that all the time, but it kept on happening with different people in different situations. I would shut down, and retreat into myself.

It's hard to describe how it helped, and it was a long slow process, and I often just didn't understand what he was getting at, but eventually I did get it. For many of our sessions we were in a room, with me facing a window outside which was the wall of a tall building. I would stare and stare at that wall and it seemed to represent all that was stifling me and hemming me in. By the end, the wall was just a wall. Actually, I got quite fond of that wall. I can still picture it.

I had small successes along the way, things that most people would think nothing of, like being able calmly and without fear to tell my ex husband not to change channels on the car radio when I was driving. That seems such a little thing, such an insignificant thing, but it was so important to me, so empowering, and I was able to share that with my counsellor and he understood what a big step that was and help me build on that.

I'd definately recommend counselling. Find someone that you're comfortable with, that's important, and can trust. I had the choice of a man or a woman, and I almost felt I was challenging myself when I said I'd be ok with a man, but it was good because it let me see that not all men are abusers or dismissive, and that there are men who can be understanding and accepting.

Was going to suggest some sort of therapy but it seems like previous posters have covered that very nicely.

I think that after getting out of a bad relationship like you just have you need to take sometime to figure out what are you really looking for before rushing into another relationship.

Also your last two partners displayed abusive traits so perhaps you should start doing some reading on how to spot abuse at an early stage in an attempt to avoid getting overly attached to someone that wont treat you properly.


Its not your fault that the relationship is over. You explained to him why the self harming was happening and you asked him to change a certain aspect of his behaviour so that it stopped, he refused to do it.


A break from looking for a relationship can be helpfull but try to make something meaningfull during this time that will improve your chances of finding a suitable partner once you are back into the dating field.


Hope that you are feeling better and suicidal thoughts have stopped, there are a lot of members here that care about you.

It's possible for concern for another person to become a distraction or otherwise larger than it should be. But don't second guess the fact that you dare to be concerned for another person's wellbeing.



Plenty of folks out there go through life afraid to even consider why things happen. Don't beat yourself up just because you dare to walk through the dark with your hands out to feel for objects in your path. As people grow older they find they don't necessarily have their lives all figured out. Experience just makes it easier to hide that fact from others.

I am quite tough on myself, as I tend to question whether maybe, to be the best human being and to be compatible with another human being, I must somehow get rid of all needs and wants, and become totally selfless...maybe I read too many spiritual books and forums and got caught up in this belief that we have to drop all human needs and wants, and just be happy all the time, etc.

I always feel it is my fault when things go wrong with someone...for example, I could have just kept quiet forever about the lack of affection and communication, and accepted things as they were, then he wouldn't have told me yet again that he will 'do a survey of the city' to prove he is right...the same response I have gotten for 6 months now, whenever I raised issues or something he had said that bothered me. Maybe a better person than me, would have just kept silent, accepted that he could not show affection, and would just come round each evening to watch a movie, and not bought about the reactions he gave. 'I don't want emotions and feelings and love and all that c**p in my life' he told me.

Naturally, I ended up melting down, because it was like hitting a brick wall, as usual, when I tried to explain why I hurt myself sometimes and why I had been angry. To be called a criminal for it, and be reminded that its people like that who kill their babies

Of course, all I can think is, if I didn't meltdown, and get upset when I can't make myself understood, or express myself verbally, maybe I would have been alright for him. I mean, we aren't supposed to need anything from others afterall are we, even in relationships?

But anyway, I am tired, the whole thing has made me unwell, and it is hard not to believe it is purely my fault, something about me, and that every male will respond this way when I try and express problems or feelings.
Maybe my communication skills are just so poor that no male will be able to understand me.

I find it very difficult to ask for things I wish for or for something to be done that I want. Might be because my mother tended to call me selfish quite a lot, or to get angry when I asked for something at an inappropriate time. I have become afraid to ask and so just sit and sit on things, getting more frustrated.

I shall look into counselling. I need something, given my current state of mind has been on suicide and on wishing to just sleep forever.

I tend to be very forgiving of other peoples faults, because of the fact I have faults, and I suppose I cling onto hope they will somehow adapt, or hit some sort of revelation and become more understanding...but I know that cannot happen in this case as he was unwilling to a) learn about autism even though he says he has it as well...he doesnt believe in psychology crap and seems to have major hangups about medical professionals and thinks he knows better. and b) be willing to learn to communicate in a way that was fair on both of us.

I know what I wish for in a relationship...someone with whom I can communicate openly, and someone who will be supportive of me and able to listen and offer comfort when times are not so good. The same as I am always willing to give to someone else. Money and the like, aren't important to me. I also have reached a time when I wish for something longterm.

I never looked for a relationship, I cannot. I don't go anywhere, I don't belong to any groups etc. I met 1 of those guys on the net, and the other 2 by pure circumstance, while out doing things.

I think the problem is, I look and look and look, and then always conclude I am to blame for all obstacles and get very angry at myself for not being more advanced as a human being, if that makes sense. I agonise over how to fix things and make myself more adaptable and suitable for other people.

Hi Graelwyn,

I am like this too. Always twisting myself into a pretzel to please others. I am learning about personal boundaries & setting limits. It might be good if you did this too. Your life has been very much like mine. Except, you are much younger, & can make faster progress than I have. Please seek out a therapist who can help you in this area.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}