I need help...
I feel very depressed after school today, I just started (university) but I really feel like I can't connect to anyone. I have difficulties socially and I can't hold decent conversations with anyone... I feel separated from everyone, I feel like I can't be normal... everyone to me seems normal and talkative, I always just sit and watch, I can't join in at all. But Its like I have the big wall and I can't be with others because of it.
I feel like no matter what I can't change myself. I always have tried to improve and keep positive, but after my whole life of being the same and still having difficulties with others, it feels like I cannot overcome this aspect of me... I feel like im very separate from other people, even if I be nice and smile nothing ever happens... I feel like its impossible for me to ever make friends. Its come to the point where I don't even care anymore and am fine being by myself, but it does make me sad sometimes because I feel everyone else is so different from me and no one can ever understand me. I like being me, but it seems like no one else does.
I sort of feel like I purposefully separate myself, I always sit away from people or go to somewhere secluded during spare time because I don't like staying in crowds for too long....I don't see anyone else who is like me, so I feel very alone... also Im a girl so its harder for me to find other girls like me...
When I was a kid I wouldn't talk for a long time (mute?) and I wouldn't play with other kids, I'd just watch them. No one ever helped me and I went on like that until about grade 8 which I tried speaking more... (I did start speaking to some classmates in grade 5, but it wasn't a lot and I stopped again completely in grade 7 and in grade 8 I tried to be better a little...)Through high school I tried to be normal but it all failed and I had to move to a new school because I couldn't cope... .But I feel like this period of time had a toll on me... its made me who I am and I feel I can't get out now... I haven't changed at all I'm still the same even if I can now look at people (before I didn't have any eye contact) and I can talk if people talk to me, like I am not completely silent anymore... but It seems like everyone else is normal and I can't even be normal...even if I can pretend to be normal, its always short lived and I go back to not talking, I even feel better not talking... I always thought it was shyness that I had but although I can be shy, it feels like its not just shyness that separates me, but its just the way that I am that does...shyness people can overcome, I've never overcome this and I've been like this since forever...
I feel like I am outside everyone... I don't even know if I have anything like autism or whatever...I feel I have many symptoms, it would be nice to know for sure why I'm like this, but it still wouldn't help me improve or be normal... its making me very sad... I hate to say that I hate myself... but I really feel it...
I don't know what to do anymore... I feel like I can't survive in this world. I have stayed exactly the same since preschool, its like my ability to interact has not changed and will never change. I wish I could go see someone to help me, but I don't know where...
so what I should do? How can I get better...? I feel very sad about everything right now and I really hate myself for being like this...
