Laugh the World Away

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And Once

There was a girl

Who laughed away the world

One tear apon her cheek

She faced the deamons underneith

And smiled with distain

About the life she made

Oh,

To Laugh The World Away...





my first therapy appointment was at four years old. since then i have been in and out of mental wards, therapists, psychologists, even specialized nurses. they put me on every pill under the sun. they diagnosed me with everything they could think of, even schitzophrenia at one point. over and over we heard the same thing: we dont know exactly what is wrong with her, but SOMETHING certainly is.
i struggle with social interactions, even though i crave them (sometimes so desperately i envolve myself with people who abuse me and use me even though i know what they are doing i just want to be around SOMEONE.) i was literally tortured in school, especially high school. when my mother would attempt to make the school step in the vice principle told her that it was my fault and if i would "just dress and act the way [ I ] was supposed to, [ I ] wouldnt be picked on/beaten up".

"Freak" is a term i practicly answer to as a name.

I have been fired from jobs, kicked out of group after group in spite of my best efforts to conform, and generally kicked aside my entire life.

what is WRONG with me?? i wonder over and over. i feel like a failure, like i am broken. like i am an incorrect version of what "human" is supposed to be. i used to cut and hurt myself just so i could feel SOMETHING during these times of hardship. just to get myself to stop rocking and staring at a blank wall for hours. i have attempted suicide too many times to count, the first being at 8 years old.


i have been in therapy and the occational group therapy (CBT) that i have a hard time coping with because the group members change so frequently. over the years autism has been suggested, but due to my IQ tests and my ability to have eye contact when nessicary (i learned at a young age to "dart" my eyes around a persons' face to avoid the "why arent u looking at me?! no, no ur not!" comments and teasing) that it couldnt possibly be. it wasnt until recently that i was refered to get tested for it, and i bailed on my test because i was scared of the results.

eventually after many failed attempts at working (and keeping) a job, i got onto SSI for PTSD , major clinical depression , anxiety and borederline agoraphobia. i got an apartment for the first time and kept it.. for almost 5 years. i kept to myself for the most part and most of my neighbors were either indifferent to me or (so i thought) liked me. i even had 2 cats that helped my mental stability a lot.


i started college, and got on the vice presidents role twice in a row. then promtly failed out of 4 classes (due to anxiety over changes in my schedual and a hearing loss diagnosis which changed how i attended classes) and was kicked out of school.


then, a new guy moved in. one day he hit on me, and when i was not receptive he began to be aggressive. eventually his actions towards me became harrassing at best, stalking at worst.
he would stand in front of my apartment listening to my conversations. he would stand in front of my parking space and monitor every time i left or came home. he would knock on my door shouting things and demanding things.
one day he came to the front of my apartment and started complaining about my cats, and i told him to leave. he refused saying he could "stand wherever he wanted". i asked him to (and eventualy started demanding) leave 12 times. i even threatened to call the cops. i felt my heart racing and my fists balling and before i knew it i was screaming at him.. screaming with all my might and throwing things. i ran back into my apartment and punched giant holes in my walls. i threw the contents of my room around in a fit and eventually rocked myself in a cubby hole until i had calmed down...but the damage was done.
i had a complete meltdown. in the middle of the complex. with every single person within a block radius staring at me.

he complained to our landlord that i was "intimidating" and he wanted me evicted. since she legally could not evict me, she served me with a 20 dday notice and stated that if i "went quietly" she would allow my roomate to stay. she claimed the reason for her kicking me out was because "nobody in the complex likes you."

i did, and now i am homeless. i occationally stay at my parents house, but they are pushing for me to join a shelter or go back to the psych ward.
because of extenuatiing circumstances i also lost almost every friend i had built while i lived there.

and now, social security is "reviewing" my case; im terrified they are going to take my only source of stability and healthcare.

i lost everything, AGAIN. literally. i even lost all my furniture becasue where was i going to put it? No matter how hard i try, no matter how much i give to other people, i just cant seem to get it right. i thought that if i bribed people into liking me, they would stay. but once the bribe money is gone, i am just the kid the other kids fight over to NOT have on their team; Again. i failed out of school... Again. my family is sending me away...
Again.

