Heard any good jokes lately? Anyone? Please?

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blueroses
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17 May 2011, 9:59 pm

I've been in sort of a dark place the past few days. I have an uncertain future where I work and there's a chance there could be layoffs. Not only is the idea of that difficult for someone who gets a lot of meaning in her life from what she does, but I also have no idea where I'd go or what I'd do if that happens. The stress has been getting to me and when I started going through this, it dawned on me that my support network has erroded a lot recently. Last week I lost one of only a few good friends I have (or did have, rather) and I'm not very close with my family, rarely even see them.

All that said, I could use a good laugh. Kind words or well-wishes are awesome and appreciated, too, but I'd love to hear a good joke or funny story right about now. I feel like I need to either laugh or cry and I just can't really bring myself to cry right now; I tend to have trouble doing that in general, actually. Can anyone help me loosen up a little? My anxiety level's through the roof, but it would mean a lot to check back in on this thread later and see something hilarious.



naturalplastic
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17 May 2011, 11:31 pm

A motorist driving through West Virginia notices a crudely scrawled sign on the front of a farm house saying "For sale: talking dog".

Overcome with curiosity he pulls a U-turn. Pulls into the driveway of the house and knocks on the door.

A bearded farmer in overalls answers the door. The motorists says "Im here about the... talking dog."

The farmer points to a bedroom door and out trots a goldern retreiver who wags its tale and places its paw in the visitors hand for a shake and then says "glad to meet you."

The man gasps. Then says "oh my gawd...you ARE a talking dog!"
"When did you learn to speak?"

The dog told the man his life story. How he started to speak when he was a pup.
When became full grown he decided to use his talent to serve his country. So he volunteered for the CIA. Learned to speak Pharisee and Arabic. Infiltrated caves in Pakistan and Afganistan.

"I sat in Ben Ladin's lap while he plotted attacks with his followers..who's gonna suspect a dog is taking notes on what your saying? I would report the info to the CIA..prevented several terrorist attacks. But then things got too hot. Too dangerous. So then they retired me to this quiet place in West Virginia."

The visitor gasps "thats FASCINATING!"
The man then bolted out to the living room and asked the farmer "how much do want for him?"
The farmer replied "ten bucks".
The astonished visitor asks "why so little"?
The farmer replies "cause he's a gal dang liar!
He aint never done none of that stuff!"



Logan5
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17 May 2011, 11:33 pm

Blueroses, I'm sorry to hear that things are so stressful. I can't think of any good jokes at the moment, but these two programs always give me a laugh:

NPR: "Wait wait... don't tell me!"
http://www.npr.org/programs/wait-wait-dont-tell-me/

BBC: "The News Quiz"
http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b006r9yq
http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/fricomedy

Andy Borowitz is also usually good for a laugh
http://www.borowitzreport.com/
http://twitter.com/#!/BorowitzReport


Well, humour is subjective, but I hope at least one of those things brings a smile to your face. :D

Take care.

((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))

Edit: Tundra (comic strips) :lol:
http://www.tundracomics.com/



Last edited by Logan5 on 18 May 2011, 10:22 am, edited 1 time in total.

emjay89
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18 May 2011, 12:08 am

Anything from whose line is it anyway



IdahoRose
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18 May 2011, 1:40 am

I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through a hard time. :( *hugs* These videos always make me smile. I hope they put a smile on your face too!

Pee Wee Herman on WWE! Something so absurd you'd think it would only show up on Robot Chicken. But nope, it actually happened! :D
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pRsjNTAu0Kg[/youtube]

The only part of a Seltzer and Friedburg movie worth laughing at... the Willy Wonka parody song!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tIM_o61QHy8[/youtube]

Nicholson!Joker flamboyantly vandalizing a museum to the tune of Prince!
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9tgxIWgJ_DE[/youtube]

Pirates of the Caribbean parody. Jack Sparrow searches for a thing of beauteous wonder...
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zpnO0tUwqYA[/youtube]

The Mad Hatter Rap. Quite possibly my most favorite youtube video of all time because of how much I love Alice in Wonderland.
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QR2nBDmzenk[/youtube]



Radiofixr
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18 May 2011, 9:49 am

My dog has no nose! How does he smell? Awful!


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blueroses
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18 May 2011, 11:10 am

You guys are awesome! Thanks so much for taking the time to share this stuff.



tangomike
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18 May 2011, 1:09 pm

heres a funny pick up line

So, you want to go to the back room.....?

OH, I have a boyfriend.

Hey, I like Goldfish!

What are you talking about?

OH, I thought we were talking about stuff that DOESNT matter!



ShutUpMeg
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19 May 2011, 10:22 pm

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2GQSwMCHJNU[/youtube]
[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Spmqbs8YCW8[/youtube]

actually, just watch any of these movies (not the new ones :?) and you'll feel better.



chrissyrun
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19 May 2011, 11:21 pm

Youtube: Computernerd01: Tik Tok

Look it up. It is awesome.



chrissyrun
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19 May 2011, 11:27 pm

Stupid people jokes:

cool website wrote:
Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid." That way you wouldn't have to rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me ... oops ... never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?" "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol' stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" "Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good ... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ... okay ... no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign ... until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge ... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?


If you want to know the name of the website, just say so! :D



chrissyrun
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19 May 2011, 11:52 pm

1 more!

High Tech

Three men, a German, a Japanese and a Texan were sitting naked in a sauna.

Suddenly there was a beeping sound. The German pressed his forearm and the beep stopped.

The others looked at him questioningly. "That was my pager, "he said, "I have a microchip under the skin of my arm."

A few minutes later a phone rang.

The Japanese fellow lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained, "That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand."

The Texan felt decidedly low tech, but not to be outdone he decided he had to do something just as impressive. He stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom. He returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from his behind. The others raised their eyebrows and stared at him. The Texan finally said ...

"Well, will you look at that. I'm getting a fax."



GoatOnFire
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20 May 2011, 1:47 am

^You don't want to know how us Texans refill the ink when our ink cartridges run out of ink.

Ah ha! This is the kind of thread I can answer in the Haven.

A man is driving his truck down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices sign out of the corner of his eye.
It reads: Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, 10 Miles.

He thinks that he must have misread the sign and that it's a figment of his imagination, so he drives on without a second thought.
Soon, however, he sees another sign, which says:
Sisters of St. Francis House of Prostitution, Next Right.

Curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading: The Sisters of St. Francis, Welcome you.

He climbs the brick steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,
"What may we do for you, my son?".

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup, instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway".

He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He then trots eagerly down the hall and slips past the thick wooden door, pulling it shut behind him.

As he hears the door lock behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: Go in Peace. You Have Just Been Screwed By The Sisters of St. Francis. Serves You Right, You Sinner!


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Molecular_Biologist
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21 May 2011, 1:33 am

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2K8_jgiNqUc[/youtube]



DigitalDesperado
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27 May 2011, 10:06 pm

You gave me some good advice concerning my begonia awhile back. I'd like to return the favor, but everything I know about plants I learned from this video.

I'm pretty sure that you're very nice to your plants so you have no reason to be afraid of them.... except for the ferns. I'm with Christopher on this one - never trust a fern

[youtube]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73a0h6h1IKQ&feature=channel_video_title[/youtube]



blueroses
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30 May 2011, 9:13 am

Lol, that's awesome and it made my day! See, now if I had to make eye contact with my plants, that would make me more uncomfortable ...