I get it now

Post Reply New Topic

I have been afraid my whole life of losing my mind and become truly insane. I've dreaded being locked up, having nightmares about it regularally. I've feared the day where reality and fanatsy became one in my head.

The thing is? It's already happened.

I've got imaginary friends that are so real I can truly feel them. I'm going to be flat honest for once. To me, they ARE real. I can FEEL them, hear there hearts beating. It's amazing and terrifiying. They're not even part of me anymore. And don't get me started on the ghost.

All other sensations feel like a dull memory, but dull memories themself are as strong as ever. I still feel my grandma hugging me sometimes. I feel my Uncle Todd giving my a kiss on the cheek, and I haven't seen him in years. I feel Valerie's head on my shoulder from when I scared her so much she forgot to avoid any and all contact with them. I feel Paul putting me in a sleeper hold (gently, we play fight often). I feel my Dad's stupid goatee scratching my forehead. I feel my exes hand in mine. I feel a fist slamming into the back of my head. My ears are ringing and all the other comforting feelings just don't add up enough.

None of this is real to me anymore. None of you really exist. I probably just imagined you up in a desperate attempt to find somewhere safe to be. It's just like eerything else. None of this is real. I'm probably locked up in some hospital under a deep sleep. I must of died that first time she hit me.

My ears keep chiming. The clicky clack of the keys is like a gong going off over and over.

I've had mental breakdown before, but this one's different. I don't think I'm coming out of this. Is there any way back after you lose your mind?

I can't fel anything except lead in my head and like something's gripping around my foot. God, I swear to God I would kill, seriously kill, for someone to just hold me. Or kiss me. Or beat the s**t out of me. I'm so desperate for physical contact, real contact. I need something to wake me up. These ghost hands on me is just not cutting it. I'm going to freaking kill myself over an effing hug.

I'm scared. Who the hell am I even talking to? I don't even know if I'm living. I've imagined pulses before, maybe this one I feel now is fake too.

I can attest to the fact that you are indeed living and you are indeed speaking with real people. If I were a figment of your imagination I doubt I would be capable of forming my own complex thought patterns. Unless of course I am a figment of your imagination and I was only writing in the manner that you would imagine that a random stranger responding to you on a message board would respond to you. I'm going to stop there before I lose my mind. It sounds to me like you would benefit from talking to a psychologist. The symptoms you've listed are characteristic of schizophrenia. Not that I can really judge seeing as how I've never met you or spoken with you. I'm also not a trained psychologist. Sorry I'm just a hobbyist. I do think you should see a psychologist though. Schizophrenia can be controlled with various medications.

I'm not gonna be able to get help for this. I can't even get help with my statistics homework.

If you can talk about your possibility of insanity, then I'd say you're still sane. AND AWAKE. Otherwise your post would be nonexistent in the real world and we wouldn't be reading it. Be assured of that at least. *weak smile*

I wish I had hugs too, real ones.

Can I stop this from getting worse? Sure, I wanna wake up, but if I'm stuck like this, I can work around it. I'll play along, have the occasional breakdown, and wait for real me to wake up or die. It's nice sometimes, a lot of the time, but I don't like the being concious of my insanity. Still, I'm...comfortable when my nice, definietely nonexsistent (I think) friends and even the ghost hang around. My one real friend's much nicer, but she's a bit of a way out of reach.

Is it normal to think that your memories aren't your own? I mean, at one point in my life, I cracked in half, and Little Ariel hada stressful, but overall happy childhood. She's not even a part of me anymore, though she does completely take over and I tend to relapse into cartoons and making forts and trying to get "Mommy's" attention, but as far as I'm concerned, Little Ariel's mother died with her. Tragic, isn't it? I miss both of them. At least they died together, and can play "Mommy and baby spider" vs "Mommy and baby chompy" together whereever they are (one hand's a "spider" and the others a "chompy" and the chompies tried to eat the spiders. kinda sounds funny now that I explain it out).

I don't know what the hell I am now.

No offense, but I cannot be convinced you all are real. I could see you in person and hug you to death and I still wouldn't feel a thing.

This has happened to me before. I was lost and didn't think it was going to end.

Mmm I have the odd feeling I should actually be formally introducing myself somewhere else on the forum but I'm doubtful I'll be posting in any notable frequency... However this particular post does interest me enough to make a post (which will most likely only be once off, implying little need for formal introduction elsewhere).