moving my cats to my parents house in the country killed them; they got eaten by cyotes.

i do not feel crazy. my whole life, people tell me i am. but no one ever stops to listen to WHY i have my breakdowns. my reasons, to them, are not "valid" and i should just "suck it up and get over it". my parents insist its "just part of growing up". Dont they think i would change if i could?? I try so very hard. I really really do.

my therapist has told me to seek support in aspergers' groups. the therapy geared toward aspergers she has been providing me with is certainly more helpful than anything else i've been provided with.

but i cannot handle the way my life is. i often return to my suicidal ideation.. i do not want to die though. i do not wish to cease existing. i just... really want a release from this hell.

i need help in ways i "shouldnt" for my age. i cannot keep friends, houses, jobs, or even pay my bills. (i have no sense of money value.. often its gone before i can even understand where it went.)
i am deeply depressed and feeling so alone. it has gotten to the point where i am so ... numb..i cannot even cry. my face does not even twitch when bad news comes anymore.

the worse my life gets, the worse my symptoms get. and the worse my symtoms get, the worse my life gets (due to an inability to handle anything when my symptoms are aggrivated).

i fear what i will do to myself.

i fear waking up in another room with white walls and a lock on my door.

i dont know where to turn, what to do. i know i should go get my test, but i dont really see how that would change things. even if i did, my family would not believe it. no one understands; it is, afterall, "invisable". my therapist has diagnosed me, but it is not official as it is not her area of experteese. at first it was nice to understand... i no longer ask myself "what is wrong with me?!" but now that is replaced with: "this will never go away. there is no 'fixing' me. i am broken..."

i know there is no question in my post, no inquiry. i suppose i just needed to say these things .. to SOMEONE. anyone who would listen.
hopefully someone who will understand.
i just need the pain to ebb, even if its for a moment.

so sorry you are going through such a rough time.

When I read your account, I would like to assure you that people have cast me aside again and again. When I seek advice, even so-called professional counsellors claim that I'm too complicated to be counselled. People are too quick to write me off as a lunatic when I haven't even finished telling them my POV. Cheer up, dear, we are two ships lost at sea, but as long as we're still sailing, there is still hope.

we should help one another as best we can.

Our stories share a lot of similarities, I could have written that post myself. It's a shame how little compassion or knowledge society has about these sort of issues, but be sure, you're on the right track. A diagnosis helps and so does finding other women on the spectrum.

i like that analogy. i often feel like im lost and drifting through life. i suppose it is not about the destination .. all our boats end up on the same beach in the long run dont they.
thank you, i am trying to cheer up.
i dont understand why people are so quick to judge; so quick to assume insanity instead of accepting people for their "quirks" or "flaws". Why is it that i have to spend my life dedicated to fitting in and changing who I am, but the rest of the world does not have to bend their rigid view of what is "normal"?
society should try to see the beauty in EVERYONE, not just those who conform and "fit in".



I agree. I think education and awareness would do wonder for tolerance and acceptance. i am sorry you have been through strife, i would not wish the plight on anyone. Don't get me wrong, i do not want .. how do i put it... to be changed? i like the fact i can read really fast, problem solve, and disect written composition without help or being taught. i would not trade my intelect for the world. i just wish i could use it to help make life a little less ... rocky. i suppose that is why i have started to withdraw from society.. trying for so long to no avail eventually gives way to retreat.
i have noticed how most of the articles i have researched mention the "boys condition." i bought a book, Songs of a Gorilla Nation, by a woman with autism. it is helping me a lot.






the replies to my post have helped .. i do not wish anyone to have hardship, but it is nice to know i am not alone in this. it gives me corage to actually attend the support group i am signed up for. (sometimes i have a hard time with group-setting therapy. i often just dont show up due to anxiety) but talking on here is helping , so i will at least give the support group a try. it would be nice to have people around me occationally who feel and think the same (or at least close to) way that i do




thank you, i really appreciate the support. i honestly did not expect to get much of a response, so thank you again.