Things are looking really, really bad

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Unemployment is high. House prices/rent prices are high. Services for disabled people and education budgets are being cut. I can't see much hope for the future. I cut my face open with a razor knife, a chef's knife and a carpet knife and got took to hospital last week. I feel like doing more but in a more violent way. I know a homeless man who I often talk to who asked me to make a suicide pact with him, to help each other cut our wrists. I started paying someone to watch DVDs with me in my apartment. That felt quite good but I also felt it was like every other relationship; painful because it made me want intimacy so much and yet I know this person is just there to watch DVDs with me. I'm also going to paint a portrait of a woman tomorrow. I'm looking forward but I also feel all my actions are somewhat futile.

In an age of technology and mass unemployment it's hard to not feel redundant. To not feel like a clone. What I can do with a pencil and a paintbrush millions of other people do too and put on the internet. Millions more can do even better with digital cameras so lots of people don't care about paintings anyway. The only therapy that works is violence. If I hurt other people I feel bad about myself so I hope I'll continue to hurt myself instead.

Oh dear.

Are you able to see a psychiatrist or therapist? Do you have insurance? You sound seriously suicidal.

Digital cameras and other people's artistry will never replace your own artistry. Photorealistic renderings are only one kind and only "realistic" by the standards of human vision, while there are other ways to make art (based on one's sense of movement or emotion or any other number of senses or combinations of). The result being that any rendering a person does is uniquely beautiful and incomparable to anything else.

I think you might need to see the psychiatrist more often. I see my psychiatrist every week or two when I'm seriously upset, and I haven't been self-harming or feeling suicidal(much). What happened when you were in the hospital? Did they put you in a psych ward or anything?

Are you on any kind of med?

The reason why I ask is because I've watched the difference it has just recently made for my son, who has a depression response to his stimulants. He has tried three different anti-anxiety/anti-depressants, and only recently have we found one that has him feeling like his old, cheerful self.

I really understand the feelings you are having right now. Things don't seem to be all that good in general for anybody. But any of us who have not gone through depression don't really understand what it's like. You should try and join a support group. Ask your psychiatrist for info about some kind of group who is going through what you're going through. OR, find a support group of other people with Asperger's. Either way, you would find people who are in a similar situation, and people you can talk to. Hopefully you can find a group where there are people who have been through depression and come out the other side in one piece, and they can give you appropriate advice.

don't be suicidal, don't think you're not worth anything.. people are all born with the same worth.
And if somewhere people lose their value, it's not because they can't do unique and important things or mean something to society, according to me you just have to NOT be an as*hole. So if you're not an as*hole, I'm ok with you. There's a lot of as*holes outthere that don't even think about what they do to others.

And about all the others that can paint/make pictures too.. I had that thought too. I wanted to be the best, otherwise no one would pay attention to me.
But now I know you don't even need to come close to be one of the best to get stuff sold on the market. I do marriage and portrait photography now, and it's fine if your quality is just above mediocre. People don't notice the difference between bad and excellent pictures most of the time.

Stop looking for the way out. THIS is your journey, it's not in the destination at the end, it's NOW in every second of it.
I did this sort of meditation thing that I discovered on my own. It's like erasing all your thoughts and just be and breathe. At that point, you could be anyone at anytime in history. I sometimes need to get out of this life to, this is how I do it.

I'm sorry you cut yourself. I've done this and been very distressed by it. The doctors I saw about it didn't seem to be concerned, which I thought was odd. I think you should consider talking to your doctor about medications. I have been much less destructive since taking them. It can take time to find the right ones for you, but it is worth considering.

We do live in some very strange times now. It kind of feels like all the rules were thrown out and it's even harder to figure this world out.

I also think we live under a lot of external as well as self imposed pressure pushing us toward some vague idea of success in society. I think we all have to be really careful about this. Also on top of this it feels unfair that there is a generation pressured to work even harder to succeed because so much of the economy has shriveled away.

It's so hard but I think we have to some how make peace with our circumstances or at least come to terms with the hand we've been dealt. That is not to say just roll over and let life beat you down either, but not be severely judgmental of yourself for perceived failure to attain some kind of station or status in life.

I'm not sure how you feel about artistic expression. I know professionally it's hard with the advent of digital. Again like I said earlier all the old rules have been thrown out. But maybe it would help to do drawing or photography just for yourself. Try to enjoy the craft instead of seeing it almost like an adversary.

Whoops, scratch my previous question.
I forgot you were the same portrait artist I spoke with last month.

Nevertheless, you should repost your art links for others on this thread to see.

What did it feel like cutting your face like that? And why did you need 3 knives?

Can I see your painting when it's done?

It felt like a relief to cut my face. I used the 3 knives because the razor knife and the chef's knife weren't that effective.

This is the portrait I did of the young woman I met.

[img][800:1600]http://i51.tinypic.com/2ns2m1k.jpg[/img]

Woah. It's got a little bit more menace to it than I was expecting.

What did the woman think of it when she saw the finished work?