Overwhelmed

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Basically:

Post-college. I'm actually a decent "worker" but I'm severely disillusioned with most menial jobs [I've worked them] and on top of my gargantuan thesis to graduate, severely disillusioned with academia, which is probably the career I'm best suited for, and the career that my "friends" [Yes, scare quotes] and family think I'm best suited for.

But, I really don't have the capital for grad school. Minor problems, unsure of what I want to study and was harshly rejected for one course of study, understandably since I did not have the official background for it [self-taught, and the degree I applied for was too specific]. Anywho that kinda shattered my self-esteem for academia and that combined with distrust and disillusionment has resulted in me largely avoiding it.

Blah. This is in the haven because I'm just frustrated with all of it. I'm not sure of what is the next step, how to take it, and if I'm ready for it. I'd suck up grad school, but I don't want loans to pay for it. There are some jobs I'd settle for, but they all stink, or I've been rejected.

On top of this I've fallen out with my college era friends [and have lost contact with my friends prior to that], and am having trouble/stressors with family.

Somehow or other I've gotten to the point where the things that I enjoy in life, I'm not even able to focus on. I just don't have the motivation or energy or concentration. If I sit down and attempt to focus on them; my mind is a jumble. It's increasingly frustrating and is directly contributing to my ennui and feelings of worthlessness--like a parasite on this planet.

So:

1) Mostly just hoping for a dash of cliched advice and sentiment to pull me through the dregs
2) Also stumbling through my mind: I know a lot of y'all have ADD/ADHD--And personally I think it's over-diagnosed--but is it worth a try looking into it; does it match with some of my earlier sentiments? Previously I've always had trouble focusing on something unless it was interesting and I devoted myself to it, now, I just have trouble focusing. Thoughts?

So that's the squeeky clean version. Add alcohol+quit smoking+celibacy [kinda-sorta-self-invoked over the last two years]+depression and the rest of the blanks should fill themselves in! And niggling health problems, migraines, and cluster headaches.

Danke

--David [And my head hurts and my brain is a mess, so my syntax and grammar and spelling suck.]

Your problems remind me a lot of mine, except replace migraine with toothache. I think a lot of people I know are at career crossroads right now, you are not the only one. I have one friend on Facebook who seems completely fed up with her job. I am only semi employed and I am not sure what I should be doing.

I have thought of going back to uni and studying English, or doing some kind of writing based degree, or perhaps go to performing arts school, or study fine art. But these things all seem a tad impractical and there is the student loan. So I am not sure. I like photography but I am not very techy and all that editing would drive me crazy..

There is also the thought of how I would get to university. There is only a tech nearby and they dont really offer the courses I am looking for. So I would have to move into a flat near town I guess and set up a student benefit and loan. But then I would have to leave my cats with my parents, as student flats are not the most stable things. Confusing!

Anyway that rambling aside, you are not the only one having these thoughts...

Sometimes in life there are periods between one good thing and the next, so perhaps it is time to relax, take stock and do some thinking about what you would like to do. The answer may come to you. (((((((hug))))))))))

Hmmm. I think you are a guy version of me. Like in absolutely every way...

Hmmm either way. Yesss post-college depression sucks, you find out the world isn't so interesting, and people are horrible / lazy / stupid.
Just keep fighting. Don't give up on the grad school just because they said no, keep applying to more, or the same one. Just get more experience of whatever for your application, find a job somehow related that will give you the right experience. A friend didn't get into her dream school until the 3rd time she applied, and when she finally did, she did amazing. Persistence is key, just keep at it, just never take no for an answer...

And the focus issues does sound like ADD, with a mix of just not caring. I do that too, and it is horrible. You get stuck in a rut of never doing things because you cant seem to start, and then the guilt from not doing enough just makes it worse. And that just makes you depressed, which adds to the inability to care enough to do anything. It seems like a vicious cycle that is really hard to get out of... The best thing is to just sit down and do something, even if it is not to your perfect usual standards. And don't worry about it so much, worrying about it too much somehow makes it worse. (Maybe its just me.)

I don't know. I might not be making too much sense, sorry. I am fighting off this horrid cold and thinking is pretty much impossible right now. Urg. Anyways... I hope you feel better about all this soon. Alright, I need to sleep. Peace.

First: Thanks for the replies Zen Mistress and Sagan: I respect both of you and seeing your thoughtful, helpful advice and concern is beneficial. Made today much easier.

Second: More specific responses

Zen Mistress: I actually plan on studying English as well! Hopefully it'll be more practical than my current degree.

Also, you weren’t rambling at all, and your situation mirrors mine.

Again, I’m really appreciative of your reply! [And ((Hug))!]

Good luck figuring what you want to do and accomplishing it! And keep me updated on it!

Sagan: Guy version of you? Nah! You know fashion, and my fashion style is: hobo [, but it does seem like we got a chunk in common].

Thanks for the encouragement and the call for persistence in applying to schools. I don’t get rejected much, so my self-esteem took a hit after rejections. Short story—applied to a way-too specific field that I didn’t have the formal background in at top schools when they had a ton of applications coming in and I did a poor job of selling myself.

And the rut you describe regarding a lack of productivity is eerily accurate!

You made perfect sense, and I hope you get over your cold soon, I’m actually plagued by allergies right now.

Third: This has been running amok in my noggin' today:

Quoting “Withnail and I” who are quoting Ol’ Bill:

I have of late, wherefore I know not, lost all my mirth, and indeed, it goes so heavily with my disposition that this goodly frame, the earth, seems to me a sterile promontory; this most excellent canopy, the air--look you--this brave o'erhanging firmament, this majestical roof fretted with golden fire, why it appeareth nothing to me but a foul and pestilent congregation of vapours. What a piece of work is man! How noble in reason! how infinite in faculties! how like an angel in apprehension! how like a god! beauty of the world! the paragon of animals! And yet, to me, what is this quintessence of dust? Man delights not me; no, nor woman neither…

More importantly: Thanks again for the replies--it's helped reading over that y'all are going through something similar.

Much more importantly [joke!]: got 3/4 a case of wine today…!

Hope this isn’t too fragmented to read, but hey, it’s my thread!

--David