Problems with parent

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I've had an argument with a parent again. It's the same constant cycle and it never ends. I'm going insane with this.

Basically, it always starts with the parent going on about what they think about something or other. Often something fairly unimportant in the grand scheme of things (not politics or anything like that). Then I'll say that I disagree sometimes or I play devil's advocate to carry the conversation along.

Then they get rather defensive and say something along the lines of 'I was only stating my opinion' and often make a comment about how I 'always push' about making my point and 'go on and on' or words to that effect. I often get fairly offended and say that personal comments need not be involved, as I am only trying to make conversation, which results in Parent making yet more personal comments and how I 'always want to win arguments' and 'don't understand that people have different points of view to me'. I am often quite upset after all this, as they often shout and try to intimidate me and today they were, I believe, quite nasty.

I tried to go into my room and end the conversation as I was getting fed up with the same old routine, but they pushed my door open as I was trying to close it, got up close and hissed about how I wasn't going to end it and made a comment about how 'I'll make him look like a bad person again, I'll go off in tears and get the last word' as if I'm being deliberately manipulative.

I honestly don't know what to do and I'm still shaking with rage, as he has often insulted and tried to intimidate me on numerous occasions but still doesn't get the impression that it's wrong. Any ideas?

Okay, that's a big issue. Some parents can accept and even welcome their child becoming an adult, and some can't. At age 17, I would encourage you to start thinking, do you have a grandparent, Aunt, Uncle, older sibling? That you could live with in the one or two years between now and when you start college.

Your parents could well be Aspie, or pretty close to it. For me, Asperger's / Autism Spectrum means that I have patchy social skills, great in some areas, deficient in others. So, you could well have better social skills than your parents in some areas, in a fair number of areas actually.

As far as shouting and trying to intimidate you and following you to your room, that's way bad. Esp the part about following you to your room. As adult, parent should know to let a person walk away from an argument, but apparently does not. And you can't force them to grow, any more than you can make a plant grow faster by pulling up from the roots.

Shortterm, accept that they have some social deficiencies (glaring!) and try not to enter into the dynamic of these arguments. Midterm, I really encourage you to think of other living arrangements which are healthier, perhaps even a schoolmate who you think has a reasonable, sane family (two-thirds chance they'll say no, but if you can figure a way to ask where them saying no won't devastate you, might well be worth asking)

Good luck in this difficult situation.

Or you might stop trying to carry on a conversation by opposition and find ways to agree, or even just nod silently. There are things that make my Dad blow up, so I don't bring them up. When he does or says something he knows will be offensive to me, I just look thoughtful for a while, and then change the topic or say, Yeah, I can see that. And then change the subject. Since there is absolutely NOTHING I can do to change his mind about anything, I see no point in arguing. I would rather get along and so I talk briefly about things I know he likes and that is all.

And yes, that's what I'm talking about, continuing to do positive stuff regardless of the situation at home. Congrats on your plans.

I took a year off between high school and college but then people were critical of me. I like the idea of a "gap year" where it is socially accepted.

Please remember, anything to do with the arts, a lot of external factors and a lot of luck factors. Now, you might sail through and get the readership (and the money) at a young age, and more power to you. All the same, might be a good idea to have something like medicine or business as fall back or second career. And not a bad second career, right?

Interestingly, I have tried writing for many years, philosophy, comedy, screenplays. It's actually a little embarrassing. Sometimes I have chosen personal growth, really withdraw from society, and a little of that goes a long way---rather than choosing communicative writing. I wish I would have more often chosen writing which attempts to communicate (reader needs to do some of the work, too). And you might be an order of magnitude more talented than me, if so, more power to you. Keep doing the things which move you as a human being.

It sounds like he went hard core authoritarian. At least for the time being. This is just his maturity level. And nothing you can do or say can make him more mature, or it's such a long shot for any upside and too much immediate chance of downside.

Maybe, he labasts and criticizes you and then resents that the two of you don't have a 'normal' parent-child interaction. My dad largely did that, a fair amount of the time. He didn't seem to understand the difference between him being angry and him attacking.

Is there a school event say two or three weeks down the road you could invite him to? And if this doesn't feel right or feels too much like a strategy move, don't do it. But if you could get out of the house and away from the previous topics of argument, that might help.

Longterm and even mid-term, you want a better living arrangement. Here in the United States, I think, a young person at age 17 could go live with an Aunt and a Uncle, and once there hire a lawyer, and then living with the Aunt and Uncle is the status quo. And plus, every day waiting on the legal proceedings is another day you're closer to age 18. And then I really think many more reasonable judges realize that you can't make a young person as old as 17 live in a place he doesn't want to live. I'm not a lawyer and that's just the best of my understanding here in the states. But, even if it finally fails, it might provide a very healthy break. The UK, however, might be significant different. The optimistic best case scenario might be you find a good place and then be somewhat friendly terms with your parents, or not, but as you choose.

Yes, the resentment probably has been going on a long time. With my Dad, he resented the fact that my Mom was more involved with me and my younger sister than she was with him. Then, when I was a young teenager like age 14 and 15, I was kind of the "hero" of the family and brought "glory" by winning science fairs and judo tournaments, only a couple actually, but my parents seemed to milk it a long time and put a lot more emphasis on them than they should have. When I was then an older teenager my parents seem to resent the hell out of it that I was interested in other things. I wish I would have just been viewed as a person and wish I would have just matter-of-factly turned down the "hero" label, but that's actually kind of hard. And, at the time, how would I possibly have known? Obviously, I wouldn't have.

Okay, now the way to approach an Aunt or Uncle or grandparent is to understate the case. This is important. That very much is the strategic way to approach it. In serious conversations, it almost become a kind of mini debate, so by being the reasonable person on one side, you are giving them an opportunity to take the other side. So, be factually accurate, maybe saying he came to my room and said he had given me a chance and he was tired of my BS. But then say something like, I think he has been under a lot of stress or him and Mom haven't been getting along. That is, you are letting him off the hook. As far as the significance, you are understating. You are hoping that the other relative will say, wow, but actually that does sound pretty significant and a little bit argue that side and be open to believing themselves. Or, come to that conclusion by the next time you talk to them. I really think this is the percentage move. Plus, you got to figure, at least in the beginning, that everything you say to this other relative will come back to your parents. Which is another reason to underplay the hand. (it is kind of a white lie. You are hoping for a better place to live, but this really might be your best bet as far as getting it)

You are very welcome! Helping you is a little bit like going back in time and helping myself, and I'm glad I have the opportunity to be in there pitching.

Maybe take a flyer and put in a couple of applications for scholarships at boarding schools? I often struggle with filling out forms, but you may not.

It looks like at home it's going to be mainly a damage control situation. And I really encourage you, don't let a bad situation at home keep you away from the good things of the world. Please continue to branch out academically in ways that feel right for you, and also maybe try different extracurriculum groups. (I have a theory that only one out of nine groups really works out, but that just means a person can light touch a variety of groups)