Getting it off of my chest

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Ah
havent been a member here long but it looks like a good website

Am writing the post as i need to get a few things off of my chets - to clear the air I suppose.

I am an Aspie and have been through more than i wish to :

Bullied constantly as a child in school
dispised by my father who 2 years after i was adopted by themm had a natural daighter and from then on I was not wanted
Have never known love so far in my life
Got married to a woman who I thought loved me - She said it was just the 2 of us against the world
at the current stage she says she cannot take my aspie any more - has been sleeping apart downstairs for 6 weeks
all the time not telling me what i have done wrong and treating me like a complete stranger ( after 24 years of marriage)

I feel totally unloved - I suppose it makes no change from my whole life so far but I am now at the stage where it is difficult to cope
I am also physically disabled - a pregressive disability - guess thats another downer.
My children treat me with no respect and constantly deride and patronise me.
I convinced my local shrink that I was oh sane mind - lol- enough to alter my original will to only include some obscure charity.
I am in a position atm that I feel I am unable to look after myself independently and everu morning and tbh most of the day think about suicide.
I am usually very logicsal about things and to this end I have a vehicle to travel to where I want to go - a stash of driugs ( mainly oramorph and a large amount of morphine derivitive - think its zomorph or something like that).
I am not one of these frantic lets just do it now kind of people- I have planned htis carefully and my state of mind is not frantic - more just accepting that this is probably the best and only alternative to my situation.
I know I wil not be missed by anyone - as I have no friends ( havent had any of those in over 20 years ), my gfamily have openly admitted that they do not love me, ( my wife in front of me when my children were present ).
I have triee all the time to ask whqt have I done wrong - but she wont say - she just says that my condition and meltdowns ( my few meltdowns because of my condition - and i suppose my general feeling of depression about how i am being treated - or rather betrayed by the people I thought understood me- and were supposed to take me as I am ).
I dont know anymore _ I suppose getting this rant ( if you call it that ) has helped a bit, but all the time now my thoughts seem to be just accepting the case that at some point in time I will finally commit the act thta is constantly in my head all the time.
Its like am just waiting for the hammer to fall - I am not afraid - just accepting the situation.
Contacted samaritans recently - hmm - after explaining my situation - they said they could not help me lol and put the phone down on me ( guess thats anothe bunch of helpful people showing that they care ).
I am not writing this because I feel sorry for myself , I am quite calm and collected , I am writing this because
1) it gets something off of my chest and
2) realise there is no other alternative tbh to what I have dewcribed above.

What I find difficult is putting it off on a daily basis - I hav not smiled or laughed for years.
Well guess I have wriiten to much to put on an epitaph- lol - but writing this has at least allowed me to get some of this off of my chest.

I'm not sure if this helps but I feel very sad for you.

I've thought of an alternative to suicide. Just go somewhere else. Start over, there's a whole world, if you got some money saved, or have a credit card, just go to some other country, and either see the world before you die, or start fresh somewhere else.

I'd like to console you about how people will miss you, how your family loves you, etc, except I honestly don't know those things. Maybe they don't. I know my family, with my father, was pretty much the same way. Things with my mother didn't work out, and I was the only child that liked to be around him at all, and my mother manipulated things so that she made me go against him to get custody. So if my dad died, I'd be sad, certainly, but I honestly don't know if the rest of my family or mother would be. Hard thing is, I'm like 90% like my father. I know chances are, if I go into a relationship or get married, I'm cursed the same way as him. Then I'll be 50 writing stuff like this on some AS message board somewhere.

You know, don't die now, though. If it gets to the point of dying, buy a plane ticket somewhere instead. These other people not caring about you aren't worth dying over.