Anyway from what I can tell you're not insane, or at the very least you do not have any actual mental disorder which is solely responsible for your current behaviour (the old anecdote of crazy people don't know they're crazy, seems to apply here). Anyway having a innate dislike (which occasionally slips into a deep hatred and depression) towards the world as it is I've frequently taken trip to the land of make believe, although not as complex as your but I would also create make believe friends, be quasi-possessed (or more accurately act as thou I were them) and have extremely interesting conversations (which I was otherwise lacking. All in all it was simply a matter of me not liking the world that I found myself in and creating a world that was for more comfortable, in part a world were my uniqueness was not a shameful thing but something elevating, a word where people acted in a way that was far more pleasant.
In part I blame movies like Dark City and Matrix (although Descartes "I think there for I am", and the obvious implication of the deceitful god didn't help much) to my constant questioning of reality. After all any intelligent mind will immediately recognise that senses are not all that trustworthy (dream, optical illusions, mis-remembering the past etc.) and thus that what we perceive to be reality can be nothing more than a deceitful god (or in the case of the Matrix a cable jabbed into your skull) presenting you with a false reality.
Where it gets interesting is in a situation where one creates a more acceptable reality and starts to question what is conventionally perceived as "the" reality. In such a situation (like you are currently describing) it is very possible to decide to do away with "the" reality and live soley within the acceptable reality. I never was able to do that mind you, even though I a far more acceptable reality existed for me I never could fully get around to rejecting this reality because of the nagging issue of which reality is real, are any of them even real? It's easy to intellectually come to the realisation that reality might be false, but unfortunately there is by the same merit no way to be certain about whether any perceived reality of true. Because of this uncertainty as the validity of any of the realities I found myself in I treated all as though they were real and acted in a way that would not jeopardise my situation in any given reality (i.e. I would never talk out-loud to my make believe friends when in public).
In time however the dominate reality (or at least the more apparent one) i.e. this reality, came to overwhelm any other reality I could create for myself and I was able to ground myself within this particular reality. Of course that doesn't mean I can't take a vacation every now and then

Oh well now that I think about it my entire wall of text wasn't really all that useful to anyone (well other than myself who got an opportunity to let some of it out). Anyway I doubt I'll be posting again (or at least any-time soon, historically when it comes to online forums I tend to wear my welcome quickly so it's best to remain as distant as possible) but please do share more of your experiences, it's a rather interesting topic.

Yes I also have played many personas Cure, since I think you mentioned that.

I love how my Asperger's only makes this all worse. They like to vary and disappear and reappear as my interests change. For the LONGEST time Nightwing followed me around. And he kept changing into Dick Grayson, which was rather confusing and unnerving.

No, the sickest ones come up from my own imagination. Sure they've got their influences, but that doesn't make them less than mine. Like Jimothy I guess started off as a cross between the Ventriloquist (from Batman) since he had a sociopathic dummy he carried around, and my opinion on what the "Sharp Dressed Man" from the sone "Sharp Dressed Man" looked like, but eventually they just morphed into one for convience sake. Actually, he's a lot like me, only opposite. Then there's Sable and James, which is actually the given personas to Little Ariel and Sane Ariel respectively. Weirdly enough, Sable's my only female creation that's not me. The rest are all male.

THEN there's Rome. I've had him awhile. He's a total arrogant smartass and everyone except me (and apparently my IRL friend Valerie) hates his guts. I actually made him into a doll and gave him to Valerie because she liked him so much. The real one never left though, but he's on vacation with James out in Germany. The bastards.

Bradbury's probably the scariest thing I've ever thought up. I refuse to talk about him.

So that's them. When I catch an interest, they morph and split into other things, but I don't think they ever actually change completely. And they really are unique people with deep personalities and scary pasts. I'm not gonna write a bunch of biographies for them. No one's reading this crap anyway.

But, they're also the ONLY ones I can be CERTIAN are NOT real. So that means I have complete control over them. Except Bradbury, because I can't just stop having depression and whatnot... can I?

By the way, my IRL friend is unaware that I actually truly believe in any of this. I mean, I've told stories, but she thinks it's just me being me. Probably for the better.

Am I scaring anyone else? I'm scaring myself. I mean, I've never actually admitted to all of this to anyone before. After I tried telling my mom, I've been too nervous to. I may be nuts, but I don't wanna be judged. That's just me.

Am I scaring anyone else? I'm scaring myself.

No.

I really want to know about Bradbury now though.


PS: Statistics homework sucks. Good luck.

A spade is a spade, my father uses to say. Nothing more, nothing less, just plain reality. Getting back I guess is putting away any other meaning.

Explore it and free yourself from it instead of fighting it would be my advice. I wouldnt believe anybody who say they have everything under control, but I do believe buddhistic monks are doing something right.

Not really you don't. I could write an effing novel on that man. He's the only one I can't control, but at least he can't control me.